As an astrologer, I get a lot of calls this time of year from clients asking whether it’s appropriate to have sex while Mercury is retrograde. For these three weeks, they worry their guy won’t be able to get his mojo working, or if he does, the condom will catch on fire, or even if it doesn’t, she won’t get no satisfaction… People wonder, maybe it’s not worth trying at all?
Nonsense. Don’t let that schizophrenic little planet dictate your sex life. Learn to work with it. During retrograde periods, simply honor Mercury by invoking the classic themes associated with the trickster planet. Follow these practical guidelines and you’re guaranteed to get off to a good start:
Have phone sex. Gemini loves to talk, and Virgo hates a mess anyway. Call up a friend and tell them how you like it.
Start a sex diary. Even if you’re not getting it regularly now, you’ll probably enjoy reliving a few memories from your college days.
Read erotica, alone or to each other – Anais Nin, The Joy of Sex, Henry Miller, the Kama Sutra. Not at your book club, or you’ll be getting home late.
Sext someone. Show your love with proper spelling and grammar. Nothing betrays lack of class like a note at the end saying, Did u cum 2?
Use your hands. Mercury is notoriously ambidextrous, so if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Even if it’s only you.
Restrict the senses. Wear a blindfold and earplugs to rediscover the other senses – smell, taste, touch and shameless gratification.
Dive headfirst into a wet dream. Love is an illusion anyway, so go deep, go surreal or go home alone.
Take a Sex Ed course, demand extra homework and ask for private tutoring. You just might become the next teacher’s pet.
Do it with mirrors. Mercury is all about duplication and self-reflection. Even if you don’t live in California, you two can make a foursome.
Do it in cars, boats, trains, planes, bunk beds, elevators, libraries, bookstores or stationery supply rooms. Be careful on the photocopier.
Record yourself in bed. If you don’t look that great on video, try a podcast. On audio everyone will think you’re just a cat in heat anyway.
Let other people watch. Except your kids, unless you can afford several years of therapy for their wounded psyches.
You don’t have to wait for the weekend. Wednesday is hump day.
Renew your marriage vows in Vegas, just for the second honeymoon sex.
If you live in the Appalachians, share your love with a sibling, cousin or uncle.
Do it with twins. Geminis come in pairs, so why shouldn’t you?
Dance the night away. It might take two to tango, but if you still wanna, you can always lambada — down and dirty on the dancefloor.
Mercury loves games of logic and skill, so try your hand at strip poker — Texas Shuck ‘em, deuces wild.
Confess your cardinal sins to someone who has none.
If you want to get ahead, give a little.
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Alan Annand is an astrologer as well as a writer of humor and crime fiction. His Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten tickled the funny bone of astrological aficionados everywhere. His New Age Noir series (Scorpio Rising, Felonious Monk, Soma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”
Websites: www.navamsa.com, www.sextile.com
“The world is changing very fast. Big will not beat small anymore. It will be the fast beating the slow.”
~ Rupert Murdoch, b. 11 March 1931
pinterest.com/pin/39406565463809864/
The State Department is in good hands… very capable hands, with an excellent grasp of foreign women… I mean, relations. Because a very smart guy and successful businessman worth billions like me doesn’t need any advice. I advise myself, and by myself I mean one of my personalities that lies awake at 3 A.M. worrying about attacks on America. But a hands-on guy can accomplish many wonderful things, things you haven’t even imagined yet, and I’ll get to that real soon. When you’re famous you can grab anything, and when you’re delusional you can even believe you’ve got a grip on things. And if I’m not sure what to do, I’ll just pick up the phone and talk to Vlad. Because there’s a guy who really understands diplomacy.
Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer. You can find his mystery novels and books on astrology at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo and Smashwords.
“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” ~ Woody Allen
“The world is changing very fast. Big will not beat small anymore. It will be the fast beating the slow.”
~ Rupert Murdoch, b. 11 March 1931
pinterest.com/pin/39406565463809864/
Sextile 