In anticipation of the Trump Era, which will go down in history as “The Beginning of the End of the American Empire”, we need to get acquainted with the ground rules. For the uneducated, whose lips get tired after reading more than 100 words, or evangelicals who can relate only to Biblical pronouncements, please memorize this:
The 10 Commandments:
- America will be great and mostly unpredictable.
- People will address the President on their knees.
- Everyone will have a gun and a Bible.
- Muslims will not be welcome in America.
- Women will stand silently behind their men.
- The best people will be uneducated.
- Mexico will pay for that @#$%^& wall.
- Women will be fined for having abortions.
- We will beat China every time, all the time.
- Arabs will pay for what they did on 7/11.
For those citizens who aren’t already making plans to flee to Canada, please take a few minutes to read the fine print so that you’ll understand exactly what you’re getting yourselves into.
60 shades of greatness:
- Global warming will be told to chill.
- America will install CCTV in all mosques.
- The White House will be renamed Trump House.
- Dating your daughter will no longer be a misdemeanor.
- The KKK will get tax-exempt religious institution status.
- The Middle East will play nice or it will glow in the dark.
- Bigamy will be legal in Manhattan, Atlantic City and Miami.
- The Lincoln Monument will be replaced by the Trump Phallus.
- All women under 40 will be eligible for free breast enhancement.
- America’s Got Talent will be replaced with America’s Got Stupid.
- The FBI will create a database to register every Muslim in America.
- Federal vehicle license plates will be identified via the prefix “KKK”.
- Burritos, enchiladas and tacos will be subject to strict FDA approval.
- America will only admit beautiful young immigrant women with D-cups.
- Trump Hotels will provide all accommodation for the government service.
- Women who can’t satisfy their husbands will be classified as un-American.
- Banks will rewrite their bankruptcy laws to favor wildcat entrepreneurs.
- Men will make all the decisions; women will make all the meals and beds.
- Environmentally-friendly light bulbs will be banned because they cause cancer.
- America’s military will be so huge that everyone in the world will be afraid of us.
- Handicapped people will not appear in public unless they want to be ridiculed.
- Medical LSD will be made widely available, because it’s going to be a long strange trip.
- Flat-chested women will not be eligible for any standing position in the Administration.
- The only people employed at the US Treasury will be little short guys that wear yarmulkes.
- Birth certificates will be redesigned, rendering them less liable to counterfeit than a $100 bill.
- Saudi Arabia will pay America handsomely to protect their oil kingdom from the bad Muslims.
- America will get rid of Obamacare and replace it with something terrific called Trumpesterone.
- America will eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency in the interests of expediting business.
- Mexico will send only its best – actresses, musicians, chefs – to perform at Trump Hotels & Casinos.
- The words “In God We Trust” will be replaced on all American currency with “Trump Knows Better.”
- Women will not be allowed to breast-feed except behind locked doors in the privacy of their own homes.
- June 14th will be declared a national holiday and marked in civil calendars as The Birth of The Donald.
- Terrorists and their families, along with their friends and neighbors, will be hunted down and executed.
- Celebrities’ divorces and remarriages will be subject to the approval of the Department of Cultural Affairs.
- The President will be free to use New York’s Fifth Avenue as his private gun range; jaywalkers could be shot.
- The Trump Twitter feed will be recited each day in classrooms, public assemblies and places of worship.
- America will shut down that part of the internet that Muslim terrorists are using to recruit American children.
- Editors, journalists, news anchors and political pundits will be gorgeous, ingratiating and submissive, or fired.
- America will eliminate the Department of Education because the uneducated are the most loyal Americans.
- A bust of Donald J. Trump will be added to Mount Rushmore, and a Trump Hotel built on the existing parking lot.
- American military personnel will kill the enemy or die for their country; people who get captured can’t be war heroes.
- America will create a new Department of Interrogation in order to maintain our international lead in the quest for truth.
- By default, this President will have the highest IQ in America, so don’t feel stupid or insecure, it’s just natural selection.
- Any US citizen who contracts Ebola, the Zika virus or other contagious disease will have to find another country to live in.
- Veterans who haven’t been captured will get free golf lessons and a one-year membership at Trump Golf Clubs International.
- Anyone arrested throwing punches on behalf of the President will have the Department of Justice made available for their defense.
- The long-running reality show The American Nightmare will be canceled and replaced with The American Dream starring Donald Trump.
- Everyone will be subject to mandatory two-year military service unless they’re wealthy, well-connected or have a little bone spur.
- Universities offering degrees in Cheerleading will get extra funding because America needs more big and bouncy, busty blonde cheerleaders.
- Criticizing the President will be considered treasonous, and offenders will be beaten up and thrown out of the country without their clothes on.
- America will bomb the shit out of the Middle East and blow up everything except their oil fields, in exchange for ridding the world of terrorism.
- The Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) trade agreement will be replaced with the Trump Power Package that includes only deals that benefit America.
- Arianna Huffington, Bette Midler, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell and Sarah Jessica Parker will all undergo cosmetic surgery or face deportation.
- Only good people will be encouraged to enter government service, after first obtaining degrees in Political Science or Foreign Policy at Trump University.
- Universities offering degrees in Journalism will be defunded because their programs don’t work and their graduates don’t have a clue what they’re doing.
- IQ tests will no longer be subject to objective testing, but based on personal wealth, Twitter followers and the number of women who’ve flirted with them.
- Universities offering degrees in International Warfare will get extra funding and bonuses when they produce kick-ass graduates like General George Patton.
- Waterboarding will be declared an Olympic sport, and America will be winning gold medals in this category for decades to come, because we’re so good at it.
- Male members of the Trump Cabinet will have a young and beautiful piece of ass at their sides, but if they don’t, one will be leased for eligible functions.
- There will be no gun-free zones in America, so if you want to live without the protection of patriots, move to Canada or, if you can get over the wall, Mexico.
Did you get all that? If any of this went over your head, perhaps you have an educated friend who could read it over with you and explain what it means.
In November, please remember to vote as if the world is watching, because it is.