Tag Archives: mercury retrograde

Mercury Retrograde Sex

21 Apr

20 ways to show the love during Mercury Rx… 

As an astrologer, I get a lot of calls this time of year from clients asking whether it’s appropriate to have sex while Mercury is retrograde. For these three weeks, they worry their guy won’t be able to get his mojo working, or if he does, the condom will catch on fire, or even if it doesn’t, she won’t get no satisfaction… People wonder, maybe it’s not worth trying at all?

Nonsense. Don’t let that schizophrenic little planet dictate your sex life. Learn to work with it. During retrograde periods, simply honor Mercury by invoking the classic themes associated with the trickster planet. Follow these practical guidelines and you’re guaranteed to get off to a good start:

MERx

Have phone sex. Gemini loves to talk, and Virgo hates a mess anyway. Call up a friend and tell them how you like it.

phones sex

Start a sex diary. Even if you’re not getting it regularly now, you’ll probably enjoy reliving a few memories from your college days.

diary

Read erotica, alone or to each other – Anais Nin, The Joy of Sex, Henry Miller, the Kama Sutra. Not at your book club, or you’ll be getting home late.

erotica

Sext someone. Show your love with proper spelling and grammar. Nothing betrays lack of class like a note at the end saying, Did u cum 2?

sexting_crop

Use your hands. Mercury is notoriously ambidextrous, so if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Even if it’s only you.

hands3

Restrict the senses. Wear a blindfold and earplugs to rediscover the other senses – smell, taste, touch and shameless gratification.

blindfold

Dive headfirst into a wet dream. Love is an illusion anyway, so go deep, go surreal or go home alone.

wet dream

Take a Sex Ed course, demand extra homework and ask for private tutoring. You just might become the next teacher’s pet.

sex ed

Do it with mirrors. Mercury is all about duplication and self-reflection. Even if you don’t live in California, you two can make a foursome.

mirror

Do it in cars, boats, trains, planes, bunk beds, elevators, libraries, bookstores or stationery supply rooms. Be careful on the photocopier.

car sex

Record yourself in bed. If you don’t look that great on video, try a podcast. On audio everyone will think you’re just a cat in heat anyway.

video

Let other people watch. Except your kids, unless you can afford several years of therapy for their wounded psyches.

voyeur

You don’t have to wait for the weekend. Wednesday is hump day.

hump day

Renew your marriage vows in Vegas, just for the second honeymoon sex.

vegas2

If you live in the Appalachians, share your love with a sibling, cousin or uncle.

appalachia

Do it with twins. Geminis come in pairs, so why shouldn’t you?

twins

Dance the night away. It might take two to tango, but if you still wanna, you can always lambada — down and dirty on the dancefloor.

lambada

Mercury loves games of logic and skill, so try your hand at strip poker — Texas Shuck ‘em, deuces wild.

poker

Confess your cardinal sins to someone who has none.

nun 2

 If you want to get ahead, give a little.

oral

~~~~~~~~~

MERx yield

???????????????????????????????Alan Annand is an astrologer as well as a writer of humor and crime fiction. His Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten tickled the funny bone of astrological aficionados everywhere. His New Age Noir series (Scorpio RisingFelonious MonkSoma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”

Websites: www.navamsa.com, www.sextile.com

 

Mercury retrograde: useless for three weeks..?

10 Apr

Alan Annand is a Canadian astrologer, accredited by the American College of Vedic Astrology and the British Faculty of Astrological Studies. He consults, teaches and writes on a wide range of astrological topics.

His NEW AGE NOIR crime series (Scorpio Rising, Felonious Monk, Soma County) features astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer has dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”

His books on Vedic astrology include Stellar Astrology, Vols 1 & 2, a series of articles on celebrities and world events that are as entertaining as they are educational, offering many techniques for interpretation and prediction. Parivartana Yoga is a reference text for one of the most common yet powerful planetary combinations in jyotish.

Mutual Reception is an expanded companion volume for western practitioners, covering the subject of planetary exchange through the lens of traditional astrology.

BOOKS by astrologer & writer ALAN ANNAND:

http://www.amazon.com/Alan-Annand/e/B0052MM0PO

https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/alan-annand/id442957999

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/c/alan-annand

http://store.kobobooks.com/en-CA/Search?Query=Alan%20Annand

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/AlanAnnand

Mercury Retrograde Winter Retreat

5 Jan

wolfgirlEvery blue moon or so, Mercury retrograde looms as a triple seasonal menace – this year, a holiday hangover of unpaid credit card bills, a political circus, and more terrorists in the news than you can shake a Bible at. Times like this, you need to get away, as deep into the soft underbelly of your wounded psyche as a hibernating bear in a boreal snow bank.

cp train in snowBut forget about going south, because fun in the sun will only distract you from the mindfulness necessary to understand your sorry existence. To contemplate your navel fuzz in total isolation, please consider our Mercury Retrograde Winter Retreat, nestled deep in the Canadian hinterland, accessible only by a torturous train ride from Toronto.

hotel-kakslauttanen-igloo-village-leadOur igloo village hermitage is an oasis of self-imposed exile, buffered from the world by a 10-foot wall of pristine sub-Arctic snow pack. Here you can ride out the astrological affective disorder known as Mercury Retrograde Syndrome, a psychological malaise that recurs three times a year, bringing much of western society’s rational thinking to a grinding halt.

Kakslauttanen-Hotel-Igloo-Village-in-Saariselka-Finland_CROPEach guest igloo is constructed in the form of a geodesic dome with tempered thermo-pane glass. Our trademarked design provides superlative shielding from high-intensity northern lights, harmful radiation of Mercury Retrograde, and frequent assaults by marauding polar bears foraging for tourists.

KakslauttanenHotelandIglooVillage633819529408960860_Big1Not only the upper atmosphere gets excited by solar flares at high latitudes. Thanks to the ambient room temperature of 40F (4C) maintained in all guest igloos, you and your retreat companion will have little choice but to share your body heat. Many couples report having more sex during Mercury Retrograde winter retreats than they actually even wanted. You’re welcome!

igloohotel_CROPFor those who come to the hermitage alone, room service will provide hot water bottles filled with your choice of mulled wines, grog, hot toddies or high-proof cider. For a small extra fee, our qualified staff can set you up with an IV drip or a therapeutic enema.

ice-swimmingOur lakeside spa offers crystal-clear water chilled to within a few degrees of hypothermia. After emerging from near-death immersion, you’ll be gratefully reborn as attendants whip circulation back into your body, using birch branches blessed by a local shaman. Brandy, cognac, schnapps and other anti-coagulants are available from the patio bar.

eskimo_pieSince Mercury Retrograde already provides adequate food for thought, we’re not into the whole culinary thing. But our cafeteria is open 24/7, with a limited range of tasty fast food. Try our Polar Pizza (wolverine salami with seal cheese), Boreal Burgers (minced caribou with a heart-smart spread of lichens) and our perennial dessert favorite – Eskimo Pie.

hairy_leg_stockingsAlthough the Mercury Retrograde Hermitage is designed to insulate guests from both the world and their fellow refugees, we offer evening leg wrestling and snuggle sessions in our communal lounge. Every sign in the zodiac (even Virgo and Scorpio) is welcome to enjoy the ambiance of our coal-fired braziers. And for those who neglected to pack adequate clothing, complimentary leg warmers, hand-woven by Inuit artisans from hypo-allergenic muskrat hides, are available in a limited range of hair densities.

youre_fucked_CROP

Our guest igloos have no phone, TV, radio, WiFi or cellular reception to distract you from your introspective sojourn. So just lie back on your mattress of organic cedar boughs and enjoy an unobstructed view of the northern stars, the contemplation of which will remind you of your insignificance in the face of the cosmos.

Mercury Retrograde – when you just need an excuse to do absolutely nothing for three weeks.

 ~~~

Alan Varanasi @ 50%Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction. His New Age Noir mystery series (Scorpio Rising, Felonious Monk, Soma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler whom one reviewer has dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”

Read reviews here and buy these and his other books at: Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, KoboSmashwords

 

Mercury retrograde… we’re recording you

19 Dec

merx-recording-you-cropMercury retrograde… we’re recording you.

Eastwood retrograde!

4 May

Eastwood Rx - cropGo ahead, make my day. I’ll show you what a sudden impact with Mercury retrograde feels like.

The world’s most interesting astrologer: Mercury retrograde

28 Apr

retrograde

Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”

Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Flipkart, KoboSmashwords

Alan Varanasi @ 50%

Mercury retrograde kitten

10 Jan

retro kitty 2 - crop

Mercury retrograde kitten

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