Tag Archives: twins

Mercury Retrograde Sex

21 Apr

20 ways to show the love during Mercury Rx… 

As an astrologer, I get a lot of calls this time of year from clients asking whether it’s appropriate to have sex while Mercury is retrograde. For these three weeks, they worry their guy won’t be able to get his mojo working, or if he does, the condom will catch on fire, or even if it doesn’t, she won’t get no satisfaction… People wonder, maybe it’s not worth trying at all?

Nonsense. Don’t let that schizophrenic little planet dictate your sex life. Learn to work with it. During retrograde periods, simply honor Mercury by invoking the classic themes associated with the trickster planet. Follow these practical guidelines and you’re guaranteed to get off to a good start:

MERx

Have phone sex. Gemini loves to talk, and Virgo hates a mess anyway. Call up a friend and tell them how you like it.

phones sex

Start a sex diary. Even if you’re not getting it regularly now, you’ll probably enjoy reliving a few memories from your college days.

diary

Read erotica, alone or to each other – Anais Nin, The Joy of Sex, Henry Miller, the Kama Sutra. Not at your book club, or you’ll be getting home late.

erotica

Sext someone. Show your love with proper spelling and grammar. Nothing betrays lack of class like a note at the end saying, Did u cum 2?

sexting_crop

Use your hands. Mercury is notoriously ambidextrous, so if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Even if it’s only you.

hands3

Restrict the senses. Wear a blindfold and earplugs to rediscover the other senses – smell, taste, touch and shameless gratification.

blindfold

Dive headfirst into a wet dream. Love is an illusion anyway, so go deep, go surreal or go home alone.

wet dream

Take a Sex Ed course, demand extra homework and ask for private tutoring. You just might become the next teacher’s pet.

sex ed

Do it with mirrors. Mercury is all about duplication and self-reflection. Even if you don’t live in California, you two can make a foursome.

mirror

Do it in cars, boats, trains, planes, bunk beds, elevators, libraries, bookstores or stationery supply rooms. Be careful on the photocopier.

car sex

Record yourself in bed. If you don’t look that great on video, try a podcast. On audio everyone will think you’re just a cat in heat anyway.

video

Let other people watch. Except your kids, unless you can afford several years of therapy for their wounded psyches.

voyeur

You don’t have to wait for the weekend. Wednesday is hump day.

hump day

Renew your marriage vows in Vegas, just for the second honeymoon sex.

vegas2

If you live in the Appalachians, share your love with a sibling, cousin or uncle.

appalachia

Do it with twins. Geminis come in pairs, so why shouldn’t you?

twins

Dance the night away. It might take two to tango, but if you still wanna, you can always lambada — down and dirty on the dancefloor.

lambada

Mercury loves games of logic and skill, so try your hand at strip poker — Texas Shuck ‘em, deuces wild.

poker

Confess your cardinal sins to someone who has none.

nun 2

 If you want to get ahead, give a little.

oral

~~~~~~~~~

MERx yield

???????????????????????????????Alan Annand is an astrologer as well as a writer of humor and crime fiction. His Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten tickled the funny bone of astrological aficionados everywhere. His New Age Noir series (Scorpio RisingFelonious MonkSoma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”

Websites: www.navamsa.com, www.sextile.com

 

Pisces at night…

4 Apr

pisces_by_yuhon-d2vql3pPisces at night…

My best friend Shawna was having a mid-life crisis. I suspected it was just another mid-week crisis in the 39th winter of her discontent. But she needed to talk and she was buying the drinks, and when those planets align, I show up.

We met at Thursday’s, a club for the perpetually single. When I arrived, she’d already ordered their happy hour special, a giant margarita in a fishbowl you could drown a sad monkey in.

“What’s up?” I slid into the booth, signalling a waiter that I also wanted a gallon of green oblivion.

“Donald Trump will destroy civilization.” She plunged her straw into her margarita and made a giant sucking sound, like a toilet bowl swallowing an engagement ring.

“That again?” Never mind that Canadians were immune to his braggadocio, when America barfed out the window, there was always collateral splatter.

“I need a vacation,” Shawna said. “No TV, no WiFi, no cellular, no radio even, if such a place exists.”

“How about a yoga retreat?” I pulled from my winter coat a flyer that had been pressed into my hand this morning by a tanned young lady as I entered the subway. She’d been wearing a Lululemon ensemble in pastel orange that stood out among commuters dressed in black parkas and crotch-high snow boots.

Shawna read the folder’s highlights. “Seven days of nutritious vegan cuisine. Miles of crystal beach. Yoga classes morning, noon and night. Cabins at the water’s edge. Silence you can cut with a knife. Individualized detox programs.”

“Work’s slow this month,” I said. “I could take next week off.”

“God knows I need to decompress,” Shawna said. “I’d also like to get in shape, lose some weight, flush out my liver and find peace of mind.”

“That’s asking a lot for a one-week vacation.”

margarita-day“All or nothing.” She inserted her straw and drained her margarita.

The waiter arrived with my margarita and a large nacho platter on which a small animal had been shredded on a bed of cheese and drowned in sour cream and salsa. A sacrifice to the gods of wealth and matrimony who’d neglected us.

“This is like, ten thousand calories,” I said.

“I’m not eating it all by myself,” Shawna said.

“I thought we were trying to lose weight.”

“We’re going on a vegan fast next week.” She carved a deep wound in the flank of the nacho platter and signalled for another margarita. “Carpe nacho, honey.”

~~~

Our flight left early Saturday morning and we were in Cuba by noon. The yoga retreat was far from the airport, nestled within a palm grove right on the beach. Our cabin veranda faced the ocean.

“I hear people talking German next door.” Shawna emerged naked from the bathroom after a quick shower. “Now all we need are some Italians.”

“Uh-huh.” We’d had some good times in Cuba. Although Americans were denied the pleasure due to longstanding travel sanctions, we’d partied with many Europeans. Especially that year with Gianni from Bologna, the thought of whom triggered quivers of nostalgia for Shawna.

“The salami of my life,” she sighed. This was an old joke between us, although a sad lesson in destiny and depravity for her.

“Let’s not go there. This week is meatless – just fruit and vegetables.” I checked my watch. “Anyway, it’s time to meet the other participants.”

“Do they have a nude beach here?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Maybe just as well.” She gripped her belly roll. “I have to lose this first.”

“That’s the nacho platter from the other night,” I joked. “I think it likes you.”

~~~

The retreat commandant was a muscular woman named Kristina Von-Something-Unpronounceable, like the phlegmy bark of a dog that needed a vet. She outlined the week’s program. Then we all got weighed, drank a gallon of lemon water and swore an oath to obey the retreat rules – no alcohol, meat, eggs, dairy or grains.

Then she led us through half an hour of calisthenics, some light cardio, a yoga session and a brisk walk five miles down the beach and back. It was dark by the time we returned to our cabin, dog-tired and bladders bursting. We took turns in the shower and flopped exhausted on our beds.

yoga - peacock“That was brutal,” Shawna said.

I nodded. That’s all the energy I had left.

“Did you pack anything to eat?”

“We’re fasting, remember?”

The program had demanded we arrive at the retreat on an empty stomach. We’d thought it was because they wanted to greet us with a yummy Caribbean vegan banquet. Instead, we’d been forced to drink the lemon kool-aid and taken on a death march halfway to Havana and back.

Hungry and exhausted, we set a new record for going to bed (alone) so early on a Saturday night in Cuba.

Sunday breakfast buffet was all fruit and nothing but the whole fruit, so help me god.

“I was hoping, maybe a nice bowl of cereal,” Shawna grumbled.

Hearing this, Kommandant Kristina paused in her patrol of the cafeteria’s perimeter to lecture us. “Cereal contains gluten. Milk contains fat. Here we are having only fruit.” She raised her voice so everyone within five tables could hear us getting reamed. “These Canadian girls think they are bears, stuffing themselves to bulk up for the winter.” She shook her finger at Shawna. “But you are not bears, you are pigs.”

“Hey,” Shawna said. “I don’t deserve to get fat-shamed.” She raised her T-shirt to flaunt her moderate midriff.

Kristina grabbed a fistful of Shawna’s belly roll and squeezed it hard enough to make her eyes pop. “You will thank me later.”

“Okay,” I spoke up. “Leave her alone.”

Kristina gave Shawna’s belly a slap and resumed her patrol. On the other side of the cafeteria, she caught someone with a bowl of yogurt and started screaming about excessive mucus in the gut.

“Cheeses, what a nazi,” Shawna whispered.

The rest of the week went by in a miserable blur. Although it felt like a concentration camp, we were actually looking pretty good. We’d been walking, running, swimming and doing yoga eight hours a day. We’d dropped ten pounds apiece, and were tanned, toned and absolutely glowing. We were also going out of our minds.

Friday it dawned on us – we were going home tomorrow and we’d been six nights in Cuba without a whiff of alcohol. There was something wrong with this picture.

“Let’s break out tonight,” Shawna said, “and check out the action in town.”

~~~

The town was Terra Buena, which we’d passed on our drive in, just a few miles down the road. Right after our afternoon yoga session, we went AWOL and made a run for civilization, or at least its Cuban equivalent.

It was hot and by the time we were halfway there we were parched. Houses were scattered here and there, well back from the road, but nothing that looked like a place to buy a drink. Then we came upon a road-side shanty with a sign that read, Cold beer and psychic readings.

“Cheeses, it’s a sign,” Shawna said.

sadieWe entered a one-room shack partitioned by a turquoise curtain and some fishing nets. An old woman in a green dress with a seashell pattern sat in an ancient club chair with her feet on a coffee table.

“What kind of beer do you have?” Shawna asked.

“Poseidon,” the woman said. “Ten dollars.”

“Are you crazy?”

“It comes with a psychic reading.”

Shawna took a twenty from her wallet. “This better be good.”

“You must be Shawna,” the old woman said. “And your friend Doris.”

“How do you know our names?” I said.

The woman went to a fridge in the corner and fetched two beers, opening them with a church key hanging from an overhead rafter. I glanced up and saw a parrot looking down at us. We sat in a pair of plastic chairs opposite the coffee table. The beer was so cold I was speechless for a moment before I could ask the woman her name.

“Senora Electra.”

She looked at Shawna and rattled off her life history. She knew everything – her two broken engagements, her miscarriage, her battle with the bottle, Gianni from Bologna, her stash of weed under the bathroom sink. But she told Shawna she’d soon have a spiritual epiphany, renounce her old ways and become a bride of Christ.

“A nun?!” Shawna laughed so hard that beer came out her nose.

Senora Electra turned on me. She did a quick recap of my life too – never married, a frustrated artist who sang in the shower, my numerous failed love affairs with itinerant musicians, my erotic dream diary…

“How do you know all that?”

“Is she going to become a nun too?” Shawna chuckled.

“No, but she will soon meet two men who will change her life.”

“Two?” Shawna joked. “Can’t I have one?”

“No, these are twins and they come together.”

“They come together?” Shawna winked at me. “Now that sounds kinky.”

“Enjoy your evening,” Senora Electra put her feet back up on the coffee table.

“Can you recommend a good restaurant in town?” I said as we got up to leave.

Los Dos Peces,” she said. “I recommend the barracuda.”

~~~

The restaurant was on the harborfront, at the end of a rickety pier that looked like the next hurricane might take it away. The place started to fill up right after we arrived, a mix of locals and tourists. We had margaritas and shrimp tacos to start, then the barracuda for me and octopus for Shawna.

Tango-Buenos-AiresA band set up and the dance floor was soon crowded with people doing the tango or something that looked suspiciously like sex, except they kept their clothes on. Shawna and I danced and started running a tab on a long string of tequila shots.

We were having just about the best time of our lives without men when two brunettes hit the dance floor right next to us. They were beautiful, and if I weren’t so straight, I’d have gone for either of them. In fact, there was no way to choose between identical twins. Glossy black hair from a shampoo commercial, eyes the color of blue sky, high cheekbones, leggy, curves in all the right places. To judge by their figures, they looked like college girls.

Anyway, the four of us bumped hips every now and again, and alternated dance partners. They were both pretty looped and having a blast too. We all quit the dance floor at the same time. Turned out they had the table right next to ours, vacated by another couple just before we’d hit the dance floor.

Their names were Anuka and Cylla from Hamburg. They’d just got married three days ago and were here on their honeymoon with their husbands.

“Cheeses,” Shawna said, “Aren’t you too young to get married? How old are you?”

“Twenty-three,” Anuka said. “What about you ladies? Are you here alone or with your husbands?”

“Oh, we’re not married,” Shawna said.

“Divorced?” Cylla’s eyes shifted between me and Shawna, calculating our ages and maybe coming up on the dark side of forty which, for a 23-year-old was like having one foot in the grave.

“We never found any worth keeping,” Shawna said. “We like to just hook them and reel them in, see what kind of fight they put up, and then throw them back in the water for some other sad girl to marry.”

Perhaps sensing how truly desperate and fabricated that response was, Anuka was diplomatic enough to change the subject. “Do you like fishing?”

“Only if someone else puts the bait on the hook,” I joked. “Why do you ask?”

“We rented a boat. Today we went down the coast a bit. Tomorrow we’re going fishing. Maybe you’d like to come along.”

“We couldn’t do that,” I said. “It’s your honeymoon.”

“It’s no big deal,” Cylla said. “We’ve known our husbands for a year.”

“And if you’re lucky, you’ll be married for at least couple more years,” Shawna joked before I could kick her under the table.

twins - bikinis4Anuka and Cylla had a good laugh. Either they knew it was just a joke or, somewhere in their 23-year-old heads, riding atop those spectacular bodies, they couldn’t imagine anyone would ever divorce them. Maybe they were right. Maybe we were the cynics. But I remembered when Shawna and I were 23 too, and we never felt – or looked – quite as jaded as we did tonight.

As if reading my mind, Shawna downed her tequila and signaled for our waiter to bring more. Just then two handsome young men sat next to the German twins, bearing four large tropical drinks of unknown potency.

Speaking of potent, the very sight of these guys took my breath away. They were like Nordic gods – tall, broad-shouldered, blue-eyed, with sculpted jaw lines and bodies from the centerfold of a fitness magazine.

“This is Pan, my husband,” Anuka said, “and this is Cylla’s husband, Pontus.”

“Are you kidding me?” Shawna said. “You married twins too?”

We introduced ourselves. These guys were such gentlemen, they not only shook our hands but they rose from their seats and kissed us on each cheek. I think I wet myself … just a little bit.

Our next round of tequila shots showed up right on cue. We all clicked rims and drank our poison.

Well, it was a memorable evening. Or at least what I remember of it. We hit the dance floor a few more times, all six of us, and there was quite a bit of rotation. Anuka and Cylla were pretty cool chicks, and they had no problem sharing their husbands with us on the dance floor. Maybe it’s a European thing. Maybe that and the fact we were just about old enough to be their mothers.

After closing the bar we all went down to the docks to see the boat they’d rented. It was a small cabin cruiser that slept six. It was a muggy evening and we were all kind of sweaty, so Cylla suggested we take the boat out where we could anchor offshore and skinny dip to cool off. Under the influence of more alcohol than we could recall, everyone agreed this was an excellent idea.

We cast off and motored out into the bay, the six of us as drunk as pirates and passing around a bottle of rum left over from their afternoon cruise. We dropped anchor and before you could say, Tits Ahoy, we were all in the water.

At first we leisurely circled the boat, the newlyweds occasionally closing in for a clinch and, to judge by the shrieks of excited laughter, a bit of underwater groping. Shawna and I paddled around, keeping our hands to ourselves. I’m a pretty good swimmer and swung a wider radius around the boat but Shawna, growing tired, headed back to the boat to catch her breath. As it turned out, Anuka and Cylla weren’t Olympic candidates either, and went with her.

octopussy2They were less than ten feet from the boat when Shawna let out a horrible shriek. “Octopus!” she screamed. She scrambled over the gunwale. “It grabbed my leg.” She peered at herself in the moonlight. “I’ve got a chain of hickeys around my thigh. You guys better get out of the water.”

Anuka and Cylla, spooked by her near-hysteria, joined her aboard. Maybe I was too drunk to be afraid, or just comforted by the presence of Pan and Pontus who’d followed me as I circled the boat. We continued our leisurely swim. The sea was dead calm, the full moon directly overhead. Three large seabirds, probably pelicans, passed overhead. It might have been an omen, but I was having too good a time to think about what it meant.

Pontus bumped up against me from behind. His hands briefly cupped my breasts, then descended my waist to seize my hips, pulling me tight against him. I gasped as we docked. Maybe I struggled, but not enough to break his hold. We bobbed awhile. I felt his legs treading water, and he was so powerful I let myself go. When he finally tired, Pan took over, embracing me face-to-face. We kissed and I tasted rum on his mouth and it was intoxicating. Buoyed up by his strength, I wrapped my limbs around him and went along for the ride.

“Hey,” Shawna called from the distant boat, “aren’t you guys getting tired? You should come back aboard.”

“Yes, we’re coming,” I answered, and a few moments later we did.

Back on the boat, Shawna showed us her hickeys. It looked like a vampire had tried to suck blood from her leg, leaving a trail all the way from her knee, up her inner thigh and almost to the doorstep of her lady temple, as some Asian erotologist might have put it.

“Does it hurt?”

“Not anymore,” Shawna said. “Anuka rubbed some kind of ointment on it.”

“No, that was Cylla,” Anuka said. “But I kissed it to make it better.”

“You certainly did,” Shawna blushed.

It was too late to walk home so they took us back to the resort, running the boat right up to the beach, close enough for us to disembark in waist-deep water. We hugged and kissed everyone goodbye, slipped overboard and walked back to our cabin.

“What the hell happened back there?” I asked Shawna.

“I’m not ready to talk about it,” she said.

~~~

Back in Montreal, life resumed its familiar routine. Well, mine did anyway. But Shawna gave up drinking for Lent and never resumed. She started going to church on Sundays, all the major holidays, then twice a week. A rosary appeared around her neck. She built a little shrine to Jesus in an alcove of her apartment. She cancelled her memberships to dating sites and deleted the Tindr app on her phone. Her wardrobe shed its colors like a tree in autumn, until she wore only black. On the rare occasion that we still got together, no longer for drinks but for fish-and-chips on Friday, she no longer regaled me with stories about her sex life, but quoted passages from the Bible. I could see where this was going, but that boat was going to sail without me.

twins 7To keep in shape, I joined the Y and went swimming three times a week. After years of saving, I bought a condo in a building with an indoor pool. Shortly thereafter, new tenants moved in down the hall – Russian twins, Igor and Ivan. Turns out they’d once been contenders for the 400-meter relay event. We often met up, by accident or divine plan, in the pool late at night. They had good form, and were definitely well-synchronized in the relay department. They’re so similar I can’t really tell them apart but so far, that doesn’t seem to be a problem for anyone.

~~~

Alan Annand is a writer and astrologer with the moon in Scorpio.

Find his New Age Noir series and other mystery novels at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&NobleKobo and Smashwords.

AA_Astrology

 

Mercury Retrograde Sex

20 May

20 ways to show the love during Mercury Rx… 

As an astrologer, I get a lot of calls this time of year from clients asking whether it’s appropriate to have sex while Mercury is retrograde. For these three weeks, they worry their guy won’t be able to get his mojo working, or if he does, the condom will catch on fire, or even if it doesn’t, she won’t get no satisfaction… People wonder, maybe it’s not worth trying at all?

Nonsense. Don’t let that schizophrenic little planet dictate your sex life. Learn to work with it. During retrograde periods, simply honor Mercury by invoking the classic themes associated with the trickster planet. Follow these practical guidelines and you’re guaranteed to get off to a good start:

MERx

Have phone sex. Gemini loves to talk, and Virgo hates a mess anyway. Call up a friend and tell them how you like it.

phones sex

Start a sex diary. Even if you’re not getting it regularly now, you’ll probably enjoy reliving a few memories from your college days.

diary

Read erotica, alone or to each other – Anais Nin, The Joy of Sex, Henry Miller, the Kama Sutra. Not at your book club, or you’ll be getting home late.

erotica

Sext someone. Show your love with proper spelling and grammar. Nothing betrays lack of class like a note at the end saying, Did u cum 2?

sexting_crop

Use your hands. Mercury is notoriously ambidextrous, so if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Even if it’s only you.

hands3

Restrict the senses. Wear a blindfold and earplugs to rediscover the other senses – smell, taste, touch and shameless gratification.

blindfold

Dive headfirst into a wet dream. Love is an illusion anyway, so go deep, go surreal or go home alone.

wet dream

Take a Sex Ed course, demand extra homework and ask for private tutoring. You just might become the next teacher’s pet.

sex ed

Do it with mirrors. Mercury is all about duplication and self-reflection. Even if you don’t live in California, you two can make a foursome.

mirror

Do it in cars, boats, trains, planes, bunk beds, elevators, libraries, bookstores or stationery supply rooms. Be careful on the photocopier.

car sex

Record yourself in bed. If you don’t look that great on video, try a podcast. On audio everyone will think you’re just a cat in heat anyway.

video

Let other people watch. Except your kids, unless you can afford several years of therapy for their wounded psyches.

voyeur

You don’t have to wait for the weekend. Wednesday is hump day.

hump day

Renew your marriage vows in Vegas, just for the second honeymoon sex.

vegas2

If you live in the Appalachians, share your love with a sibling, cousin or uncle.

appalachia

Do it with twins. Geminis come in pairs, so why shouldn’t you?

twins

Dance the night away. It might take two to tango, but if you still wanna, you can always lambada — down and dirty on the dancefloor.

lambada

Mercury loves games of logic and skill, so try your hand at strip poker — Texas Shuck ‘em, deuces wild.

poker

Confess your cardinal sins to someone who has none.

nun 2

 Use your head. Be a cunning linguist.

oral

~~~~~~~~~

MERx yield

???????????????????????????????Alan Annand is an astrologer as well as a writer of humor and crime fiction. His Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten tickled the funny bone of astrological aficionados everywhere. His New Age Noir series (Scorpio RisingFelonious MonkSoma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”

Websites: www.navamsa.com, www.sextile.com

 

Hide in Plain Sight: book review by Val Tobin @ Suite101

9 Oct

Take one rich twin and one poor twin, throw in a bipolar wife, shake violently, and you have the makings of another delicious crime novel by Alan Annand.

Alex Carson’s life has turned into a country song. He owes the government thousands of dollars in taxes, courtesy of his fraudulent accountant; his wife, Connie, is bipolar and his dog is dying. What he doesn’t realize is, things are going to get much worse. During a visit to Alex’s wealthy brother Dave, which Connie turns into a quest to get financial assistance, Connie causes Dave’s death after a heated argument.

Alex decides that the only way out of this mess is to take Dave’s place and allow Connie to go establish an alibi, thereby avoiding the ordeal of having to ‘fess up to the police about what had transpired. The execution of Alex’s creative solution makes for a crazy wild ride as we tag along in Alex’s first person narrative.

Inside the Mind of Alex Carson

According to Annand, who agreed to talk with Suite101 about his book, his use of the first person was designed to, among other things, “oblige the reader to suffer in sympathy with Alex, no matter what morally questionable actions he had to follow through on.” And suffer the reader does. Exquisitely.

During this charade, Alex must share a bed with his beautiful sister-in-law, a woman stolen from Alex by Dave years before. He must also maneuver his way around Dave’s various existing relationships, including one with the housekeeper, with whom Dave may or may not have been having an affair.

Following Alex on his adventures in Dave Land makes compelling enough reading, but the questions that arise about what was going on in Dave’s life at the time of his death compound the intrigue and the tension. When you also factor in the logistical issues with which Alex must contend, reading the story becomes an addiction.

Guillain-Barré Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder and How to Dispose of a Corpse

Annand, as always, has done his research to make everything in his novel authentic and credible. Dave suffered from Guillain-Barré Syndrome, something with which Annand was familiar via an extended family member who had the disease. Having Dave suffer from GBS was a unique twist that makes things more demanding for Alex playing Dave, and of course makes it more entertaining for the reader. Connie’s bipolar disorder also spices things up, but it also provides a glimpse of what it might be like to be married to someone who is bipolar.

The most intriguing questions presented by the novel, and dealt with deftly by Annand, however, relate to Dave’s body and how Alex deals with it: How can Alex store the corpse? Where will he keep it? How can he obscure the time of death? How can he create a new, believable cause of death? Can he really pull it off? Should he really pull it off? The practical considerations run neck and neck with the ethical ones.

Tension and Sleepless Nights with Hide in Plain Sight

Alan Annand has an uncanny knack for forcing the reader to read at breakneck speed to get past all the tense moments, while at the same time making him/her wish the ride would never end. The first time you read Hide in Plain Sight, you will want to savor it, but it’ll be impossible. As the tension and questions mount, you can’t help but read as fast as you can to see what happens next. It is a most delightful form of torture.

Don’t pick up this book if you’re looking for a bedtime reading cure for insomnia. But if you’re looking for suspense, tension and the queasiness that comes from participating in questionable activities, then this book is for you. This is the perfect book to take on a flight or on vacation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT  (psychological mystery suspense) eBook $2.99, paper $9.99.  A man assumes his twin brother’s identity in order to alibi his own wife who’s accidentally killed his brother in an argument. But when he finds himself sharing a bed with his beautiful sister-in-law, he faces bigger challenges and harder choices.

www.amazon.com/Hide-in-Plain-Sight-ebook/dp/B0050K1EZA

www.smashwords.com/books/view/59291

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Val Tobin is a Feature Writer for Suite101. Formerly a software developer, she has pursued her interests in the occult, paranormal and spiritual fields through formal studies in nutrition, mediumship and parapsychology, all of which have become active professional avenues. For more information, see her website at:  http://www.serenitynowgifts.com/

 

Specimen (short crime fiction)

11 Jun

The island appeared in the distance, a smear of tan and green between the dark blue sea and the pale blue sky. It looked to be only a dozen miles in length, lying very low on the horizon as if hoping to escape notice.

Peter Flutterman in a white cotton suit and a straw hat stood on the foredeck, one hand gripping the deck railing as the boat crept up on the island. At his feet were a large suitcase, two portfolio-sized briefcases and a tubular case that looked as though it might contain a fishing rod.

*   *   *

As the boat approached the landing, a man came down to the end of the dock. He was wearing faded blue pants and a white shirt whose tails hung loose from his belt. A pith helmet sat low on his forehead. He looked to be in his mid-forties, the same age as Peter, although it was hard to judge with a full beard covering so much of his face. In any event, he looked well-preserved, unlike the typical islanders weathered by sun and wind.

The boat bumped up against the dock. A deckhand slung a rope that slithered snake-like across the dock. The bearded man picked it up and wrapped it around a capstan. As soon as the boat was secured, the deckhands formed a line and began transferring a series of boxes, barrels and bales from the hold to the dock. From the cabin, the captain waved silently to the bearded man, lighted his pipe and shook out a newspaper to read.

Peter picked up his tubular case and stepped over the gunwale. The bearded man reached out a hand to steady him as he stepped onto the dock. One of the deckhands added his suitcase and briefcases to the chain of dock-bound items.

The bearded man embraced Peter. “It’s been a long time, brother.”

“Walter? Is it really you, with a beard like a pirate?” Peter shook his head in wonder.

“And what about you, with cheeks like a baby’s bottom?” Walter touched the back of his hand to Peter’s face.

Peter tried to conceal his embarrassment. He wasn’t used to being hugged and touched, even by his long-lost twin brother. “Where’s your staff? We need help with this luggage.”

“We’ll manage all right by ourselves.” Walter picked up Peter’s two briefcases, leaving his heavy suitcase where it lay.

“I’ll need that,” Peter said.

“My staff will fetch it when they bring up the load of provisions. Let’s go up to the house and get you settled in.”

*   *   *

They walked up a footpath towards a large house framed by palm trees. Beyond the house was a quadrangle formed by long sheds. As they approached the house, a butterfly gyrated across their path. Peter dropped his case and chased it with his hat but it rose into the air and fluttered into the trees. Peter donned his hat in dismay, feeling foolish he’d been so overcome by excitement that he hadn’t extracted his butterfly net from its case.

“You needn’t have bothered,” Walter said. “You’ll see dozens more when we go into the jungle. You’ll catch them two at a time.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Of course you do. It’s the only reason you came.”

“I’d have come anyway. It’s been too long since we’ve seen each other.”

“I’ve been writing you for years. First time I mention butterflies, you decide to come.”

“Oh, let’s not start arguing. I’ve barely arrived and we’re at each other’s throats again.”

“Right. There’ll be time for that later. You’re staying the week, aren’t you?”

“Hardly any choice, is there? Given the frequency of your supply boat.”

*   *   *

After dinner, the night came upon them suddenly, like a heavy curtain at the end of a scene. They sat in rattan chairs on either side of a big sturdy table. Dirty dishes were pushed to one side. A bottle of whiskey sat on the table, a drink within each man’s reach. Through the open window, a three-quarter moon was visible. Walter smoked a hand-rolled cigarette.

“Still got that filthy habit, I see,” Peter said.

“I’ve got a lot of filthy habits.”

“Whatever your faults, you’re a decent cook. I can’t believe you made this whole meal yourself.”

“I enjoy cooking.”

“I can’t imagine doing it all the time, though. Especially not in this heat.”

“Usually I have a woman do it.”

“A woman?”

“Lovely brown-skinned thing, about 20 years old. Taiana.”

“So where is she?”

“Vanished.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“Ran off. They do that, you know. They get tired of working and they just disappear.”

“But you’re on an island. She can’t just disappear. She must be out there in the jungle somewhere.”

“She’ll be back after a week or so.”

“This happens often?”

“Once a month, with great regularity.”

Peter helped himself to more whiskey. He took a sip and cleared his throat. “I don’t know whether this is the right time or not, but I think it needs saying. I hope there’re no hard feelings between us.”

“How do you mean?”

“After the will and everything. I mean, it wasn’t my idea that Father left everything to me. You were the one who decided you couldn’t stick around to work the business.”

“Thick-headed old bugger, he would never take my advice anyway. It was like working for a dictator.” Walter stubbed his cigarette in a saucer.

“I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“No, it’s all right. I don’t hold you any grudges. I went my own way, and you stayed at home. How he disposed of the estate was his business.”

“I was afraid you’d still be bitter. To tell you the truth, I was a little worried about coming here alone.”

“I’ve found peace in what I do.”

“Hard to imagine, living out here in the middle of nowhere, in charge of forty hardened criminals.”

“It has its rewards.”

“Really? What are they?”

“You’ll see – later in the week.”

“I never really liked surprises.”

Walter nodded. “I know.”

An old clock atop a cabinet in the living room began striking twelve. Peter noticed the tones had no sustain to them, as if they were muffled slightly.

Peter yawned. “I ought to pack it in. It’s been a very long day.”

“I’ll see you to your room.”

*   *   *

They entered a small bedroom containing a single bed, a clothes dresser and a small bedside table. Walter carried a lantern, which threw barred shadows on the walls. A canopy of mosquito netting lay draped over the bed. Walter set the lantern down on the bedside table and opened the window.

“I keep the windows open for the fresh air. The drawback is the mosquitoes, but the net will protect you.”

“I’ll be fine,” Peter said.

Walter opened the drawer of the bedside table and took out a revolver. He spun the cylinder and set the gun atop the table.

“What’s that for?” Peter said.

“Snakes. Prisoners. Taiana.”

“Snakes?”

“Boa constrictors. Sometimes they come into the house, looking for mice.”

Peter scanned the corners of the room. “Prisoners?”

“This is a penal colony,” Walter reminded him.

“And Taiana?”

“This is her room.”

“Really?”

Walter went to the door. “Good night. Pleasant dreams.”

*   *   *

They sat at the breakfast table. Walter was finishing off a fairly large fish. Another fish, complete with head, lay untouched on Peter’s plate. He toyed with a piece of toast.

“No appetite?” Walter gave him a glance. “Did you sleep all right?”

“Not really. I had a nightmare.”

“Probably shouldn’t have eaten so much of that goat cheese last night.”

“A woman came into my room last night, wearing only a grass skirt.”

“Couldn’t have been Taiana. She never wears anything after midnight.”

“She sat on the edge of my bed and put her fingers on my lips,” Peter said. “She told me I was in great danger.”

“You would be, if you ever let Taiana into bed with you.”

“She told me you had gone insane.”

Walter snorted. “She’s a fine one to judge. Once every month she runs off into the bush and lives in a tree.”

“She said that, every full moon, you go insane and kill somebody.”

Walter clucked his tongue. “Quite a dream.”

“It seemed so real.”

Walter shook his head with amusement. “Look outside. That is reality. The jungle waits for us. Beautiful butterflies. What do you want to do, get out there and add them to your collection, or sit here and relive some cheesy nightmare?”

*   *   *

Peter, carrying a basket and a butterfly net, walked with Walter, who had a small rucksack slung over his shoulder. They passed through the prison compound, a square courtyard bounded on three sides by long low sheds, and on the fourth side by a wall. The doors of the sheds were closed, the windows shuttered.

“Where are all your prisoners?” Peter asked.

“They’ll be gone all week. My guards took them to the other end of the island, harvesting pineapples. I didn’t think you’d want to have them around while you’re here.”

“Still, I was curious.”

“If you really wanted, we could hike to the other end of the island to see them. But it’s fifteen miles – a full day’s journey. We’d have to camp overnight and come back the next day.”

“Sounds like an adventure.”

“Wait and see how you fare today. This might be as much adventure as you can handle.”

*   *   *

Peter followed Walter along a jungle trail. The trail was barely visible. Now and again Walter swung his machete to clear away vines and undergrowth.

“Aren’t we close yet?” Peter said. “We’ve been walking for two hours.”

“You want prize specimens, you’ve got to get off the beaten path.”

“Frankly, I can’t see a path at all.”

They emerged into a large clearing on a hillside. At the upper end of the clearing was a 20-foot cliff separating them from higher ground above. In the middle of the clearing was a huge stone head similar in size to those on Easter Island.

Peter stared in amazement. “What is that?”

“Piece of local art.”

“It looks like me, without my glasses.”

“It’s me – before I grew my beard.”

“The natives regard you as a god?”

“It was done by one of my prisoners.”

“Why’d he make you look so sinister?”

“Artistic license, I suppose. But then, the prisoner never loves his jailer.”

Walter walked to the base of the cliff, where the sun cast a deep shadow, and slung his rucksack from shoulder to ground. He stuck his machete in the ground and removed his pith helmet to wipe his face on his sleeve. Peter, still staring at the stone head, followed him into the shade.

“So this is it,” Walter said.

“What?”

“Your hunting ground. Take a look around.”

Peter set his basket down and began to walk along the perimeter, where many flowers grew. Suddenly the air was filled with a cloud of butterflies. Peter pursued them with his net, capturing several in a few swipes. He came back to where Walter was now seated on the ground, his back against the face of the cliff.

“Didn’t I tell you?” Walter said. “Two at a time.”

“This is amazing.”

Peter opened his basket and took out half a dozen small jars. One was filled with cotton, another with fluid, the rest empty. He opened the jars, took a cotton ball and dipped it into the fluid, then put the ball in an empty jar. Carefully he plucked a butterfly from the net, examined it and then put it into the jar with the cotton ball.

“Ether?” Walter guessed.

“Chloroform.”

Peter plucked another butterfly from the net, examined it and tossed it away. It fluttered away across the clearing. He plucked out another one and put it in a jar.

*   *   *

Walter sat at the base of the cliff, reading a book. A bottle protruded from the top of his open rucksack. Peter trudged in from the sun and collapsed on the ground beside him.

“Anything interesting?”

Peter caught his breath. “Three new families.”

With obvious weariness, he prepared the last three jars. He poked around in the net, mauling the undesirables, and withdrew one by one the best three specimens of the catch. He placed each in its jar and put all his jars into his basket.

“What a day!” he rejoiced.

Walter offered Peter his bottle. “Celebrate. Have a drink. You’ve earned it.”

Peter hesitated, then took the bottle and drank.

*   *   *

Walter stood in the middle of the clearing, facing the stone head. Their expressions were equally grim. Walter dropped his cigarette on the ground and crushed it under his foot. He walked to the base of the cliff, where Peter lay curled, sleeping on the ground. Walter picked up the machete. He looked down at Peter, at the carotid artery pulsing in his exposed neck. Walter ran his finger along the edge of the machete. Peter snorted in his sleep, his legs twitching. Walter moved in closer until he was standing directly over Peter.

“Peter,” he called.

Peter woke up and raised his head. He saw Walter looming over him with the machete. His face convulsed in alarm. “No!”

“Yes,” Walter said. “It’s time to go. It’ll be dark by the time we get back.”

Peter lay frozen a moment, then scrambled to his feet. He gathered up his hat, his basket and his net. “How long was I asleep?”

“An hour or so.”

“What were you doing?”

“Getting hungry. Are you ready to go?”

*   *   *

Peter sat alone at the dining table. He removed the last specimen from its jar and with a long pin mounted the butterfly with the others on a panel of his portfolio case. He sat back and admired them.

Walter came in from the kitchen, carrying a platter of meat, a bowl of vegetables and a few plates balanced on his arms like a waiter.

“Aren’t they beautiful?” Peter said.

Walter nudged the portfolio cases aside and set down their food. “Yes, but more so when they were alive.”

*   *   *

Six nights later, they sat in rattan chairs on the verandah. A pair of glasses and a bottle of whiskey occupied the small table between them. Walter smoked a cigarette. A full moon hung well above the horizon. The water was dead calm.

“I can’t believe the week’s gone already. “Peter shook his head. “Tomorrow the boat comes to take me back.”

“Pity, isn’t it? We barely got to know each other.”

“I know. We’re still awkward – like strangers.”

“And there are still so many things I don’t know about you.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know anything about your personal life.”

“I have none. I told you I never married.”

“But with no heirs, then what would happen if…?”

“Everything goes to the Royal Society.”

“Really?”

“Science is my only passion. I want to help support their research. I suppose you might think that’s unfair.”

“Not at all,” Walter shrugged. “As I said the night you arrived, I’ve made peace with my life. I don’t need your money.”

Peter squirmed a little in his seat and cast a suspicious look at Walter. He reached for the whiskey bottle and refilled his glass. Walter lighted another cigarette.

“And the business,” Walter asked, “does it take up much of your time?”

“Not really. Two foremen handle everything in the factory. An accountant takes care of the books, the bank transactions…”

“A business that runs itself,” Walter mused.

“That’s right. I have almost complete freedom to devote to my studies and researches.”

“Admirable.”

The clock in the living room began striking twelve.

“Good heavens, midnight already. No wonder I feel half dead. It’s time I retired. What about you?”

“I don’t usually go to bed until after one,” Walter said.

Peter stood. “Then I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Pleasant dreams.”

*   *   *

Peter lay snoring in bed. The door opened softly and Walter entered with a jar in one hand and a small towel in the other. He sat gingerly on the edge of Peter’s bed and parted the mosquito netting. He opened the jar and poured some liquid onto the towel. Averting his face, he gently placed the cloth against Peter’s nose and mouth. Peter snorted and raised a hand. Abruptly his hand fell back down to the bed and he heaved a deep sigh. Walter remained motionless at his side, the towel still on Peter’s face.

When Peter awoke, he discovered himself bound by wrists and ankles to a wooden frame propped against the wall of a shed. His surroundings were dimly lit by a lantern hung from a beam. Peter looked around and saw the vague outlines of several large whitish objects propped against the opposite wall. He sniffed the air and made a disgusted face. He struggled against his bonds but couldn’t budge.

Succumbing to panic, he screamed, “Walter! Help!”

Another lantern approached from the far end of the shed. It was Walter, with one hand behind his back. He hung the lantern on another beam. Peter looked beyond Walter and now, in the improved light, saw the lime-caked hulks of several dead men on wooden frames propped against the wall opposite, each with a wooden stake in his chest.

Peter fought to find a voice in his dry mouth. “Walter. Those men…”

“My prisoners, my specimens… As are you.”

Walter brought his hand from behind his back, revealing a heavy mallet and a wooden stake. He took the stake in his free hand and placed its sharpened tip against Peter’s chest. He raised the mallet over his head.

Peter screamed to no avail. “Please, no…”

*   *   *

Walter shaved off his beard and rinsed the soap from his face. He toweled himself dry and ran his hands over his smooth cheeks. He picked Peter’s glasses off the sideboard and put them on. He regarded himself in the mirror. Lovely. He looked just like Peter.

*   *   *

Walter stood on the dock, wearing Peter’s white cotton suit and straw hat. The supply boat bumped up alongside the dock. The deckhands unloaded a couple of crates and carried Peter’s suitcase, portfolio cases and net case aboard. Walter stepped onto the boat.

“Good morning, sir,” the captain greeted him.

“And to you, Captain.”

Have a good vacation?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Your brother’s not here to see you off?”

“He’s busy at the moment, tracking down an escaped prisoner. But we said our goodbyes already.”

“Right, then. Let’s be on our way.” The captain called to his deckhands. “Cast off, there.”

Walter strolled back to the stern as the boat pulled away from the dock. He stood there a long while, looking back as the island slowly receded in the distance. He picked up one of the portfolio cases, placed it on a deck hatch and opened it. Dozens of pinned butterflies lay arrayed in neat order within the case. He pulled the pin from a butterfly and placed it in the palm of his hand. He tossed it up into the breeze and watched as it appeared to flutter away towards the distant island. He pulled the pin from another butterfly and did the same. And another, and another, as the distant island sank into the horizon.

– The End ‑

If you liked this short story, try one of Alan Annand’s novels:

SCORPIO RISING 

Kindle: www.amazon.com/Scorpio-Rising-ebook/dp/B0050IOY6I

All other formats: www.smashwords.com/books/view/59231

HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT 

Kindle: www.amazon.com/Hide-in-Plain-Sight-ebook/dp/B0050K1EZA

All other formats: www.smashwords.com/books/view/59291

HARM’S WAY

Kindle: www.amazon.com/Harms-Way-ebook/dp/B005LVXIA2

All other formats: www.smashwords.com/books/view/86740

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