Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten

13 Jun


Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten! 

Feeling wobbly, forgetful, and introverted during this Mercury retrograde cycle? This can be a great time for renewal and self-reflection. The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten (TM) is designed specifically to contain and counteract the powerful negative mental and energetic effects of Mercury retrograde.

Each body mitten is hand-knitted by celibate Virgos using hypo-allergenic squirrel wool inter-woven with strands of unicorn hair that were marinated in lavender oil infused with emerald powder. This energetic matrix provides a comfortable and fashionable garment to create an aware and stable personal environment before, during, and after Mercury retrograde. 

Production of our body mittens follows a strict process of spiritual guidance, prayer, and attunement to the planet. After knitting, garments are dyed a limited range of peaceful colors (aquamarine, blue, green, mauve, teal) in a solution of Clematis, Narcissus, and White Chestnut flower essences to help ground thoughts and calm an over-stimulated mind.

The communication port located equidistant between the crown and throat chakras helps to release ideas and thoughts through communication, while the grounding port located below the base chakra allows optional access to reality, and discreet bodily functions, as required.

Mercury Retrograde Body Mittens come in several sizes. If you have a moderate-sized neurosis, just slip into our Mer-X size model, and you’ll immediately feel comforted by the warm sense of enclosure and protection the body mitten provides.

For New Age devotees crippled by more complex anxieties, say, involving both Mercurophobia and claustrophobia, you might want to consider our Mer-XL model which gives you greater freedom to thrash around inside your own little insular world.

And for co-dependent reality-denial couples, nothing says “I honor the neurotic me I see reflected in you” better than our Mer-2XL model, which features an inner partition liner (not shown) for couples who want to enjoy togetherness without actual physical contact.

Note: the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten is not suitable for children, animals or the elderly with mobility problems. It is, however, eminently suitable for breastfeeding mothers in arch-conservative environments.

The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten: when the world gets too scary for three weeks at a time, you’re safe in your own little world.

– – – – –

PS… For a post-script on the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten phenomenon that has tickled the fancy of so many readers around the world, please see my subsequent post, Smitten by the Mitten.

– – – – –

PPS… This was tongue-in-cheek, but such garments do exist, although I have absolutely no commercial interest in their retail. I imagine you can acquire one for yourself or a Mercury-phobic loved one by following my own chain of discovery, via Pinterest, AnOther magazine and Angela Crews E-shop Agency.

– – – – –

© Sextile: It might not be true, but you heard it here first.

Alan Varanasi @ 50%

Alan Annand is an astrologer and author of several crime novels and three astrology books. His New Age Noir series features astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.

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47 Responses to “Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten”

  1. Katie June 14, 2014 at 6:27 pm #

    Wonderful, but I thought unicorns were a protected species…

  2. Heather June 14, 2014 at 8:11 pm #

    Lol love it!

  3. Jacqueline Welles June 14, 2014 at 10:35 pm #

    I think I love you. Funniest thing since Swami Beyondananda

  4. Max Forseter June 15, 2014 at 2:08 am #

    The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten
    Was True, Funny and Perfectly Written
    Dorothy Parker would be quite proud
    Especially when read out loud
    – Afflicted Thrice Annually

  5. lalunayestrella June 15, 2014 at 4:52 am #

    Reblogged this on Maggie`s blogg and commented:

  6. Cyndie June 15, 2014 at 8:58 am #

    Absolutely loved this body mitten.

  7. Atell Psychic Tarot June 15, 2014 at 9:55 am #

    Brilliant post! I cannot remember when last I have laughed this hard….and during Mercury retrograde to boot. Well done. The parts about lavender oil infused with emerald powder struck a chord in particular. But on a more serious note, how much is shipping to South Africa? I think I might need the Mer XL model. 😉

  8. Allison Andersen June 15, 2014 at 10:35 am #

    This. Is. Epic. I love it!

  9. Sol With June 15, 2014 at 1:36 pm #

    Reblogged this on Astrology for the evolution of Consciousness and commented:
    Well, this one just had to be reblogged…too good to not read…

  10. mara June 15, 2014 at 6:57 pm #

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I so need this right now.

  11. Callie Carling (@CallieCarling) June 16, 2014 at 2:21 am #

    *heheh* Brilliant post – thank you for kickstarting my working week with a real belly-laugh!!! Hideous items, but I DO need one for the Mercury in retrograde phase 😀 x

  12. Olga Norstrom June 16, 2014 at 10:54 am #

    This is fantastic! I could not stop laughing. Thank you!

  13. runbei June 16, 2014 at 12:54 pm #

    Masterful. Thanks for the laugh.

  14. Nikademus June 16, 2014 at 1:32 pm #

    Everyone needs a Thneed…

  15. Dina June 16, 2014 at 8:08 pm #

    It’s a Thneed! I want one! Is it made from truffula trees?

  16. Reticula June 16, 2014 at 9:11 pm #

    LOL I NEED this. I don’t know if I can blame Mercury, but some craziness has been plaguing my life. If a Seuss-like sweater would help, I’d wear it no matter how hot the summer sun burns. Funny post. Thanks.

  17. Martha June 17, 2014 at 10:23 am #

    Wickedly wonderful

  18. Barb June 17, 2014 at 11:26 am #

    It looks vaguely uncircumsized …

    • alanannand June 18, 2014 at 4:56 pm #

      Barb – You’re obviously not a celibate Virgo, and therefore unqualified to knit the matrix.

  19. mr4givness June 17, 2014 at 12:03 pm #

    You could see a ton of these in Santa Fe, New Mexico!

  20. Richard Hudak June 17, 2014 at 2:56 pm #

    Reblogged this on The Considered Kula and commented:
    On the lighthearted side, there are funny people.

  21. lorrigoddard June 17, 2014 at 4:58 pm #

    Hahaha!! I love your humour!!

  22. ame cobb June 17, 2014 at 5:06 pm #

    A bit of fun although it left my nose itching.

  23. Rita Evelyn Yanez June 18, 2014 at 8:08 am #

    Reblogged this on Rita Evelyn Yáñez and commented:

  24. Elvan Savkli June 19, 2014 at 9:05 am #

    Reblogged this on Elvan elvan savkli.

  25. hahahahahahahahaha I love that shit!

  26. philosophoenix June 19, 2014 at 2:21 pm #

    Brilliant! Thank you so much for this, because it made my day.

  27. Lisa June 19, 2014 at 9:51 pm #

    I don’t think I’ve read something as funny as this in years. SERIOUSLY! Tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard…

  28. Leslie June 20, 2014 at 2:12 pm #

    Oh my…..this is absolutely awesome. Will it make me invisible as well? Then it would be perfect.

  29. ladytatianna June 26, 2014 at 3:44 pm #

    Reblogged this on ladytatianna and commented:
    I love this ideea……we should all use this product.

  30. Jim July 15, 2014 at 1:40 pm #

    I can appreciate the obvious advantage of this specific body-sweater design, but (I’m just a little curious), could this just be a clever way to market some turtleneck sweaters that were originally designed for very tall people but got w-a-a-a-a-y too far off the mark in manufacturing? (I’m just a little curious)

  31. alejandraivette94 August 15, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

    Reblogged this on Ten Mile Stilts and commented:
    I doubt I’ll be using the communication port much.

  32. Parker Jamie February 26, 2016 at 4:39 am #

    true that

  33. Nita March 14, 2019 at 12:00 pm #

    This is so brilliant!!! I usually don’t get hit with merc retrogrades and as an Intuitive medium, bailing others out. Nope this Pisces/ need retro, let me say, I need a hideaway place.
    I needed this laughter….. onto the rainbows it is


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