Go ahead, make my day. I’ll show you what a sudden impact with Mercury retrograde feels like.
Tag Archives: mercury retrograde
Mercury Retrograde Sex
20 May20 ways to show the love during Mercury Rx…
As an astrologer, I get a lot of calls this time of year from clients asking whether it’s appropriate to have sex while Mercury is retrograde. For these three weeks, they worry their guy won’t be able to get his mojo working, or if he does, the condom will catch on fire, or even if it doesn’t, she won’t get no satisfaction… People wonder, maybe it’s not worth trying at all?
Nonsense. Don’t let that schizophrenic little planet dictate your sex life. Learn to work with it. During retrograde periods, simply honor Mercury by invoking the classic themes associated with the trickster planet. Follow these practical guidelines and you’re guaranteed to get off to a good start:
Have phone sex. Gemini loves to talk, and Virgo hates a mess anyway. Call up a friend and tell them how you like it.
Start a sex diary. Even if you’re not getting it regularly now, you’ll probably enjoy reliving a few memories from your college days.
Read erotica, alone or to each other – Anais Nin, The Joy of Sex, Henry Miller, the Kama Sutra. Not at your book club, or you’ll be getting home late.
Sext someone. Show your love with proper spelling and grammar. Nothing betrays lack of class like a note at the end saying, Did u cum 2?
Use your hands. Mercury is notoriously ambidextrous, so if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Even if it’s only you.
Restrict the senses. Wear a blindfold and earplugs to rediscover the other senses – smell, taste, touch and shameless gratification.
Dive headfirst into a wet dream. Love is an illusion anyway, so go deep, go surreal or go home alone.
Take a Sex Ed course, demand extra homework and ask for private tutoring. You just might become the next teacher’s pet.
Do it with mirrors. Mercury is all about duplication and self-reflection. Even if you don’t live in California, you two can make a foursome.
Do it in cars, boats, trains, planes, bunk beds, elevators, libraries, bookstores or stationery supply rooms. Be careful on the photocopier.
Record yourself in bed. If you don’t look that great on video, try a podcast. On audio everyone will think you’re just a cat in heat anyway.
Let other people watch. Except your kids, unless you can afford several years of therapy for their wounded psyches.
You don’t have to wait for the weekend. Wednesday is hump day.
Renew your marriage vows in Vegas, just for the second honeymoon sex.
If you live in the Appalachians, share your love with a sibling, cousin or uncle.
Do it with twins. Geminis come in pairs, so why shouldn’t you?
Dance the night away. It might take two to tango, but if you still wanna, you can always lambada — down and dirty on the dancefloor.
Mercury loves games of logic and skill, so try your hand at strip poker — Texas Shuck ‘em, deuces wild.
Confess your cardinal sins to someone who has none.
Use your head. Be a cunning linguist.
~~~~~~~~~
Alan Annand is an astrologer as well as a writer of humor and crime fiction. His Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten tickled the funny bone of astrological aficionados everywhere. His New Age Noir series (Scorpio Rising, Felonious Monk, Soma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”
Websites: www.navamsa.com, www.sextile.com
Mercury Retrograde Winter Retreat
28 Jan
Every blue moon or so, Mercury retrograde looms as a triple seasonal menace – this year, a holiday hangover of unpaid credit card bills, polar vortex weather, and more terrorists in the news than you can shake a Bible at. Times like this, you need to get away, as deep into the soft underbelly of your wounded psyche as a hibernating bear in a boreal snow bank.
But forget about going south, because fun in the sun will only distract you from the mindfulness necessary to understand your sorry existence. To contemplate your navel fuzz in total isolation, please consider our Mercury Retrograde Winter Retreat, nestled deep in the Canadian hinterland, accessible only by a torturous train ride from Toronto.
Our igloo village hermitage is an oasis of self-imposed exile, buffered from the world by a 10-foot wall of pristine sub-Arctic snow pack. Here you can ride out the astrological affective disorder known as Mercury Retrograde Syndrome, a psychological malaise that recurs three times a year, bringing much of western society’s rational thinking to a grinding halt.
Each guest igloo is constructed in the form of a geodesic dome with tempered thermo-pane glass. Our trademarked design provides superlative shielding from high-intensity northern lights, harmful radiation of Mercury Retrograde, and frequent assaults by marauding polar bears foraging for tourists.
Not only the upper atmosphere gets excited by solar flares at high latitudes. Thanks to the ambient room temperature of 40F (4C) maintained in all guest igloos, you and your retreat companion will have little choice but to share your body heat. Many couples report having more sex during Mercury Retrograde winter retreats than they actually even wanted. You’re welcome!
For those who come to the hermitage alone, room service will provide hot water bottles filled with your choice of mulled wines, grog, hot toddies or high-proof cider. For a small extra fee, our qualified staff can set you up with an IV drip or a therapeutic enema.
Our lakeside spa offers crystal-clear water chilled to within a few degrees of hypothermia. After emerging from near-death immersion, you’ll be gratefully reborn as attendants whip circulation back into your body, using birch branches blessed by a local shaman. Brandy, cognac, schnapps and other anti-coagulants are available from the patio bar.
Since Mercury Retrograde already provides adequate food for thought, we’re not into the whole culinary thing. But our cafeteria is open 24/7, with a limited range of tasty fast food. Try our Polar Pizza (wolverine salami with seal cheese), Boreal Burgers (minced caribou with a heart-smart spread of lichens) and our perennial dessert favorite – Eskimo Pie.
Although the Mercury Retrograde Hermitage is designed to insulate guests from both the world and their fellow refugees, we offer evening leg wrestling and snuggle sessions in our communal lounge. Every sign in the zodiac (even Virgo and Scorpio) is welcome to enjoy the ambiance of our coal-fired braziers. And for those who neglected to pack adequate clothing, complimentary leg warmers, hand-woven by Inuit artisans from hypo-allergenic muskrat hides, are available in a limited range of hair densities.
Our guest igloos have no phone, TV, radio, WiFi or cellular reception to distract you from your introspective sojourn. So just lie back on your mattress of organic cedar boughs and enjoy an unobstructed view of the northern stars, the contemplation of which will remind you of your insignificance in the face of the cosmos.
Mercury Retrograde – when you just need an excuse to do absolutely nothing for three weeks.
********
Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”
Read reviews for Scorpio Rising (#1), buy it or Felonious Monk (#2) at: Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Flipkart, Kobo & Smashwords
The world’s most interesting astrologer: retrograde
24 Jan
Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”
Read reviews for Scorpio Rising (#1), buy it or Felonious Monk (#2) at:
Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Flipkart, Kobo & Smashwords
Mercury Retrograde: Smitten by the Mitten!
17 Oct
Ever since last Friday the 13th when I posted the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten, I’ve been gratified and horrified by the high degree of interest shown in this cocoon-like garment. Are we that scared of the world? Clearly, I touched a nerve. Do we all need shrinks? Or just a body mitten?
First, thanks to Tem Tarriktar, publisher of The Mountain Astrologer magazine, who offered to re-post on TMA’s Facebook page. Given the impetus provided by TMA’s 38k fans, within a few days my post received 100k views.
The following Thursday, author Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) posted it on her Facebook page. By the following weekend, the post had enjoyed about 180k views. This confirmed for me that Mercurophobia extends well beyond the astrological community. Zealous psychotherapists, take note.
Now, since most writers hate writing and will use any distraction to avoid facing their demons, I’ve wasted hours reading comments from my website and various Facebook pages. Here, a few comments of my own:
To the Virgo spinster who applied for a job knitting the body mitten, even though she said it looked like an uncircumcised penis, I must say no. You’re obviously not as celibate as you pretend, therefore not qualified to knit the inviolate matrix of squirrel wool and unicorn hair that repels retrograde Mercury’s bad vibes.
To the new mother, a Cancer, who read that post and laughed so hard she peed, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. Newer versions of the body mitten will incorporate an absorbent bottom liner similar to what you’d find in a bird cage.
To the Aquarian who wondered if we’ll be marketing international designs, they’re in the works. For example, the Burqa-Mitten will soon be on shelves everywhere in the Muslim world, insh’allah.
To the Leo who complained it’s too hot to wear the body mitten during Retrograde Mercury periods in equatorial climes, our designers are now fashioning a model made of breathable hemp. If you don’t like it, you can smoke it, and then who cares about Mercury Retrograde?
To the Capricorn who worried that our body mittens have no fire or emergency exit, our designers are now working on a quick-release lanyard made of high-tensile monkey hair. One quick tug, your mitten will unravel, and you’ll be free to run and hide elsewhere.
To the Aries gal who complained that the body mitten won’t help get her laid during Mercury Retrograde, I say, why is it always about you? The head portal of the mitten is already perfectly positioned for giving, um, pleasure to someone else.
(The ME-Rsex shown here features spreadable legs and a deep throat chakra. The model inside is holding a TV remote but we all know what that represents.)
To the many Taurus folks concerned about animal rights, no squirrels or unicorns were harmed during the harvesting of their wool and hair. Our mitten farms are inspected regularly by officers of the SPCA (Society for the Protection of Cottage-industry Animals).
To the lovely Libran who worried that her hair and makeup would be disturbed inside the body mitten, please rest assured, sweetheart, everyone looks absolutely fabulous inside our mittens!
To the Pisces lady who asked whether our unicorns are pure-blooded, dimidian or quartarian, because she only wanted the pure one, I guarantee they’re 100% imaginary, and completely unadulterated by reality.
To the Sagittarian who enquired about a body mitten for camping, our designers have been working on one called the Clarissa that replaces squirrel wool with wolf fur. Unfortunately, during field trials, the women campers have all run away with wolves, taking their body mittens with them.
To the Gemini who suggested the body mitten could be marketed for coach airplane travel, we’re already in discussion with Virgin Airlines. Sir Richard, author of the book Screw it, Let’s Do it, has agreed to donate his share of profits to a foundation for the preservation of unicorns.
Lastly, to the many consumers who’ve written to warn us that cheap knockoffs are now appearing on the streets of London, New York and Los Angeles, I must advise, beware of fakes made by nympho Scorpios using cat fur and skank hair. Check the manufacturer’s label, which should read:
© SEXTILE: It’s all in bad taste, but it’s what we do best.
PS: If anyone knows any celibate Virgos who can knit, please contact me, because our production line is now 5000 units behind order. I know you’re out there. Agents are standing by, and your desperate calls will be discreetly handled.
—-
Seriously, folks (although I know it’s hard to take me seriously), these garments do exist in the real world. AnOtherMag has described them as having “the dual benefit of keeping you cozy while looking crazy enough to keep anyone from disturbing you.” Available from Andrea Crews eShop Agency of Paris with world-wide outlets, where they’re known as the BodySuit, or full-body sweater.
– – – – –
© Sextile: It’s all in bad taste, but it’s what we do best.
Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.
Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo, Smashwords
The cliché of Mercury retrograde thinking
11 Oct
pinterest.com/pin/39406565464906338/
As an author I try to be mindful of clichés and avoid them like the plague. Clichés include phrases like: think outside the horoscope, kill two Geminis with one stone, take the Taurus by the horns, etc. We’ve seen these word-groups so many times they’ve become stock communications devices, comfortable crutches we can lean on when we’re too lazy to walk.
The challenge that every serious writer takes up, however, is to express something in words that no one’s yet composed in this particular combination. The very word novelist implies a responsibility to say something new, or at least say an old thing in a novel way.
As an astrologer, I’m dismayed at how often our profession advises deferring life in the face of Mercury retrograde. Three times a year this old bogeyman in a wheelchair gets rolled out for everyone to contemplate with a collective sense of dread, lethargy and resignation.
pinterest.com/pin/39406565464906363/
Sadly, repeated warnings of Mercury retrograde from the astrological community have become a kind of boy-who-cried-wolf running gag that now turns up on mainstream media. Sorry, but we do our profession no service by continuing to spout this questionable folk wisdom. We might as well shout: Beware Friday the 13th! Don’t walk under that ladder in front of that black cat! Don’t step on that crack, you’ll break your mother’s back!
Mercury retrograde has become the modern astrologer’s cliché. So deeply entrenched is this in our culture that some national astrological associations routinely offer for sale wallet-sized cards indicating Mercury retrograde periods. God forbid we should forget to discourage a client with the dubious prediction that these murky periods – three times a year, for three weeks at a pop – lurk like ponds of quicksand to swallow their emails, their travel plans or their job interviews.
Meanwhile, serious analysis of this phenomenon reveals no bias whatsoever for mishap or disaster during Mercury retrograde periods – neither natural disasters, aviation crashes, maritime sinkings, train wrecks nor acts of terrorism. If there really was a discernible southbound drift of stock prices during Mercury retrograde, don’t you think we’d all be counting our money on the terrace of our Caribbean hideaway instead of selling umbrellas to clients for the next planetary shit-storm?
Mercury retrograde: it’s a problem all right, but one that we’ve created in our own minds. We lend it more credence than it deserves, and it’s time we stop passing this fallacy on to our clients.
But if you think this is unduly harsh, just remember, Every cloud has a Mercury lining.
~~~~~~~~~
Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler whom one reviewer called “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”
Find his books at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo, Smashwords
Astrologer: http://www.navamsa.com. Writer: http://www.sextile.com.
The world’s most interesting astrologer: Mercury retrograde
5 Oct
Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.
Read reviews for Scorpio Rising (#1), buy it or Felonious Monk (#2) at:
Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Flipkart, Kobo & Smashwords
It’s Mercury Retrograde! Put on your Body Mitten
4 OctMercury Retrograde Body Mitten!
Feeling wobbly, forgetful, and introverted during this Mercury retrograde cycle? This can be a great time for renewal and self-reflection. The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten (TM) is designed specifically to contain and counteract the powerful negative mental and energetic effects of Mercury retrograde.
Each body mitten is hand-knitted by celibate Virgos using hypo-allergenic squirrel wool inter-woven with strands of unicorn hair that were marinated in lavender oil infused with emerald powder. This energetic matrix provides a comfortable and fashionable garment to create an aware and stable personal environment before, during, and after Mercury retrograde.
Production of our body mittens follows a strict process of spiritual guidance, prayer, and attunement to the planet. After knitting, garments are dyed a limited range of peaceful colors (aquamarine, blue, green, mauve, teal) in a solution of Clematis, Narcissus, and White Chestnut flower essences to help ground thoughts and calm an over-stimulated mind.
The communication port located equidistant between the crown and throat chakras helps to release ideas and thoughts through communication, while the grounding port located below the base chakra allows optional access to reality, and discreet bodily functions, as required.
Mercury Retrograde Body Mittens come in several sizes. If you have a moderate-sized neurosis, just slip into our Mer-X size model, and you’ll immediately feel comforted by the warm sense of enclosure and protection the body mitten provides.
For New Age devotees crippled by more complex anxieties, say, involving both Mercurophobia and claustrophobia, you might want to consider our Mer-XL model which gives you greater freedom to thrash around inside your own little insular world.
And for co-dependent reality-denial couples, nothing says “I honor the neurotic me I see reflected in you” better than our Mer-2XL model, which features an inner partition liner (not shown) for couples who want to enjoy togetherness without actual physical contact.
Note: the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten is not suitable for children, animals or the elderly with mobility problems. It is, however, eminently suitable for breastfeeding mothers in arch-conservative environments.
The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten: when the world gets too scary for three weeks at a time, you’re safe in your own little world.
– – – – –
PS… For a post-script on the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten phenomenon that has tickled the fancy of so many readers around the world, please see my subsequent post, Smitten by the Mitten.
– – – – –
PPS… This was tongue-in-cheek, but such garments do exist, although I have absolutely no commercial interest in their retail. I imagine you can acquire one for yourself or a Mercury-phobic loved one by following my own chain of discovery, via Pinterest, AnOther magazine and Angela Crews E-shop Agency.
– – – – –
© Sextile: It might not be true, but you heard it here first.
Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.
Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo, Smashwords
Follow Alan on :
Sextile 