Mercury Retrograde: Smitten by the Mitten!

17 Oct

body_sweater_flip_cropEver since last Friday the 13th when I posted the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten, I’ve been gratified and horrified by the high degree of interest shown in this cocoon-like garment. Are we that scared of the world? Clearly, I touched a nerve. Do we all need shrinks? Or just a body mitten?

First, thanks to Tem Tarriktar, publisher of The Mountain Astrologer magazine, who offered to re-post on TMA’s Facebook page. Given the impetus provided by TMA’s 38k fans, within a few days my post received 100k views.

The following Thursday, author Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) posted it on her Facebook page. By the following weekend, the post had enjoyed about 180k views. This confirmed for me that Mercurophobia extends well beyond the astrological community. Zealous psychotherapists, take note.

Now, since most writers hate writing and will use any distraction to avoid facing their demons, I’ve wasted hours reading comments from my website and various Facebook pages. Here, a few comments of my own:

To the Virgo spinster who applied for a job knitting the body mitten, even though she said it looked like an uncircumcised penis, I must say no. You’re obviously not as celibate as you pretend, therefore not qualified to knit the inviolate matrix of squirrel wool and unicorn hair that repels retrograde Mercury’s bad vibes.

To the new mother, a Cancer, who read that post and laughed so hard she peed, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. Newer versions of the body mitten will incorporate an absorbent bottom liner similar to what you’d find in a bird cage.

To the Aquarian who wondered if we’ll be marketing international designs, they’re in the works. For example, the Burqa-Mitten will soon be on shelves everywhere in the Muslim world, insh’allah.

To the Leo who complained it’s too hot to wear the body mitten during Retrograde Mercury periods in equatorial climes, our designers are now fashioning a model made of breathable hemp. If you don’t like it, you can smoke it, and then who cares about Mercury Retrograde?

To the Capricorn who worried that our body mittens have no fire or emergency exit, our designers are now working on a quick-release lanyard made of high-tensile monkey hair. One quick tug, your mitten will unravel, and you’ll be free to run and hide elsewhere.

To the Aries gal who complained that the body mitten won’t help get her laid during Mercury Retrograde, I say, why is it always about you? The head portal of the mitten is already perfectly positioned for giving, um, pleasure to someone else.


(The ME-Rsex shown here features spreadable legs and a deep throat chakra. The model inside is holding a TV remote but we all know what that represents.)

To the many Taurus folks concerned about animal rights, no squirrels or unicorns were harmed during the harvesting of their wool and hair. Our mitten farms are inspected regularly by officers of the SPCA (Society for the Protection of Cottage-industry Animals).

To the lovely Libran who worried that her hair and makeup would be disturbed inside the body mitten, please rest assured, sweetheart, everyone looks absolutely fabulous inside our mittens!

To the Pisces lady who asked whether our unicorns are pure-blooded, dimidian or quartarian, because she only wanted the pure one, I guarantee they’re 100% imaginary, and completely unadulterated by reality.

To the Sagittarian who enquired about a body mitten for camping, our designers have been working on one called the Clarissa that replaces squirrel wool with wolf fur. Unfortunately, during field trials, the women campers have all run away with wolves, taking their body mittens with them.

To the Gemini who suggested the body mitten could be marketed for coach airplane travel, we’re already in discussion with Virgin Airlines. Sir Richard, author of the book Screw it, Let’s Do it, has agreed to donate his share of profits to a foundation for the preservation of unicorns.

Lastly, to the many consumers who’ve written to warn us that cheap knockoffs are now appearing on the streets of London, New York and Los Angeles, I must advise, beware of fakes made by nympho Scorpios using cat fur and skank hair. Check the manufacturer’s label, which should read:

© SEXTILE: It’s all in bad taste, but it’s what we do best.

PS: If anyone knows any celibate Virgos who can knit, please contact me, because our production line is now 5000 units behind order. I know you’re out there. Agents are standing by, and your desperate calls will be discreetly handled.


Seriously, folks (although I know it’s hard to take me seriously), these garments do exist in the real world. AnOtherMag has described them as having “the dual benefit of keeping you cozy while looking crazy enough to keep anyone from disturbing you.” Available from Andrea Crews eShop Agency of Paris with world-wide outlets, where they’re known as the BodySuit, or full-body sweater.

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© Sextile: It’s all in bad taste, but it’s what we do best.

Alan Varanasi @ 50%

Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.

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