As an astrologer, I get a lot of calls this time of year from clients asking whether it’s appropriate to have sex while Mercury is retrograde. For these three weeks, they worry their guy won’t be able to get his mojo working, or if he does, the condom will catch on fire, or even if it doesn’t, she won’t get no satisfaction… People wonder, maybe it’s not worth trying at all?
Nonsense. Don’t let that schizophrenic little planet dictate your sex life. Learn to work with it. During retrograde periods, simply honor Mercury by invoking the classic themes associated with the trickster planet. Follow these practical guidelines and you’re guaranteed to get off to a good start:
Have phone sex. Gemini loves to talk, and Virgo hates a mess anyway. Call up a friend and tell them how you like it.
Start a sex diary. Even if you’re not getting it regularly now, you’ll probably enjoy reliving a few memories from your college days.
Read erotica, alone or to each other – Anais Nin, The Joy of Sex, Henry Miller, the Kama Sutra. Not at your book club, or you’ll be getting home late.
Sext someone. Show your love with proper spelling and grammar. Nothing betrays lack of class like a note at the end saying, Did u cum 2?
Use your hands. Mercury is notoriously ambidextrous, so if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Even if it’s only you.
Restrict the senses. Wear a blindfold and earplugs to rediscover the other senses – smell, taste, touch and shameless gratification.
Dive headfirst into a wet dream. Love is an illusion anyway, so go deep, go surreal or go home alone.
Take a Sex Ed course, demand extra homework and ask for private tutoring. You just might become the next teacher’s pet.
Do it with mirrors. Mercury is all about duplication and self-reflection. Even if you don’t live in California, you two can make a foursome.
Do it in cars, boats, trains, planes, bunk beds, elevators, libraries, bookstores or stationery supply rooms. Be careful on the photocopier.
Record yourself in bed. If you don’t look that great on video, try a podcast. On audio everyone will think you’re just a cat in heat anyway.
Let other people watch. Except your kids, unless you can afford several years of therapy for their wounded psyches.
You don’t have to wait for the weekend. Wednesday is hump day.
Renew your marriage vows in Vegas, just for the second honeymoon sex.
If you live in the Appalachians, share your love with a sibling, cousin or uncle.
Do it with twins. Geminis come in pairs, so why shouldn’t you?
Dance the night away. It might take two to tango, but if you still wanna, you can always lambada — down and dirty on the dancefloor.
Mercury loves games of logic and skill, so try your hand at strip poker — Texas Shuck ‘em, deuces wild.
Confess your cardinal sins to someone who has none.
Use your head. Be a cunning linguist.
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Alan Annand is an astrologer as well as a writer of humor and crime fiction. His Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten tickled the funny bone of astrological aficionados everywhere. His New Age Noir series (Scorpio Rising, Felonious Monk, Soma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”
Websites: www.navamsa.com, www.sextile.com
I was digging a hole for a body the other night and I got to thinking, why does everyone seem to hate Scorpios? So I leaned on my shovel and asked my partner Sybil who was helping me dig, “Why does everyone hate us?”
“By us, you mean stone-cold killers?” she said.
“No, I mean Scorpios.”
“Oh, that again.”
We’d had this discussion before. By a twist of fate, we’d been thrown together seven years ago, having survived an attack of killer bees on a nature hike in Arizona. We’d both been stung dozens of times, and half our party had died of anaphylactic shock. But apparently we’d had good immune systems. After a couple of days in hospital, we were discharged.
We’d gone out for lunch and over drinks got to comparing life stories. Turns out we were both triple Scorpios – ascendant, sun and moon. Bad to the bone. We decided to buy a bottle of tequila, score some local weed and rent a motel. I could tell you the rest but that would just be pornographic.
“Seriously, why do they hate us?”
“From my point of view,” she said, “it’s because you never tell the truth. You’re sneaky. You’re always doing things behind my back.”
“Baby, I’m hurt. You know that’s not true.”
“Then you play the victim, just so you can manipulate me. You don’t play nice. You’re a sociopath.”
“Play nice? This coming from the Chameleon Queen?” I had to defend myself, because Scorpios never back down. “You blow hot and cold one minute to the next. You ask to be left alone, next thing you’re sexting some guy on the phone. I call you out, and you get all nasty with me.”
“You’re nosy. You’re always snooping around my business.”
“Monkey business isn’t a real occupation, except for you.”
“You’re sarcastic and mean.”
“I just tell the truth. Straight up. On the rocks, baby.”
“You have zero empathy for others. You could watch a person die and not lift a finger, unless it was to check their wallet or cop a feel.”
“I give everybody one chance, but one chance only. If you can’t stand on your own after I’ve helped you up, I’ve got no use for you.”
“Except when you want to jump my bones.”
“I swear, it’s never even my idea. I think you got some little voodoo doll of me in your drawers, you take it out and start jerking it off. Next thing I know I’m lapping tequila shots out of your navel.”
“C’mon, admit it. You’ve got sex on the brain. I look at you, I see a 24/7 woodie.”
“Maybe so, but it’s not just for you.”
“Like I said, sneaky and mean.” She brought her shovel to her shoulder and I took a moment to gauge the radius of the handle and how far I’d have to jump if she took a swing at me. The hole we’d dug was almost big enough for two.
“Now baby, you know I’m just kidding.”
“That’s not kidding, that’s being passive-aggressive.” She turned her eyes on me. “Now look here.”
“No.” I averted my gaze. “I don’t want to be hypnotized or X-rayed. There ought to be a law against your evil eye.”
“Huh. If I could really see through you, I’d get a glimpse of some reptile, all scaly and squinty-eyed from being underground so long he forgot how to be human.”
“I’ve got a right to my privacy.”
“You sleep in my bed, you have no rights and no secrets. You obey me. There are no safe words. You do not fuck with me unless invited.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And do not take a sarcastic tone with me.”
“Baby, I don’t want to fight. We’re just talking. I want to understand why they hate us so much.”
“You really don’t know?”
“Do you?”
Sybil put down her shovel and took off her sweater, revealing only a thin T-shirt beneath. Because it was a warm night and she’d been working the shovel hard, the T-shirt was wet and clung to her breasts like a moist cheesecloth over freshly-kneaded loaves of bread.
She spread her sweater on the ground a few feet from the hole. “Come here and I’ll show you.”
“Is this some kind of black magic thing, what with the full moon and a fresh corpse and all?”
“Shut up and get naked.”
A coyote or a wolf, something hungry, howled from not too far away. A chill went up my tailbone, but I didn’t run. Safety in numbers, even if we were only two. We were both triple Scorpios, after all, so we were practically a six-pack.
She shucked off her jeans, stretched out on her sweater and writhed like a snake in the moonlight. I joined her there among the pine needles and we made love like wild things, scaring off all the animals in the forest.
Maybe that’s why they love to hate us.
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Alan Annand is a writer and astrologer with the moon in Scorpio. Find his New Age Noir series and other mystery novels at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo and Smashwords.
I saw Jesus, Easter Friday 2015, waiting for the lunar eclipse…
eCollage by Alan Annand, writer and astrologer
STELLAR ASTROLOGY by Alan Annand: applications of jyotish (Vedic astrology).
This is a compilation of essays on techniques, in-depth celebrity profiles, and analysis of mundane events. A highly informative reference work intended for serious students of astrology, it is written in a clear and lively style by an astrologer experienced in both western and Vedic systems.
Available in ebook form for $2.99 or its equivalent via Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Flipkart, Kobo and Smashwords.
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Alan Annand is a graduate of the American College of Vedic Astrology and the British Faculty of Astrological Studies. He is both a practicing astrologer and a writer of crime fiction. His NEW AGE NOIR series (Scorpio Rising, Felonious Monk, Soma County) features astrologer Axel Crowe, whom one reviewer dubbed “Sherlock Holmes with a horoscope.”
Websites: www.navamsa.com, www.sextile.com
“The world is changing very fast. Big will not beat small anymore. It will be the fast beating the slow.”
~ Rupert Murdoch, b. 11 March 1931
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/39406565463809864/
Ever since last Friday the 13th when I posted the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten, I’ve been gratified and horrified by the high degree of interest shown in this cocoon-like garment. Are we that scared of the world? Clearly, I touched a nerve. Do we all need shrinks? Or just a body mitten?
First, thanks to Tem Tarriktar, publisher of The Mountain Astrologer magazine, who offered to re-post on TMA’s Facebook page. Given the impetus provided by TMA’s 38k fans, within a few days my post received 100k views.
The following Thursday, author Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) posted it on her Facebook page. By the following weekend, the post had enjoyed about 180k views. This confirmed for me that Mercurophobia extends well beyond the astrological community. Zealous psychotherapists, take note.
Now, since most writers hate writing and will use any distraction to avoid facing their demons, I’ve wasted hours reading comments from my website and various Facebook pages. Here, a few comments of my own:
To the Virgo spinster who applied for a job knitting the body mitten, even though she said it looked like an uncircumcised penis, I must say no. You’re obviously not as celibate as you pretend, therefore not qualified to knit the inviolate matrix of squirrel wool and unicorn hair that repels retrograde Mercury’s bad vibes.
To the new mother, a Cancer, who read that post and laughed so hard she peed, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. Newer versions of the body mitten will incorporate an absorbent bottom liner similar to what you’d find in a bird cage.
To the Aquarian who wondered if we’ll be marketing international designs, they’re in the works. For example, the Burqa-Mitten will soon be on shelves everywhere in the Muslim world, insh’allah.
To the Leo who complained it’s too hot to wear the body mitten during Retrograde Mercury periods in equatorial climes, our designers are now fashioning a model made of breathable hemp. If you don’t like it, you can smoke it, and then who cares about Mercury Retrograde?
To the Capricorn who worried that our body mittens have no fire or emergency exit, our designers are now working on a quick-release lanyard made of high-tensile monkey hair. One quick tug, your mitten will unravel, and you’ll be free to run and hide elsewhere.
To the Aries gal who complained that the body mitten won’t help get her laid during Mercury Retrograde, I say, why is it always about you? The head portal of the mitten is already perfectly positioned for giving, um, pleasure to someone else.
(The ME-Rsex shown here features spreadable legs and a deep throat chakra. The model inside is holding a TV remote but we all know what that represents.)
To the many Taurus folks concerned about animal rights, no squirrels or unicorns were harmed during the harvesting of their wool and hair. Our mitten farms are inspected regularly by officers of the SPCA (Society for the Protection of Cottage-industry Animals).
To the lovely Libran who worried that her hair and makeup would be disturbed inside the body mitten, please rest assured, sweetheart, everyone looks absolutely fabulous inside our mittens!
To the Pisces lady who asked whether our unicorns are pure-blooded, dimidian or quartarian, because she only wanted the pure one, I guarantee they’re 100% imaginary, and completely unadulterated by reality.
To the Sagittarian who enquired about a body mitten for camping, our designers have been working on one called the Clarissa that replaces squirrel wool with wolf fur. Unfortunately, during field trials, the women campers have all run away with wolves, taking their body mittens with them.
To the Gemini who suggested the body mitten could be marketed for coach airplane travel, we’re already in discussion with Virgin Airlines. Sir Richard, author of the book Screw it, Let’s Do it, has agreed to donate his share of profits to a foundation for the preservation of unicorns.
Lastly, to the many consumers who’ve written to warn us that cheap knockoffs are now appearing on the streets of London, New York and Los Angeles, I must advise, beware of fakes made by nympho Scorpios using cat fur and skank hair. Check the manufacturer’s label, which should read:
© SEXTILE: It’s all in bad taste, but it’s what we do best.
PS: If anyone knows any celibate Virgos who can knit, please contact me, because our production line is now 5000 units behind order. I know you’re out there. Agents are standing by, and your desperate calls will be discreetly handled.
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Seriously, folks (although I know it’s hard to take me seriously), these garments do exist in the real world. AnOtherMag has described them as having “the dual benefit of keeping you cozy while looking crazy enough to keep anyone from disturbing you.” Available from Andrea Crews eShop Agency of Paris with world-wide outlets, where they’re known as the BodySuit, or full-body sweater.
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Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.
Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo, Smashwords
Feeling wobbly, forgetful, and introverted during this Mercury retrograde cycle? This can be a great time for renewal and self-reflection. The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten (TM) is designed specifically to contain and counteract the powerful negative mental and energetic effects of Mercury retrograde.
Each body mitten is hand-knitted by celibate Virgos using hypo-allergenic squirrel wool inter-woven with strands of unicorn hair that were marinated in lavender oil infused with emerald powder. This energetic matrix provides a comfortable and fashionable garment to create an aware and stable personal environment before, during, and after Mercury retrograde.
Production of our body mittens follows a strict process of spiritual guidance, prayer, and attunement to the planet. After knitting, garments are dyed a limited range of peaceful colors (aquamarine, blue, green, mauve, teal) in a solution of Clematis, Narcissus, and White Chestnut flower essences to help ground thoughts and calm an over-stimulated mind.
The communication port located equidistant between the crown and throat chakras helps to release ideas and thoughts through communication, while the grounding port located below the base chakra allows optional access to reality, and discreet bodily functions, as required.
Mercury Retrograde Body Mittens come in several sizes. If you have a moderate-sized neurosis, just slip into our Mer-X size model, and you’ll immediately feel comforted by the warm sense of enclosure and protection the body mitten provides.
For New Age devotees crippled by more complex anxieties, say, involving both Mercurophobia and claustrophobia, you might want to consider our Mer-XL model which gives you greater freedom to thrash around inside your own little insular world.
And for co-dependent reality-denial couples, nothing says “I honor the neurotic me I see reflected in you” better than our Mer-2XL model, which features an inner partition liner (not shown) for couples who want to enjoy togetherness without actual physical contact.
Note: the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten is not suitable for children, animals or the elderly with mobility problems. It is, however, eminently suitable for breastfeeding mothers in arch-conservative environments.
The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten: when the world gets too scary for three weeks at a time, you’re safe in your own little world.
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PS… For a post-script on the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten phenomenon that has tickled the fancy of so many readers around the world, please see my subsequent post, Smitten by the Mitten.
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PPS… This was tongue-in-cheek, but such garments do exist, although I have absolutely no commercial interest in their retail. I imagine you can acquire one for yourself or a Mercury-phobic loved one by following my own chain of discovery, via Pinterest, AnOther magazine and Angela Crews E-shop Agency.
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Alan Annand is an astrologer and writer of crime fiction, including his New Age Noir series featuring astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.
Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo, Smashwords
Since Friday the 13th when I posted the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten, I’ve been gratified and horrified by the high degree of interest shown in this cocoon-like garment. Are we that scared of the world? Clearly, I touched a nerve. Do we all need shrinks? Or just a body mitten? Continue reading
Sextile 