Specimen (short crime fiction)

11 Jun

The island appeared in the distance, a smear of tan and green between the dark blue sea and the pale blue sky. It looked to be only a dozen miles in length, lying very low on the horizon as if hoping to escape notice.

Peter Flutterman in a white cotton suit and a straw hat stood on the foredeck, one hand gripping the deck railing as the boat crept up on the island. At his feet were a large suitcase, two portfolio-sized briefcases and a tubular case that looked as though it might contain a fishing rod.

*   *   *

As the boat approached the landing, a man came down to the end of the dock. He was wearing faded blue pants and a white shirt whose tails hung loose from his belt. A pith helmet sat low on his forehead. He looked to be in his mid-forties, the same age as Peter, although it was hard to judge with a full beard covering so much of his face. In any event, he looked well-preserved, unlike the typical islanders weathered by sun and wind.

The boat bumped up against the dock. A deckhand slung a rope that slithered snake-like across the dock. The bearded man picked it up and wrapped it around a capstan. As soon as the boat was secured, the deckhands formed a line and began transferring a series of boxes, barrels and bales from the hold to the dock. From the cabin, the captain waved silently to the bearded man, lighted his pipe and shook out a newspaper to read.

Peter picked up his tubular case and stepped over the gunwale. The bearded man reached out a hand to steady him as he stepped onto the dock. One of the deckhands added his suitcase and briefcases to the chain of dock-bound items.

The bearded man embraced Peter. “It’s been a long time, brother.”

“Walter? Is it really you, with a beard like a pirate?” Peter shook his head in wonder.

“And what about you, with cheeks like a baby’s bottom?” Walter touched the back of his hand to Peter’s face.

Peter tried to conceal his embarrassment. He wasn’t used to being hugged and touched, even by his long-lost twin brother. “Where’s your staff? We need help with this luggage.”

“We’ll manage all right by ourselves.” Walter picked up Peter’s two briefcases, leaving his heavy suitcase where it lay.

“I’ll need that,” Peter said.

“My staff will fetch it when they bring up the load of provisions. Let’s go up to the house and get you settled in.”

*   *   *

They walked up a footpath towards a large house framed by palm trees. Beyond the house was a quadrangle formed by long sheds. As they approached the house, a butterfly gyrated across their path. Peter dropped his case and chased it with his hat but it rose into the air and fluttered into the trees. Peter donned his hat in dismay, feeling foolish he’d been so overcome by excitement that he hadn’t extracted his butterfly net from its case.

“You needn’t have bothered,” Walter said. “You’ll see dozens more when we go into the jungle. You’ll catch them two at a time.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Of course you do. It’s the only reason you came.”

“I’d have come anyway. It’s been too long since we’ve seen each other.”

“I’ve been writing you for years. First time I mention butterflies, you decide to come.”

“Oh, let’s not start arguing. I’ve barely arrived and we’re at each other’s throats again.”

“Right. There’ll be time for that later. You’re staying the week, aren’t you?”

“Hardly any choice, is there? Given the frequency of your supply boat.”

*   *   *

After dinner, the night came upon them suddenly, like a heavy curtain at the end of a scene. They sat in rattan chairs on either side of a big sturdy table. Dirty dishes were pushed to one side. A bottle of whiskey sat on the table, a drink within each man’s reach. Through the open window, a three-quarter moon was visible. Walter smoked a hand-rolled cigarette.

“Still got that filthy habit, I see,” Peter said.

“I’ve got a lot of filthy habits.”

“Whatever your faults, you’re a decent cook. I can’t believe you made this whole meal yourself.”

“I enjoy cooking.”

“I can’t imagine doing it all the time, though. Especially not in this heat.”

“Usually I have a woman do it.”

“A woman?”

“Lovely brown-skinned thing, about 20 years old. Taiana.”

“So where is she?”

“Vanished.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“Ran off. They do that, you know. They get tired of working and they just disappear.”

“But you’re on an island. She can’t just disappear. She must be out there in the jungle somewhere.”

“She’ll be back after a week or so.”

“This happens often?”

“Once a month, with great regularity.”

Peter helped himself to more whiskey. He took a sip and cleared his throat. “I don’t know whether this is the right time or not, but I think it needs saying. I hope there’re no hard feelings between us.”

“How do you mean?”

“After the will and everything. I mean, it wasn’t my idea that Father left everything to me. You were the one who decided you couldn’t stick around to work the business.”

“Thick-headed old bugger, he would never take my advice anyway. It was like working for a dictator.” Walter stubbed his cigarette in a saucer.

“I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“No, it’s all right. I don’t hold you any grudges. I went my own way, and you stayed at home. How he disposed of the estate was his business.”

“I was afraid you’d still be bitter. To tell you the truth, I was a little worried about coming here alone.”

“I’ve found peace in what I do.”

“Hard to imagine, living out here in the middle of nowhere, in charge of forty hardened criminals.”

“It has its rewards.”

“Really? What are they?”

“You’ll see – later in the week.”

“I never really liked surprises.”

Walter nodded. “I know.”

An old clock atop a cabinet in the living room began striking twelve. Peter noticed the tones had no sustain to them, as if they were muffled slightly.

Peter yawned. “I ought to pack it in. It’s been a very long day.”

“I’ll see you to your room.”

*   *   *

They entered a small bedroom containing a single bed, a clothes dresser and a small bedside table. Walter carried a lantern, which threw barred shadows on the walls. A canopy of mosquito netting lay draped over the bed. Walter set the lantern down on the bedside table and opened the window.

“I keep the windows open for the fresh air. The drawback is the mosquitoes, but the net will protect you.”

“I’ll be fine,” Peter said.

Walter opened the drawer of the bedside table and took out a revolver. He spun the cylinder and set the gun atop the table.

“What’s that for?” Peter said.

“Snakes. Prisoners. Taiana.”

“Snakes?”

“Boa constrictors. Sometimes they come into the house, looking for mice.”

Peter scanned the corners of the room. “Prisoners?”

“This is a penal colony,” Walter reminded him.

“And Taiana?”

“This is her room.”

“Really?”

Walter went to the door. “Good night. Pleasant dreams.”

*   *   *

They sat at the breakfast table. Walter was finishing off a fairly large fish. Another fish, complete with head, lay untouched on Peter’s plate. He toyed with a piece of toast.

“No appetite?” Walter gave him a glance. “Did you sleep all right?”

“Not really. I had a nightmare.”

“Probably shouldn’t have eaten so much of that goat cheese last night.”

“A woman came into my room last night, wearing only a grass skirt.”

“Couldn’t have been Taiana. She never wears anything after midnight.”

“She sat on the edge of my bed and put her fingers on my lips,” Peter said. “She told me I was in great danger.”

“You would be, if you ever let Taiana into bed with you.”

“She told me you had gone insane.”

Walter snorted. “She’s a fine one to judge. Once every month she runs off into the bush and lives in a tree.”

“She said that, every full moon, you go insane and kill somebody.”

Walter clucked his tongue. “Quite a dream.”

“It seemed so real.”

Walter shook his head with amusement. “Look outside. That is reality. The jungle waits for us. Beautiful butterflies. What do you want to do, get out there and add them to your collection, or sit here and relive some cheesy nightmare?”

*   *   *

Peter, carrying a basket and a butterfly net, walked with Walter, who had a small rucksack slung over his shoulder. They passed through the prison compound, a square courtyard bounded on three sides by long low sheds, and on the fourth side by a wall. The doors of the sheds were closed, the windows shuttered.

“Where are all your prisoners?” Peter asked.

“They’ll be gone all week. My guards took them to the other end of the island, harvesting pineapples. I didn’t think you’d want to have them around while you’re here.”

“Still, I was curious.”

“If you really wanted, we could hike to the other end of the island to see them. But it’s fifteen miles – a full day’s journey. We’d have to camp overnight and come back the next day.”

“Sounds like an adventure.”

“Wait and see how you fare today. This might be as much adventure as you can handle.”

*   *   *

Peter followed Walter along a jungle trail. The trail was barely visible. Now and again Walter swung his machete to clear away vines and undergrowth.

“Aren’t we close yet?” Peter said. “We’ve been walking for two hours.”

“You want prize specimens, you’ve got to get off the beaten path.”

“Frankly, I can’t see a path at all.”

They emerged into a large clearing on a hillside. At the upper end of the clearing was a 20-foot cliff separating them from higher ground above. In the middle of the clearing was a huge stone head similar in size to those on Easter Island.

Peter stared in amazement. “What is that?”

“Piece of local art.”

“It looks like me, without my glasses.”

“It’s me – before I grew my beard.”

“The natives regard you as a god?”

“It was done by one of my prisoners.”

“Why’d he make you look so sinister?”

“Artistic license, I suppose. But then, the prisoner never loves his jailer.”

Walter walked to the base of the cliff, where the sun cast a deep shadow, and slung his rucksack from shoulder to ground. He stuck his machete in the ground and removed his pith helmet to wipe his face on his sleeve. Peter, still staring at the stone head, followed him into the shade.

“So this is it,” Walter said.

“What?”

“Your hunting ground. Take a look around.”

Peter set his basket down and began to walk along the perimeter, where many flowers grew. Suddenly the air was filled with a cloud of butterflies. Peter pursued them with his net, capturing several in a few swipes. He came back to where Walter was now seated on the ground, his back against the face of the cliff.

“Didn’t I tell you?” Walter said. “Two at a time.”

“This is amazing.”

Peter opened his basket and took out half a dozen small jars. One was filled with cotton, another with fluid, the rest empty. He opened the jars, took a cotton ball and dipped it into the fluid, then put the ball in an empty jar. Carefully he plucked a butterfly from the net, examined it and then put it into the jar with the cotton ball.

“Ether?” Walter guessed.

“Chloroform.”

Peter plucked another butterfly from the net, examined it and tossed it away. It fluttered away across the clearing. He plucked out another one and put it in a jar.

*   *   *

Walter sat at the base of the cliff, reading a book. A bottle protruded from the top of his open rucksack. Peter trudged in from the sun and collapsed on the ground beside him.

“Anything interesting?”

Peter caught his breath. “Three new families.”

With obvious weariness, he prepared the last three jars. He poked around in the net, mauling the undesirables, and withdrew one by one the best three specimens of the catch. He placed each in its jar and put all his jars into his basket.

“What a day!” he rejoiced.

Walter offered Peter his bottle. “Celebrate. Have a drink. You’ve earned it.”

Peter hesitated, then took the bottle and drank.

*   *   *

Walter stood in the middle of the clearing, facing the stone head. Their expressions were equally grim. Walter dropped his cigarette on the ground and crushed it under his foot. He walked to the base of the cliff, where Peter lay curled, sleeping on the ground. Walter picked up the machete. He looked down at Peter, at the carotid artery pulsing in his exposed neck. Walter ran his finger along the edge of the machete. Peter snorted in his sleep, his legs twitching. Walter moved in closer until he was standing directly over Peter.

“Peter,” he called.

Peter woke up and raised his head. He saw Walter looming over him with the machete. His face convulsed in alarm. “No!”

“Yes,” Walter said. “It’s time to go. It’ll be dark by the time we get back.”

Peter lay frozen a moment, then scrambled to his feet. He gathered up his hat, his basket and his net. “How long was I asleep?”

“An hour or so.”

“What were you doing?”

“Getting hungry. Are you ready to go?”

*   *   *

Peter sat alone at the dining table. He removed the last specimen from its jar and with a long pin mounted the butterfly with the others on a panel of his portfolio case. He sat back and admired them.

Walter came in from the kitchen, carrying a platter of meat, a bowl of vegetables and a few plates balanced on his arms like a waiter.

“Aren’t they beautiful?” Peter said.

Walter nudged the portfolio cases aside and set down their food. “Yes, but more so when they were alive.”

*   *   *

Six nights later, they sat in rattan chairs on the verandah. A pair of glasses and a bottle of whiskey occupied the small table between them. Walter smoked a cigarette. A full moon hung well above the horizon. The water was dead calm.

“I can’t believe the week’s gone already. “Peter shook his head. “Tomorrow the boat comes to take me back.”

“Pity, isn’t it? We barely got to know each other.”

“I know. We’re still awkward – like strangers.”

“And there are still so many things I don’t know about you.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know anything about your personal life.”

“I have none. I told you I never married.”

“But with no heirs, then what would happen if…?”

“Everything goes to the Royal Society.”

“Really?”

“Science is my only passion. I want to help support their research. I suppose you might think that’s unfair.”

“Not at all,” Walter shrugged. “As I said the night you arrived, I’ve made peace with my life. I don’t need your money.”

Peter squirmed a little in his seat and cast a suspicious look at Walter. He reached for the whiskey bottle and refilled his glass. Walter lighted another cigarette.

“And the business,” Walter asked, “does it take up much of your time?”

“Not really. Two foremen handle everything in the factory. An accountant takes care of the books, the bank transactions…”

“A business that runs itself,” Walter mused.

“That’s right. I have almost complete freedom to devote to my studies and researches.”

“Admirable.”

The clock in the living room began striking twelve.

“Good heavens, midnight already. No wonder I feel half dead. It’s time I retired. What about you?”

“I don’t usually go to bed until after one,” Walter said.

Peter stood. “Then I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Pleasant dreams.”

*   *   *

Peter lay snoring in bed. The door opened softly and Walter entered with a jar in one hand and a small towel in the other. He sat gingerly on the edge of Peter’s bed and parted the mosquito netting. He opened the jar and poured some liquid onto the towel. Averting his face, he gently placed the cloth against Peter’s nose and mouth. Peter snorted and raised a hand. Abruptly his hand fell back down to the bed and he heaved a deep sigh. Walter remained motionless at his side, the towel still on Peter’s face.

When Peter awoke, he discovered himself bound by wrists and ankles to a wooden frame propped against the wall of a shed. His surroundings were dimly lit by a lantern hung from a beam. Peter looked around and saw the vague outlines of several large whitish objects propped against the opposite wall. He sniffed the air and made a disgusted face. He struggled against his bonds but couldn’t budge.

Succumbing to panic, he screamed, “Walter! Help!”

Another lantern approached from the far end of the shed. It was Walter, with one hand behind his back. He hung the lantern on another beam. Peter looked beyond Walter and now, in the improved light, saw the lime-caked hulks of several dead men on wooden frames propped against the wall opposite, each with a wooden stake in his chest.

Peter fought to find a voice in his dry mouth. “Walter. Those men…”

“My prisoners, my specimens… As are you.”

Walter brought his hand from behind his back, revealing a heavy mallet and a wooden stake. He took the stake in his free hand and placed its sharpened tip against Peter’s chest. He raised the mallet over his head.

Peter screamed to no avail. “Please, no…”

*   *   *

Walter shaved off his beard and rinsed the soap from his face. He toweled himself dry and ran his hands over his smooth cheeks. He picked Peter’s glasses off the sideboard and put them on. He regarded himself in the mirror. Lovely. He looked just like Peter.

*   *   *

Walter stood on the dock, wearing Peter’s white cotton suit and straw hat. The supply boat bumped up alongside the dock. The deckhands unloaded a couple of crates and carried Peter’s suitcase, portfolio cases and net case aboard. Walter stepped onto the boat.

“Good morning, sir,” the captain greeted him.

“And to you, Captain.”

Have a good vacation?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Your brother’s not here to see you off?”

“He’s busy at the moment, tracking down an escaped prisoner. But we said our goodbyes already.”

“Right, then. Let’s be on our way.” The captain called to his deckhands. “Cast off, there.”

Walter strolled back to the stern as the boat pulled away from the dock. He stood there a long while, looking back as the island slowly receded in the distance. He picked up one of the portfolio cases, placed it on a deck hatch and opened it. Dozens of pinned butterflies lay arrayed in neat order within the case. He pulled the pin from a butterfly and placed it in the palm of his hand. He tossed it up into the breeze and watched as it appeared to flutter away towards the distant island. He pulled the pin from another butterfly and did the same. And another, and another, as the distant island sank into the horizon.

– The End ‑

If you liked this short story, try one of Alan Annand’s novels:

SCORPIO RISING 

Kindle: www.amazon.com/Scorpio-Rising-ebook/dp/B0050IOY6I

All other formats: www.smashwords.com/books/view/59231

HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT 

Kindle: www.amazon.com/Hide-in-Plain-Sight-ebook/dp/B0050K1EZA

All other formats: www.smashwords.com/books/view/59291

HARM’S WAY

Kindle: www.amazon.com/Harms-Way-ebook/dp/B005LVXIA2

All other formats: www.smashwords.com/books/view/86740

Word cloud: Scorpio Rising

8 Jun

Somebody I follow on Twitter turned me on to this cool site  (www.wordle.net). You can enter a batch of words from the “word cloud” that describes whatever your latest opus is all about, and Wordle will render it as a cool text graphic. Wordle does this by scrambling your text at random and then throwing it up on the screen in just one of many possible layouts, plus random font and color choices. But that’s just for an appetizer. If you think you can improve on random creativity (and who do you think you are — God?) you can choose your own configuration, font and color, and still get a playfully random mix in the end.

This featured graphic was made by using just a few of the words that help describe my novel Scorpio Rising, in which a private investigator uses astrology, palmistry and omens to solve a three-way murder conspiracy. You can find it on Amazon, Smashwords and other online retailers.

ebook launch: SCORPIO RISING

24 May

As some of you know, I also play a “public” role as a Vedic astrologer and palmist. But as a great reader (and writer) of mystery fiction, I’ve often wondered what might have happened if my teacher (Hart deFouw) had been inclined to pursue criminology. How would he have used his knowledge of astrology, palmistry, numerology and omens to find missing people, retrieve stolen objects, or solve crimes?

This novel is my answer to that question. And it’s an ebook because…

Before this year, I’d written articles on astrology and palmistry, had a couple of animation scripts produced, and published five novels under pseudonyms.

Although I’d always planned to keep on getting books published in the traditional way, in the last couple of years, technology has been rapidly transforming (ie, crushing) the conventional book business.

I’ve seen the writing on the wall. The paper book is dying, and ebooks are filling the void at a much lower cost to consumers. Therefore, I have joined the revolution.

Two of my novels are now available immediately in all of the formats used in the most popular ereading devices – Amazon’s Kindle, the Apple iPad, the Barnes & Noble Nook, the Sony Reader and others.

By summer’s end, I’ll re-issue another three novels previously published under pseudonyms. Other original works will follow, including a “New Age noir” series of which Scorpio Rising is the first installment starring my astrologer/palmist hero.

Scorpio Rising

An astrologer investigates the killing of a New York City heiress, only to discover that her death is linked to two other murders on the same day: a dot-com millionaire in San Francisco, and the team leader of a government counter-terrorist project in Los Alamos, New Mexico.

To sample or purchase Scorpio Rising for the Kindle, go to Amazon: www.amazon.com/Scorpio-Rising-ebook/dp/B0050IOY6I

For all other ereader formats, go to Smashwords: www.smashwords.com/books/view/59231

 Only $2.99

To follow my astrological activities, visit www.navamsa.com. You can also befriend me on Facebook, connect with me on LinkedIn, or follow me on Twitter. My writing site is still www.sextile.com

How to Sing the Blues, by ToneDeaf Avocado Annand (humor)

22 Apr

I wish I could say I wrote this amusing “Blues tutorial” myself but I didn’t. I got it one day last year via email from a friend, in an attachment that looked like a piece of parchment signed by “S.B.” So that’s who deserves the real credit, because clearly “S.B.” understands the blues.

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Havin’ hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg ‘cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: (a) highway, (b) jailhouse, (c) empty bed, (d) bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places: (a) ashrams, (b) gallery openings, (c) Ivy League institutions, (d) golf courses.

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, you do if: (a) you’re older than dirt, (b) you’re blind, (c) you shot a man in Memphis, (d) you can’t be satisfied. But you ain’t got the right to sing the blues if: (a) you have all your teeth, (b) you were once blind but now can see, (c) the man in Memphis lived, (d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) wine, (b) whiskey or bourbon, (c) muddy water, (d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) mixed drinks, (b) kosher wine, (c) Snapple, (d) sparkling water.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie, (b) Big Mama, (c) Bessie, (d) Fat River Dumpling.

17. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe, (b) Willie, (c) Little Willie, (d) Big Willie.

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
(a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
(b) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
(c) last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)

20. I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don’t care.

20 Random Things About Me (autobiographical)

11 Apr

This was an idea that first got circulated on Facebook. The rules were simple — once tagged by a “friend” who wanted to know more about me, I was supposed to write a note with at least a dozen random things, facts, habits, or goals about myself. As usual, I got a bit carried away with it all and ended up writing 20 “facts”. It was a lot of fun writing, so now it’s time to share:

 1. I believe in reincarnation. Based on dozens and dozens of dreams logged during my university years, last time out, I believe I was a German soldier who died on the Russian Front in WW2.

2. People have told me my family name is common in Syria and India, but it’s actually Scottish. Story has it, my ancestors were booted out of Scotland because they used to sneak across the border at night and do nasty things to the King’s sheep. We’re so baaaaaaad.

3. In my teens, I was scared to death of girls. Thankfully, I got over that, and now I prefer the company of women because of the unique qualities they offer – passion, honesty, humor and curves.

4. To put myself through university I worked in the mining industry, where I was exposed to high concentrations of lead, copper, zinc, and radon gas. To make it worse, I listened to a lot of heavy metal. On a full moon, I glow in the dark.

5. I love nuts. Put a bowl of any kind in front of me and I’ll eat them all. Immediately. No sharing.

6. I have a thing with my inner ear that makes me nauseous if I spend even a few minutes on a rocking chair, a garden swing, or a boat. Don’t rock me, baby, or I’ll hurl.

7. I believe there are only two kinds of beer fit to drink – in the summer, Weisz (white) beer and for all seasons, British and Irish dark ales.

8. I love red. I’ve had red glasses, shoes, underwear, shirts, jackets, guitars and cars. No red pants yet, but I’m keeping my eye out.

9. I can eat almost anything. Indigestion is not in my vocabulary. Unless you count one night in Greece where I had a squid in its own ink, a bottle of retsina, a pack of menthol cigarettes, a chocolate bar, and a few shots of ouzo.

10. I like pseudonyms. In university I published a lot of poetry under the name Boris. In the 80s I wrote four trashy novels as Alan Marks, and in the 90s, a mystery as Aleister Foxx. I occasionally receive mail addressed to Occupant.

11. I’ve had three scary close encounters with wildlife – a bear and a wolf in the Northwest Territories, and a komodo dragon in Thailand.

12. I’ve had two near-death experiences – once in a mining accident where a co-worker was crushed to death, and another in a robbery where the perp put a bullet into the wall just inches over my head.

13. My favorite guitarists are Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Keith Richards and Stevie Ray Vaughn.

14. After an hour of playing bass guitar, my fingers get so hot that women don’t like me to touch them because it’s just too sexually exciting.

15. I’ve been playing James Brown for 30 years and I still can’t take him to the bridge.

16. I like complex people. If you’re a little crazy, have a dark family history and complicated relationships, and are trying to succeed with more than three professional ambitions, I want to be your friend.

17. I can’t go to sleep until I read something for at least a few minutes. Unless it’s a woman with Braille tattoos.

18. Astrology has illuminated my life for over 30 years, first as an intellectual pursuit, but more and more, as a spiritual calling.

19. I’m a typical Aries – aggressive, arrogant, brainy, brash, competitive, crude, restless, and reckless. You got a problem with that?

20. Although life sometimes seems a bit of a struggle, I consider myself blessed – I have a wonderful family, an angel for a wife, and a guru. It’s like winning the trifecta!

I have a big thing for Kristen Wiig!

10 Apr

Okay, I’m going public with my love for Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live. No, just kidding, I don’t love her, just her kooky characters.

Seriously, I love her eyes, her bipolar mouth, her legs, her everything. No, just kidding, I can’t love her because I’m so married.

Seriously, I’ve Googled every image and shred of information about Kristen, and I’m building a shrine to her in a corner of my bedroom. No, just kidding, it’s not a corner, it’s the whole bedroom, and I’ve moved my wife to the garage to make room for Kristen. No, just kidding, I’m the one who lives in the garage because of my KW-love-obsession.

Seriously, I love every role she plays. No, just kidding, that one with the sonar forehead and the tiny baby hands is sick. So sick I love her love her love her.

Seriously, I need help. Kristen, baby, come to Toronto, I have a small garage and a big heart, we can make out on the sleeping bag between the lawnmower and the bicycles. No, just kidding, you have SNL money, we can afford a hotel room.

No, just kidding, I can’t really leave the garage because my wife will set fire to my KW-love-shrine. Seriously, I have a Wiig obsession of mythic proportions.

No, just kidding, everything about me is proportionate . . . except when I think of her, and then some things do get out of hand. Seriously.

Great Expectorations, by Dr. Charles Dickens (humor)

30 Mar

A young man of no prospects goes to the big City where, thanks to poor urban planning and non-existent labor rights, he suffers a multitude of bronchial infections brought on by smoke, pollution, fungus and virus.

Pip, an orphan of poor prospects, can’t complete his apprenticeship in a blacksmith shop because of an allergy to horseshit. His patron uncle sends him to London to live with the reclusive Miss Havisham who, jilted many years ago on her wedding day, still wears her bridal gown. Her wedding cake, which she’s saved all these years, has turned to mould and infected the entire house.

Pip falls in love with Estella, a beautiful young girl with a phlegmy cough. Pip has a nasty reaction to the fungus in the house and develops a bronchial infection whose coughing nearly turns his lungs inside out. Miss Havisham takes an interest in Pip’s future and introduces him to better society. In their company, Pip takes up smoking, which further aggravates his cough. Some of his newfound friends take to calling him “Spit”. When his sister dies of coal cough, a common ailment among residents of poorly-ventilated homes, Pip goes home for her funeral.

Returning to London, he’s approached by the convict Magwitch whom he’d helped escape from chains many years ago. Magwitch, who’s made a fortune running an opium den in Australia, is back in England seeking medical attention for viral pneumonia, but wants to bequeath part of his fortune to Pip. Soon after, Pip learns that Miss Havisham has been secretly planning to marry his beloved Estella off to a rival suitor, and they quarrel bitterly. Miss Havisham’s dress catches on fire and Pip is only able to save her by ripping her dress off. Exposed, Miss Havisham is traumatized and falls into a catatonic state. Magwitch is captured by the police and sentenced to die.

While visiting him in his damp prison cell, Pip develops an allergic reaction to moldy rodent droppings, and falls seriously ill. He spends a month in hospital, wracked by violent coughs, filling spittoons with fragments of his ravaged lungs. When he recovers enough to travel, Pip relocates to the dry climate of Cairo for eleven years. When he returns to London a rich man, he finds Estella now a widow with a mild case of whooping cough, and he rekindles their friendship by gifting her with a family-size bottle of expectorant.

Rosie Was a Good Old Dog (short fiction)

28 Mar

Is there anything more exciting for a fiction writer than the first story for which he got paid? I won’t embarass myself by saying when this appeared, or how little money I received for it, but I will tell you this — it was published by The Fiddlehead, a literary magazine at the University of New Brunswick where I was briefly a grad student, and no dogs were harmed in the writing of this story.

Years later, a book reviewer for the Sri Lankan Sunday Observer wrote an article called “Reality and symbolism in the South Asian Canadian short story” , and because my family name (actually Scottish) looks very much like a common Indian name (Anand), my story got included in the essay. Here’s what the reviewer had to say about it:

If this is authentic North American idiom, matching well with the characters, in Annand we find the most native-like use of language, but, of course, in the mouths of native-born characters. Thus we find in “Rosie Was a Good Old Dog,” for example, Tom Banner “dunking” Garold in the river, and then “yanking” him out—expressive vocabulary usage. Authentic grammatical forms of the average Canadian—“Ain’t nothin’,” “since the other kids growed up and took off,” “the pups is comin’ along real fine,” expressions such as “real fine,” “what the livin’ Judas is makin’ that?” and spoken abbreviations such as “There’ll be more’n two or three pups” and “C’mere, lad”—are not wanting either.

Anyway, now that we know I’m right up there with Ernest Hemingway and Richard Price with a finely-tuned ear for Maritime dialogue, read on and judge for yourself.

 * * * *

Rosie Was a Good Old Dog

“Daddy, Tom Banner’s dunking Garold in the river again!” Nancy stood breathless in the kitchen, her face pink with cold and excitement.

“Alright, I’ll go and stop him.” Earl pulled on his coat and boots. “But you stay here.”

“Ah, Daddy,” she complained, stamping her foot.

“You mind, young lady, or I’ll tan your fanny.” He closed the door behind him and ran along the beaten trail through the apple orchard to the river.

“You crazy fool, you’ll drown that boy!” he shouted, running up to the man on the ice.

“You mind your business, Earl.” Tom brandished his axe. Beside the three-foot-diameter hole he had chopped in the ice was a large gunny sack from which protruded the head of a young boy. “Now you stand back there, Earl, or I’ll wedge your ears apart. This here’s my own boy and I know what’s good for him.”

He grabbed his son by the hair and tried to pull him out of the bag but the boy shook his head and clung grimly to the burlap he had twisted about his shoulders. Tom drove his axe into the ice and used his free hand to pull the bag open. He yanked the boy out, clad only in a pair of long flannel underwear, and pulled him towards the hole. The boy resisted silently, straddling the hole with his legs.

Earl grabbed Tom by the collar; the other turned and clipped him under the chin with an elbow. Earl sat down heavily on the ice.

Tom kicked the boy’s feet from under him, forced his legs together and slid him into the hole. Garold’s eyes bugged wide, his mouth working soundlessly as the icy water came up to his armpits. Tom squatted by the hole and held onto one of his hands, watching the boy’s face as it turned from white to a pale shade of blue, teeth chattering violently. He pulled a plug of tobacco from his shirt pocket and took a bite from it.

“Want a chew?” he offered to Earl, still sitting on the ice with ears ringing. The gesture shook him from his stupor.

“No, I don’t.” He jumped to his feet. “Tom, you pull that boy out of there before he freezes to death.”

“Don’t be silly, Earl. Garold just loves the water, don’t you, boy.” Garold tried to crawl out of the hole.

“I suppose you’ve had enough swimmin’ for one day, though.” He grabbed the boy’s hands and jerked him out onto the ice. Garold crawled into the bag. Tom slung it over his shoulder and started off toward his house. “Grab my axe there, Earl, and c’mon up to the house. We’ll have a cup o’ tea.”

Earl picked up the axe and followed Tom up to the house. He closed the kitchen door behind him and took off his boots, setting the axe down in the woodbox beside the stove. A mangy mongrel bitch lay sprawled under the kitchen table, her belly and teats swollen.

“Tom, that boy’s going to catch pneumonia.”

“Sit tight, Earl.” Tom threw open the oven door and pulled out the trays. “C’mon Garold, hop in there smart now and we’ll warm you up.” Garold climbed into the oven and Tom closed the door on him. He kicked the bag under the table and threw a stick into the stove.

“Tom…”

“Now you shut up, Earl, or I’ll throw you out in the snow in your sock feet. Old Garold’s been sittin’ around here real dopey for the past couple of days. He gets like that every once in a while and then I take him out for a little dip and he’s right as rain. I know what I’m doin’. Lord knows I wouldn’t hurt the boy.”

Earl sat on his hands and watched the oven door.

“Mandy!” Tom hollered, “c’mon out here and fix us a pot o’ tea. Earl’s come over for a visit.” He pulled a chair out from the table and tugged off his boots.

Tom’s wife, a large-breasted woman, appeared at the door in an old print dress and knitted, wool slippers. She nodded in acknowledgement to Earl, then pumped some water and set the teapot on to boil.

“Where’s Garold, Tom? Is he out in the barn?”

A couple of knocks came from the oven door.

“Oh Tom!” Mandy said, standing still in the middle of the floor, wringing her hands in her apron.

“He must be just about done now.” Tom got up and opened the door to peek in at Garold. “You’re not burnin’ are you, lad?” He picked up a stick of wood from the box and wedged it in the door so that Garold could look out into the kitchen.

“Don’t just stand there, old woman,” Tom said. “Where’s them biscuits you baked this morning?”

Mandy set cups and saucers on the linoleum tablecloth and brought butter and a tin of biscuits from the pantry. As she bent over the table to remove a pair of working gloves from the geranium plant on the windowsill, Tom gave her a loud smack on the bottom with his hand. Mandy flushed scarlet and left the room.

“Heh heh, that old girl o’ mine is sure built like a brick shithouse, eh Earl? I’ll bet you wonder what a strappin’ big woman like that could see in a scrawny little bugger like myself.”

Earl wondered in silence.

“Well, I’ll tell you, Earl, we may be gettin’ on in years, but we still know how to make that bed creak. We’ve had twelve young ones now, countin’ the latest.” He brought the teapot to the table and poured out a cup. “You’ve seen the little rascal, eh? I don’t know, he don’t look too good to me.” He spat in the flowerpot. “But since the other kids growed up and took off, I kinda wanted to have some more little fellers runnin’ around the place. Trouble is, when you make as many as we have, one of ’em’s bound to spoil.” He nodded towards the stove. “I just hope the last little feller don’t turn out like Garold.”

Earl poured himself a cup of tea and buttered another biscuit.

“Hey there, Rosie,” Tom said, reaching under the table for the dog, “c’mon up here and have a biscuit.” He grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and lifted her into his lap. “By jeez, I love this old bitch.” He tweaked one of her nipples and she growled softly. “I got her when she was just a pup, before we had old Garold there.” He popped a biscuit into her mouth and caught the soggy crumbs as she chewed on it. “This’ll be her eighth litter, but it don’t look like there’ll be more’n two or three pups. Jeez, I hope they turn out okay — it’ll help liven up the house. The old girl’s just about had it.” He gave her another biscuit and a kiss on the snout, then spilled some tea into a saucer for her to lap up. “Yep, she was a good old huntin’ dog in her prime — brought home quite a few ducks for the dinner table.” He scratched her head. “Couple of Ralph Cotter’s chickens, too,” he chuckled.

“Tom, that oven must be pretty hot.”

“Yep, I reckon he’s dry by now. Hey there, Garold, c’mon out now.”

The oven door pushed open and Garold, apparently none the worse for his ordeal, crawled out onto the floor.

“C’mere, lad.”

Garold went to his father who felt his underwear. “There now, you’re all dry and warm now, eh?” He tugged open the buttons at the boy’s fly and grabbed his penis. “Look at that. Earl, he’s gonna be a big little man just like his old dad.” He tousled Garold’s hair and shoved him under the table. Garold curled up on the burlap bag and made a humming noise. “You see, Earl, he’s just fine now. Here you go, lad, have a biscuit.” He threw one on the floor and Garold grabbed it up and ate it.

Earl got up and put his boots on.

“Where you goin’, Earl? You haven’t finished your tea!”

 * * * *

“We’ve got to do something, Susan,” Earl confided to his wife as he helped her clear the supper table, “or Tom’s going to kill that boy with those notions of his. I think I should speak to Sheriff Maclean.”

“If Tom found out you’d done that, Earl, there’s no telling what he’d do.”

“But he’s dunked that boy in the river twice this winter!”

“Well, spring’s just around the corner.”

“That’s not very funny, Susan,” he admonished with a severe look.

“I’m sorry, Earl. Anyway, I think Garold’s beyond sympathy. Mandy’s the one I think of. How was she? Did you see the baby?”

“No, I didn’t see the baby, and Mandy looks the same as she has for the past ten years.”

“That poor woman, she’s too old for that sort of thing! It’s a wonder she’s not flat on her back.”

“That’s the way it always starts, isn’t it?”

Now it was Susan’s turn to give him a wicked look. He left her with the dishes and went off to the sitting room to look for his pipe.

 * * * *

“Daddy!” Nancy came running into the barn where Earl was putting up a new pen for the chickens. “Tom’s going to bury Garold! He’s got him in a bag again and he’s digging a hole out behind the barn.”

Earl groaned. What wouldn’t that man think of next, he wondered, to torture that boy? He took his hammer with him and strode resolutely across the field to Banner’s. The snow had all melted and the ground had turned to mud.

“Howdy, Earl,” Tom said, pulling the gunny sack towards the hole he had dug near the manure pile.

“Now you just hold it, Banner.” Earl shook the hammer in Tom’s face. “You’ll suffocate that boy sure as hell if you bury him. I’m not going to stand by and watch you commit murder — no matter how much good you think you’re doing him.” He gave Tom a shove backwards and ripped the twine off the end of the bag.

He threw it open and the stench of the dead dog inside hit him full in the face. It was Rosie. He twisted the bag shut and stepped back.

“Now d’you mind, Earl, if I bury an old friend?” Tom lowered the sack into the hole and shoveled the excavated dirt onto it. “Best darn old hound I ever had,” he mumbled, his cheeks wet with tears.

Earl stood aside sheepishly, toying with the hammer. Garold came loping around the corner of the barn, slapping his haunches and bobbing his head. When he saw Earl, he pulled up short and galloped the other way.

“C’mon in and have a cup o’ tea, Earl.” Tom took his arm. “You haven’t seen the pups, eh? Old Rosie whelped just last week — we got two. She passed away the day after but I been kinda slow puttin’ her under the sod.” He sniffled. “Jeez, she was a good old dog. But goddamn,” he said, brightening considerably, “the pups is comin’ along real fine!”

They walked through the woodshed to the kitchen. Garold leaped out from under the kitchen table and Tom gave him a cuff on the ear. “Get on outside, Garold.” The door slammed shut as the boy made his exit. Tom put the teapot on the stove and, with a finger to his lips, beckoned Earl to follow him into the hall.

Earl took his boots off and tiptoed down to the sitting room. Mandy sat in a rocking chair looking out the window, her back to the door. Beside her was an old wicker bassinet with a red-faced baby wrapped tightly in its blankets.

Tom pushed the bassinet aside and, grabbing the chair posts, wheeled Mandy about to face Earl. Her dress was unbuttoned and in her cradled arms lay two sleek brown pups suckling at her pendulous breasts. She blushed violently and tried to turn away to cover herself but Tom knelt beside the chair and caught her hands in his.

“Ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of, old girl,” he said, scratching one pup’s head. “Ain’t they prime. Earl?”

“They look real good, Tom.”

“By jeez, I bet they’ll be good huntin’ dogs too, just like their ma. Tell you what, Earl — I’m going to give you one.”

“No thanks.”

“What? Here now, take a feel of this feller.” He grabbed Earl’s hand and shoved it beneath one pup’s belly.

“He’s a nice pup,” Earl said, his thumb pressed against Mandy’s breast. She offered him a shy smile and he felt his ears take fire. He pulled his hand free.

Tom stood up. “Well, tea must be boilin’. ‘D you like a cup, Mandy?”

She nodded yes and he gave her breast a squeeze.

Earl and Tom went into the kitchen. Garold was sitting on a gunny sack under the table.

“By jeez, there’s one hell of a stink in here,” Tom swore. “What the livin’ Judas is makin’ that? And you, you little bugger, I told you to stay outside. ‘D you track all that mud over the floor?”

Garold jumped up from beneath the table and, grinning from ear to ear, held open the gunny sack.

“What the hell’s this?” Tom snatched the sack away and swung a kick at the seat of the boy’s pants.

Garold jumped aside and opened the oven. A cloud of acrid smoke rose to the ceiling and Rosie’s head flopped out onto the door. Garold knelt to run his hands over the dog’s matted coat and, smiling up at his father, grabbed Rosie by the scruff of the neck and shook her.

~ The End ~