Original ecard by Alan Annand, writer and astrologer.
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JUSTIN BEAVER RUNS ROADBLOCK
Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten
13 Jun
Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten!
Feeling wobbly, forgetful, and introverted during this Mercury retrograde cycle? This can be a great time for renewal and self-reflection. The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten (TM) is designed specifically to contain and counteract the powerful negative mental and energetic effects of Mercury retrograde.
Each body mitten is hand-knitted by celibate Virgos using hypo-allergenic squirrel wool inter-woven with strands of unicorn hair that were marinated in lavender oil infused with emerald powder. This energetic matrix provides a comfortable and fashionable garment to create an aware and stable personal environment before, during, and after Mercury retrograde.
Production of our body mittens follows a strict process of spiritual guidance, prayer, and attunement to the planet. After knitting, garments are dyed a limited range of peaceful colors (aquamarine, blue, green, mauve, teal) in a solution of Clematis, Narcissus, and White Chestnut flower essences to help ground thoughts and calm an over-stimulated mind.
The communication port located equidistant between the crown and throat chakras helps to release ideas and thoughts through communication, while the grounding port located below the base chakra allows optional access to reality, and discreet bodily functions, as required.
Mercury Retrograde Body Mittens come in several sizes. If you have a moderate-sized neurosis, just slip into our Mer-X size model, and you’ll immediately feel comforted by the warm sense of enclosure and protection the body mitten provides.
For New Age devotees crippled by more complex anxieties, say, involving both Mercurophobia and claustrophobia, you might want to consider our Mer-XL model which gives you greater freedom to thrash around inside your own little insular world.
And for co-dependent reality-denial couples, nothing says “I honor the neurotic me I see reflected in you” better than our Mer-2XL model, which features an inner partition liner (not shown) for couples who want to enjoy togetherness without actual physical contact.
Note: the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten is not suitable for children, animals or the elderly with mobility problems. It is, however, eminently suitable for breastfeeding mothers in arch-conservative environments.
The Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten: when the world gets too scary for three weeks at a time, you’re safe in your own little world.
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PS… For a post-script on the Mercury Retrograde Body Mitten phenomenon that has tickled the fancy of so many readers around the world, please see my subsequent post, Smitten by the Mitten.
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PPS… This was tongue-in-cheek, but such garments do exist, although I have absolutely no commercial interest in their retail. I imagine you can acquire one for yourself or a Mercury-phobic loved one by following my own chain of discovery, via Pinterest, AnOther magazine and Angela Crews E-shop Agency.
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© Sextile: It might not be true, but you heard it here first.
Alan Annand is an astrologer and author of several crime novels and three astrology books. His New Age Noir series features astrologer and palmist Axel Crowe, a criminal profiler with a horoscope.
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Justin Beaver behaving badly…
3 May
JUSTIN BEAVER RUNS ROADBLOCK
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After failing to submit to a roadside breathalyzer test while on tour in Atlantic Canada, Justin Beaver fled his vehicle and led local police on a wild chase through the side streets and backyards of Miramichi, NB, a normally sedate provincial town. Police finally lured Beaver into a trap baited with Gomez honey and a mirror, after which he was sedated and caged and shipped via overnight FedEx back to LA. You’re welcome.
It might not be true but you heard it here first.
SEXTILE
Thanks to the CBC for inspiration:
Rupert Murdoch (b. Mar 11): “Big will not beat small anymore…”
11 Mar
“The world is changing very fast. Big will not beat small anymore. It will be the fast beating the slow.”
~ Rupert Murdoch, b. 11 March 1931
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/39406565463809864/
Kanada über alles!
8 Jun
So Canada’s gone and done it again. This closet nation of only 34 million moderately-socialist quietly-unassuming people has stolen the world stage once more.
Not like they haven’t done it before, with TV actors William Shatner and Pamela Sue Anderson. Boldly going where no man has gone before, with a rack of Olympian proportions…
Music awards across the category spectrum – Neil Young, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, Leonard Cohen, Céline Dion, Justin Bieber, Avril Lavigne and Michael Bublé. Hitting the high notes in hard rock, alternative, country, pop and jazz …
Comedians, actors and directors: Jim Carrey, Donald Sutherland and James Cameron. Thinkers and writers: Marshall McLuhan and Margaret Atwood.
Let’s not even talk hockey players. Wayne Gretzky and his Canuck cousins have always owned the ice. They shoot, they score… endlessly…
So what is it with this bedroom community of America, this frozen backyard of moose people? They’ve already taken top awards for everything worth doing on earth. Couldn’t they have left space alone?
This past season, it was like some cheap B-grade series smoked up to fill a slot on the Space channel. Oddities in Orbit. Next thing you know there’s Chris Hadfield, whom nobody knew from a quasar, suddenly all over the internet, playing guitar in space, twittering and hosting videos, getting kids excited about astrophysics, for god’s sake!
Chris Hadfield, Canadian über-astronaut
Why did he have to be Canadian? Are they so good they can have anything they want, so long as it doesn’t require the world’s biggest military-industrial complex and a debt so deep you could drop a trillion into it and wait all day without hearing the thud at the bottom?
Where does he get off being so damned clever, singing David Bowie’s Space Oddity as his swan song before coming back down to Earth? With the nerve to change the lyrics from depressing to uplifting… Does he have a real Indian guru for a life coach or what?
Anyway, it’s just really sad that Canada keeps churning out interesting and intelligent people who seem to have a real heart under that winter coat they wear most of the year. If they’re so smart, why don’t they rule the world?
Alan Annand is an astrologer, a writer of mystery thrillers and a quietly-proud Canadian.
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New Year’s Ablutions
1 Jan
The morning after the night before:
1. Lubricate eyes, 2. Brush teeth, 3. Scrape tongue, 4. Drink water
Note: No aspirin required
…probably because all I had to drink last night was a small bottle of champagne shared with my wife. It’s the new virtuous me. How long can this last?
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