Blues Tutorial #10:
Good places for the blues: (a) highway, (b) jailhouse, (c) empty bed, (d) bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places: (a) ashrams, (b) gallery openings, (c) Ivy League institutions, (d) golf courses.
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Blues Tutorial #9:
You can’t have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Blues Tutorial #8:
A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ‘cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
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Blues Tutorial #7:
Blues can take place in New York but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Havin’ hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis & Kansas City still the best places to have the blues. You can’t have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
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Blues Tutorial #6:
Teenagers can’t sing the blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
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Blues Tutorial #5:
Blues cars are Chevys, Cadillacs & broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most blues take a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft & state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
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Blues Tutorial #4:
The blues are not about choice.
You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.
Blues Tutorial #3.
The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of:
“Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”
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Blues Tutorial #2:
“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
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For those who want to learn how to sing the blues, this series will get you lowdown and dirty in less time than it takes to digest a meal of leftover tacos and cheap red wine.
Blues Tutorial #1:
Most blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
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Sextile 