Ever since the runaway success of Fifty Shades of Grey, reading glasses the world over have been fogging up with heavy breathing. Publishers, having taken the pulse of this phenomenon and found it throbbing, are now trolling through their backlists, looking for something salacious to satisfy the public’s new appetite for literary erotica.
Lacking fresh product to satisfy growing demand, book marketers are now desperate to put new lipstick on old tarts. A major search portal and a men’s magazine are rumored to have joined forces, and are buying up the rights to hundreds of literary classics. After tweaking the titles, a small army of hacks will then refurbish the story lines with just enough romance and raunchy sex to make readers come back for more.
Expect to see some of these titillating titles appearing as stocking-stuffers for mommies everywhere this Xmas:
- A Massage in India ~ E.M. Forster
- A Whore’s House ~ Heinrik Ibsen
- Alice’s Adventures in Wonderlust ~ Lewis Carroll
- All the King’s Women ~ Robert Penn Warren
- As I Lay Coming ~ William Faulkner
- Briefing for a Descent into Her ~ Doris Lessing
- Chiquita ~ Vladimir Nabokov
- Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
- Fagtime ~ E.L. Doctorow
- Girl Farm ~ George Orwell
- Hot Little Women ~ Louisa May Alcott
- I, Priapus ~ Robert Graves
- In Search of Lust Time ~ Marcel Proust
- King Leer ~ William Shakespeare
- Lady Oral ~ Margaret Atwood
- Midnight’s Chicken ~ Salman Rushdie
- Native Bastard ~ Richard Wright
- Necromancer ~ William Gibson
- Never Let Me Come ~ Kazuo Ishiguro
- Obsession ~ A.S. Byatt
- On the Broad ~ Jack Kerouac
- Play Her As She Lays ~ Joan Didion
- Sluthouse Five ~ Kurt Vonnegut
- Something Wanton This Way Comes ~ Ray Bradbury
- Son and Lover ~ D.H. Lawrence
- The Executioner’s Thong ~ Norman Mailer
- The French Lieutenant’s Boy ~ John Fowles
- The Lord Of The Cock Rings ~ J. R. R. Tolkien
- The Penis is A Lonely Hunter ~ Carson McCullers
- The Portrait of a Ladyboy ~ Henry James
- The Pot-Weed Factor ~ John Barth
- The Sex Adventures of Augie March ~ Saul Bellow
- The Sex Tourist’s Guide to the Galaxy ~ Douglas Adams
- The Way of All Flesh ~ Samuel Butler
- The Way We Love Now ~ Anthony Trollope
- Uranus is a Harsh Mistress ~ Robert Heinlein
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