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Justin Bieber: Everybody’s Got Something to Spank Except Me and My Monkey
9 Jun
BREAKING NEWS:
A guy who knows a gal who sleeps with a guy in Justin Bieber’s band has leaked the news that on his next album release, Justin will include a cover of the Beatles song from the White Album: Everybody’s Got Something to Spank Except Me and My Monkey.
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News flash courtesy of Sextile News Network: It might not be true, but you heard it here first.
Kanada über alles!
8 Jun
So Canada’s gone and done it again. This closet nation of only 34 million moderately-socialist quietly-unassuming people has stolen the world stage once more.
Not like they haven’t done it before, with TV actors William Shatner and Pamela Sue Anderson. Boldly going where no man has gone before, with a rack of Olympian proportions…
Music awards across the category spectrum – Neil Young, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, Leonard Cohen, Céline Dion, Justin Bieber, Avril Lavigne and Michael Bublé. Hitting the high notes in hard rock, alternative, country, pop and jazz …
Comedians, actors and directors: Jim Carrey, Donald Sutherland and James Cameron. Thinkers and writers: Marshall McLuhan and Margaret Atwood.
Let’s not even talk hockey players. Wayne Gretzky and his Canuck cousins have always owned the ice. They shoot, they score… endlessly…
So what is it with this bedroom community of America, this frozen backyard of moose people? They’ve already taken top awards for everything worth doing on earth. Couldn’t they have left space alone?
This past season, it was like some cheap B-grade series smoked up to fill a slot on the Space channel. Oddities in Orbit. Next thing you know there’s Chris Hadfield, whom nobody knew from a quasar, suddenly all over the internet, playing guitar in space, twittering and hosting videos, getting kids excited about astrophysics, for god’s sake!
Chris Hadfield, Canadian über-astronaut
Why did he have to be Canadian? Are they so good they can have anything they want, so long as it doesn’t require the world’s biggest military-industrial complex and a debt so deep you could drop a trillion into it and wait all day without hearing the thud at the bottom?
Where does he get off being so damned clever, singing David Bowie’s Space Oddity as his swan song before coming back down to Earth? With the nerve to change the lyrics from depressing to uplifting… Does he have a real Indian guru for a life coach or what?
Anyway, it’s just really sad that Canada keeps churning out interesting and intelligent people who seem to have a real heart under that winter coat they wear most of the year. If they’re so smart, why don’t they rule the world?
Alan Annand is an astrologer, a writer of mystery thrillers and a quietly-proud Canadian.
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Blues Tutorial #14: Muddy water is a blues beverage.
6 Jun
Blues Tutorial #14:
If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are: (a) wine, (b) whiskey or bourbon, (c) muddy water, (d) black coffee.
The following are NOT blues beverages: (a) mixed drinks, (b) kosher wine, (c) Snapple, (d) sparkling water.
http://pinterest.com/pin/39406565462264849/
Woody Allen: “And the lion will lie down with the lamb…”
31 May
“And the lion will lie down with the lamb,
but the lamb won’t get much sleep…”
~ Woody Allen
Blues Tutorial #13: Blues is not a matter of color.
29 May
Blues Tutorial #13:
Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
http://pinterest.com/pin/39406565462226736/
Blues Tutorial #12: You have a right to sing the blues if you just can’t be satisfied.
25 May
Blues Tutorial #12:
You have the right to sing the blues if: (a) you’re older than dirt, (b) you’re blind, (c) you shot a man in Memphis, (d) you can’t be satisfied.
But you ain’t got the right to sing the blues if: (a) you have all your teeth, (b) you were once blind but now can see, (c) the man in Memphis lived, (d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
http://pinterest.com/pin/39406565462205111/
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