Archive | April, 2011

How to Sing the Blues, by ToneDeaf Avocado Annand (humor)

22 Apr

I wish I could say I wrote this amusing “Blues tutorial” myself but I didn’t. I got it one day last year via email from a friend, in an attachment that looked like a piece of parchment signed by “S.B.” So that’s who deserves the real credit, because clearly “S.B.” understands the blues.

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman – with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher – and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Havin’ hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg ‘cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: (a) highway, (b) jailhouse, (c) empty bed, (d) bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places: (a) ashrams, (b) gallery openings, (c) Ivy League institutions, (d) golf courses.

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, you do if: (a) you’re older than dirt, (b) you’re blind, (c) you shot a man in Memphis, (d) you can’t be satisfied. But you ain’t got the right to sing the blues if: (a) you have all your teeth, (b) you were once blind but now can see, (c) the man in Memphis lived, (d) you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) wine, (b) whiskey or bourbon, (c) muddy water, (d) black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) mixed drinks, (b) kosher wine, (c) Snapple, (d) sparkling water.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie, (b) Big Mama, (c) Bessie, (d) Fat River Dumpling.

17. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe, (b) Willie, (c) Little Willie, (d) Big Willie.

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
(a) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
(b) first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
(c) last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)

20. I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don’t care.

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20 Random Things About Me (autobiographical)

11 Apr

This was an idea that first got circulated on Facebook. The rules were simple — once tagged by a “friend” who wanted to know more about me, I was supposed to write a note with at least a dozen random things, facts, habits, or goals about myself. As usual, I got a bit carried away with it all and ended up writing 20 “facts”. It was a lot of fun writing, so now it’s time to share:

 1. I believe in reincarnation. Based on dozens and dozens of dreams logged during my university years, last time out, I believe I was a German soldier who died on the Russian Front in WW2.

2. People have told me my family name is common in Syria and India, but it’s actually Scottish. Story has it, my ancestors were booted out of Scotland because they used to sneak across the border at night and do nasty things to the King’s sheep. We’re so baaaaaaad.

3. In my teens, I was scared to death of girls. Thankfully, I got over that, and now I prefer the company of women because of the unique qualities they offer – passion, honesty, humor and curves.

4. To put myself through university I worked in the mining industry, where I was exposed to high concentrations of lead, copper, zinc, and radon gas. To make it worse, I listened to a lot of heavy metal. On a full moon, I glow in the dark.

5. I love nuts. Put a bowl of any kind in front of me and I’ll eat them all. Immediately. No sharing.

6. I have a thing with my inner ear that makes me nauseous if I spend even a few minutes on a rocking chair, a garden swing, or a boat. Don’t rock me, baby, or I’ll hurl.

7. I believe there are only two kinds of beer fit to drink – in the summer, Weisz (white) beer and for all seasons, British and Irish dark ales.

8. I love red. I’ve had red glasses, shoes, underwear, shirts, jackets, guitars and cars. No red pants yet, but I’m keeping my eye out.

9. I can eat almost anything. Indigestion is not in my vocabulary. Unless you count one night in Greece where I had a squid in its own ink, a bottle of retsina, a pack of menthol cigarettes, a chocolate bar, and a few shots of ouzo.

10. I like pseudonyms. In university I published a lot of poetry under the name Boris. In the 80s I wrote four trashy novels as Alan Marks, and in the 90s, a mystery as Aleister Foxx. I occasionally receive mail addressed to Occupant.

11. I’ve had three scary close encounters with wildlife – a bear and a wolf in the Northwest Territories, and a komodo dragon in Thailand.

12. I’ve had two near-death experiences – once in a mining accident where a co-worker was crushed to death, and another in a robbery where the perp put a bullet into the wall just inches over my head.

13. My favorite guitarists are Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Keith Richards and Stevie Ray Vaughn.

14. After an hour of playing bass guitar, my fingers get so hot that women don’t like me to touch them because it’s just too sexually exciting.

15. I’ve been playing James Brown for 30 years and I still can’t take him to the bridge.

16. I like complex people. If you’re a little crazy, have a dark family history and complicated relationships, and are trying to succeed with more than three professional ambitions, I want to be your friend.

17. I can’t go to sleep until I read something for at least a few minutes. Unless it’s a woman with Braille tattoos.

18. Astrology has illuminated my life for over 30 years, first as an intellectual pursuit, but more and more, as a spiritual calling.

19. I’m a typical Aries – aggressive, arrogant, brainy, brash, competitive, crude, restless, and reckless. You got a problem with that?

20. Although life sometimes seems a bit of a struggle, I consider myself blessed – I have a wonderful family, an angel for a wife, and a guru. It’s like winning the trifecta!

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I have a big thing for Kristen Wiig!

10 Apr

Okay, I’m going public with my love for Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live. No, just kidding, I don’t love her, just her kooky characters.

Seriously, I love her eyes, her bipolar mouth, her legs, her everything. No, just kidding, I can’t love her because I’m so married.

Seriously, I’ve Googled every image and shred of information about Kristen, and I’m building a shrine to her in a corner of my bedroom. No, just kidding, it’s not a corner, it’s the whole bedroom, and I’ve moved my wife to the garage to make room for Kristen. No, just kidding, I’m the one who lives in the garage because of my KW-love-obsession.

Seriously, I love every role she plays. No, just kidding, that one with the sonar forehead and the tiny baby hands is sick. So sick I love her love her love her.

Seriously, I need help. Kristen, baby, come to Toronto, I have a small garage and a big heart, we can make out on the sleeping bag between the lawnmower and the bicycles. No, just kidding, you have SNL money, we can afford a hotel room.

No, just kidding, I can’t really leave the garage because my wife will set fire to my KW-love-shrine. Seriously, I have a Wiig obsession of mythic proportions.

No, just kidding, everything about me is proportionate . . . except when I think of her, and then some things do get out of hand. Seriously.

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