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Neil Gaiman (b. November 10): “You get ideas from being bored” & other quotes on writing

10 Nov

gaiman2Neil Gaiman, born 10 November 1960, is an English author who writes short stories, novels, comic books, graphic novels and films. His novels include Stardust, American Gods, Coraline, and The Graveyard Book.

Quotes on writing

  1. Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.
  2. Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
  3. You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we’re doing it.
  4. Fiction allows us to slide into these other heads, these other places, and look out through other eyes. And then in the tale we stop before we die, or we die vicariously and unharmed, and in the world beyond the tale we turn the page or close the book, and we resume our lives.
  5. Stories you read when you’re the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you’ll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit.

Yiyun Li (b. November 4): “One should be able to imagine being somebody else”

4 Nov

Yiyun Li, born 4 November 1972, is a Chinese American writer whose works include the short story collections A Thousand Years of Good Prayers, Gold Boy, Emerald Girl, and the novel The Vagrants

Quotes on writing:

  1. I think I’m just writing about human nature and it just so happens that my characters are Chinese.
  2. To write about a struggle amidst the struggling: one must hope that the muddling will end someday.
  3. What a long way it is from one life to another: yet why write if not for that distance; if things can be let go, every before replaced by an after.
  4. Oftentimes if a story didn’t work, I would rescue one character or two characters—or one paragraph—from the story and start all over. Which actually was very efficient for me, I think. You can spend so much time revising.
  5. When I first started writing, I thought a lot about the shape of the stories—do you have a triangle or a rectangle, or do you have a mirror image? Is one character a mirror image of the other? What variation did you do with the characters to make that interesting? 
  6. I wish people would ask me about the importance of the imagination. I really believe that one should be able to imagine being somebody else. This is important for writers, but it’s also important for readers, and for all human beings to be able to imagine being somebody else.

Neil Gaiman (b. November 10): “You get ideas from being bored” & other quotes on writing

10 Nov

gaiman2Neil Gaiman, born 10 November 1960, is an English author who writes short stories, novels, comic books, graphic novels and films. His novels include Stardust, American Gods, Coraline, and The Graveyard Book.

Quotes on writing

  1. Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.
  2. Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
  3. You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we’re doing it.
  4. Fiction allows us to slide into these other heads, these other places, and look out through other eyes. And then in the tale we stop before we die, or we die vicariously and unharmed, and in the world beyond the tale we turn the page or close the book, and we resume our lives.
  5. Stories you read when you’re the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you’ll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit.

Yiyun Li (b. November 4): “One should be able to imagine being somebody else”

4 Nov

Yiyun Li, born 4 November 1972, is a Chinese American writer whose works include the short story collections A Thousand Years of Good Prayers, Gold Boy, Emerald Girl, and the novel The Vagrants

Quotes on writing:

  1. I think I’m just writing about human nature and it just so happens that my characters are Chinese.
  2. To write about a struggle amidst the struggling: one must hope that the muddling will end someday.
  3. What a long way it is from one life to another: yet why write if not for that distance; if things can be let go, every before replaced by an after.
  4. Oftentimes if a story didn’t work, I would rescue one character or two characters—or one paragraph—from the story and start all over. Which actually was very efficient for me, I think. You can spend so much time revising.
  5. When I first started writing, I thought a lot about the shape of the stories—do you have a triangle or a rectangle, or do you have a mirror image? Is one character a mirror image of the other? What variation did you do with the characters to make that interesting? 
  6. I wish people would ask me about the importance of the imagination. I really believe that one should be able to imagine being somebody else. This is important for writers, but it’s also important for readers, and for all human beings to be able to imagine being somebody else.

Aquarians at Night…

13 Feb

alien_sex_5-AC

Aquarians at Night…

CyberVegas was the IT industry’s annual group grope of code and data addicts. An entire hotel was booked, its rooftop terrace party central when the day’s presentations were over. My buddy Troy and I went up there for cocktail hour. The haze above the vapor patio was so blue I thought I was on Uranus. Maybe we were. The place was crawling with weirdos.

“Get you something?” A waitress slithered up in a sexy lizard body leotard, like the reptilian alien Diane in the TV series V. I wasn’t sure if she was a real waitress or just acting out some cosplay script. But she had a tray in her hand, so I took a chance.

“Dirty vodka martini with a slice of jalapeno,” I told her. “Two shots of vodka, easy on the vermouth.”

woman_8 - CROP“Dry and spicy,” she said.

“Like my wit,” I said.

“Whatever.” She looked at Troy. “You like it dirty too?”

“Uh, yes,” Troy said, but his answer revealed that her appearance had caused a short circuit in his logic.

I knew his drink was a Bloody Mary, two stalks of celery, no salt on the rim. Troy was currently on a health kick, so his drinks had to be nutritious, fruit or vegetable juice, fiber, low sugar/sodium content. And he was going easy on alcohol, no doubles.

Suddenly he’d gone completely off his own program. Distracted perhaps by her spectacular figure, poorly-concealed beneath a micro-thin gauze of lizard-skin. I was a little distracted myself, but at least I’d got my drink order right.

She headed for the bar. We watched her reptilian buns shimmy with luminescence across the terrace.

“Houston, I think we have liftoff,” Troy said.

“Isn’t it a little early to be breaking your resolution?”

He’d sworn this year he wouldn’t make a fool of himself. Last conference, he’d been netted in a tranny bar raid and held overnight in a crowded jail until I could bail him out. Meantime, he’d lost most of his clothes. There’d been pictures on Facebook, LVPD mugshots, enough memories to last a lifetime…

men“This is different,” he said.

“Like how?”

“There’s something exotic about her.”

We drifted toward the bar, scanning the crowd for unfamiliar faces. We already knew half the people there, either because we worked in Silicon Valley, or had met at other conferences. Anyone half-serious about their career was here.

Aside from boning up on cloud coupling and deep-data derivatives, it was a fabulous hookup scene for nerds of every perversion. Sorry, persuasion. I was looking for someone I didn’t know. Someone who could take me places I’d never been before. Flesh drive fantasy.

Troy and I nodded to a crew from CalTech, every one of them an inventor with patents up the yahoo. Super-geeks. Guys so far out there you needed radar to track them. The alpha geek was an Iranian they called Dr. Aquarius because no one could pronounce his real name.

As we neared the bar, our waitress materialized with two martinis. I drank mine straight off and pried Troy’s from his hot hand. “He needs a cool nutritious beverage.” I told her the recipe for his Bloody Mary.

“Okay.” She was back in less than a minute, as if a Bloody Mary had been waiting at the bar. Maybe she had a mic in her lizard-collar, bluetoothing her orders to the bartender…

“Thanks.” Troy sucked absently on his drink as he scanned her up and down. Maybe he was still trying to decide if she was real or not. There were some nice bots out there but nothing quite like this.

Crash_site_3“Have you guys been to Area 69?” she said.

“What’s that – an alien crash site?” I said. “Or a strip bar?”

She gave me a look.

“Where’s Area 69?” Troy said.

“Out in the desert. I’ll show you later.” She touched him and I saw electricity run like blue fire up his arm.

“Does it have anything to do with aliens?” As rational as he was, Troy was also into UFOs. “Can we go now?”

“It has everything to do with aliens,” she said. “But you can relax. The shuttle doesn’t leave until midnight.”

“Shuttle?” Troy looked around. “Who else is going?”

“Just enough people to make it interesting.”

She winked at him but it was creepy. Her main eyelid stayed open as a gauze-like film partially obscured her pupil, but you could see she could still see you. Maybe it was woman_4some sort of bio-patch dreamed up by one of those super-geeks. Or maybe she really was part-reptile. Ever since David Icke had discovered lizards under the Denver Airport, there’d been sightings all over the Southwest.

“What’s your name?” Troy said.

“Phoebe.”

She went back to work and Troy and I went out onto the patio for a smoke. The sun had set an hour ago. We could see planes coming in from all over to land at McCarran.

We each took out our vaporizers. In private we’d occasionally share one like you would a joint, but in public it looked too gay, which we weren’t. In fact, we were just the opposite of gay. We were distinctly unhappy.

I was congenitally saturnine. Tory was legitimately sad.

His tenth girlfriend had just broken up with him. Not because he was a bad guy. In fact, he was such a good guy I think girls felt bad about keeping him to themselves, and released him back into the wild so other girls could have a taste too. Girls, when they weren’t being bitches with each other, could sometimes be very tribal that way.

Why did women dump him? Beats me. He made a quarter mil a year running cloud ops for a Fortune 500 company. He spoke three languages, ordered wine with confidence and picked up any tab within reason. Maybe he was a dud in the sack. But I couldn’t ask him about it, never mind talk to his exes.

vegas_6I ignited my vaporizer. It contained a blend of cannabis and gotu kola that made me feel hip and smart at the same time. While my eyes drifted across the patio, looking for that someone special, Troy stared off into the sky.

“Did you see that?” he pointed to the northeast.

“What?” I looked but all I saw was the Las Vegas Freeway lit up like a neon snake with thousands of cars running on a dream.

“A plane just dropped out of the sky.”

“Saturday night, planes are coming in here every five minutes. Plus which, Nellis Air Force Base is out that way…”

“No, I saw a light – vertical as a plumb line. It just dropped out of the sky – way out there.” He pointed toward the black horizon.

“You want to call 911 or TMZ?”

He laughed, but I knew he was ticked that I didn’t take him seriously. He was a bit of a Star Wars trooper, prone to spin out of orbit, but I’d learned not to follow him.

dance_clubWe had another drink and went downstairs to the dance lounge. They had a funk band with singers in miniskirts, and a Latina shaking her castanets. These nerd-fests were notoriously short on women, so Troy and I split up and prowled like hungry men at a buffet. When I spotted a tall brunette in a blue mini, I knew the night would never get better.

Her name was Rhea, the lead developer for a high-tech Montreal firm doing special effects for movies. Cutting edge graphics, lots of mathematics. In minutes we were deep into a conversation about fractals.

I caught the bartender in pause mode and ordered her a drink. Personally, I never liked gin and tonic, or guys who drank it, but the women could be interesting, especially if they drank a lot of it. I got her a double.

We hit the dance floor and ripped it up for fifteen minutes, which is all the cardio I need after three drinks while still trying to keep my armpits dry.

We returned to the bar for another round. I hadn’t seen Troy in a while, but it was early and he couldn’t be in trouble yet. Besides, he had a shuttle to catch at midnight.

I excused myself to visit the washroom. Rhea had to go too. We headed off together for the washrooms. But when I entered the men’s, she followed me.

woman_5“Uh, the women’s is over there.”

“I know, but I’m a man,” she said.

I stopped dead in my tracks. “Okay, I didn’t see that coming.”

“Gotcha.” She flashed a wicked grin and went into the women’s. But she had me going there for a minute. She was tall for a woman, lean like a runner.

When I got back to the bar, Troy was there with Phoebe. She was wrapped around him like an anaconda. I really began to wonder what her job was.

“Where’ve you been, man? The shuttle’s leaving in a few minutes.”

“I’ve got to wait for this woman I met.” I didn’t want to lose her now, having had a drink and broken sweat together, almost shared a bathroom…

“Rhea went on ahead,” Phoebe said. “She’ll meet us on the platform.”

“How do you know her name?” I said.

“I know everyone who wants to come.” Phoebe led us to the elevator.

We took a ride down. Phoebe got off at the lobby to pick some people up, she’d meet us on the platform. We continued, me and Troy and a few geniuses from CalTech, Crash_site_2another four stories underground until we emerged on a subway platform. A few other familiar Silicon Valley faces were there already, held spellbound by Rhea with her spherical geometry and harmonic coordinates.

“Where’s Phoebe?” Troy said.

“She’ll come on the next car,” Rhea said.

A subway car pulled up, bullet-nosed like a giant dildo. Rhea waved us all aboard. I threw myself into a seat as the car accelerated, my back thrust hard again the seat. Then we decelerated, and I came half out of my seat in almost gravity-free space. We braked to a halt and the doors opened.

We took an elevator to the surface and emerged from inside a rock formation at the edge of a sprawling desert – an ancient lake reduced to a salt flat. Phoebe was there to greet us.

“How’d you get here first?” Troy said.

“We overtook you in the passing lane,” she laughed. I thought she was joking but there she was with half a dozen nerds whom I’d seen in the lobby when she got off the elevator.

desert_4 - CROPTroy and I joined the others under the infinite night sky. We couldn’t see the lights of Vegas. I looked up and tried to find the Big Dipper to orient myself. The other geeks milled in circles, waiting for something to justify having left the conference after-hours party.

A pillar of light dropped from heaven. In a blink it was replaced by a giant chrome thermos bottle settling onto the sand. A portal opened on our side. Red tentacles rippled out in a sticky net and pulled us inside.

~~~

I woke up curled naked in a shower. The bath towel on the shower rod read, Hotel Nevada Blue. I didn’t remember checking in but at least I wasn’t waking up in jail. Now if I could just find some aspirin for this massive headache…

I wandered out into a huge suite overlooking the Strip. A dozen geeks were sleeping in various states of nakedness. The TV was on, it was Friday morning and the AM show hosts were talking about this weekend’s weather.

Huh? Troy and I had only attended day one of a week-long conference, and gone to Area 69 on Monday night. I was missing three days.

alien_sex_7I looked around for Phoebe and Rhea but there was no sign of them. Just Troy and six guys from CalTech and a handful of other code-runners from the Valley.

“What’s going on?” Troy awoke with a start, shocked to see he was lying on the sofa with some other nerd in only his underwear. He leaped to his feet. “Christ, not again!” He turned on me. “You were supposed to keep an eye on me. What the hell happened?”

“This was different,” I reassured him. “No trannies. And no police.”

“That’s a relief.” He got a bottle of water from the fridge and headed for the shower. “But why do I feel like someone took my brain out of my head and used it like a sponge to get a stain out of a carpet?”

I phoned room service for food and lots of coffee. One by one the Valley wunderkind woke up with blank looks on their faces, headshakes sounding like a pair of dice in a tin cup. Snake-eyes, sucker. Did somebody say, mindfuck?

Gradually we pieced it together, although it was like one of those paradoxes from quantum physics. Dual state realities, entanglement, spooky action at a distance, Schrodinger’s pussy.

The Monday night consensus was, we’d all met two women named Phoebe and Rhea. They were both very attractive in a weird way, but details of their clothing were contradictory. According to some, Phoebe wore the electric blue mini-dress. Rhea, the tall one, wore the snakeskin jumpsuit. Both shimmered with an alien light, but served great drinks.

And then it got fuzzy. Some remembered taking the shuttle with Phoebe or Rhea to Area 69. Others said the thermos bottle came right to the hotel, hovered above the rooftop terrace and sucked guys off the vapor patio like dust bunnies in a hand vacuum.

aliens_1My most vivid memory was of the tentacles. They looked wet but they were actually made of fire. They took hold of me with a reassuring grip and pulled me into their body-temperature hull. I should have been terrified but it was all very pleasant. It was like being massaged by God.

I remember lying there as a blue doughnut of light collared my ankles and raised my feet above my head. It squeezed me like a tube of toothpaste – up my legs and across my waist, up my chest and onto my face. It rotated my head until something popped. Then it went back to milking me.

As plasma began draining from my head, Rhea placed beneath me an urn of glow-in-the dark metal. I felt everything start to whirl, like I was in a centrifugal drum. It felt nice, like giving blood for a good cause.

But what cause? That, I’ve forgotten.

~~~

Alan Annand is a writer and astrologer with the moon in Scorpio.

Find his New Age Noir series and other mystery novels at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&NobleKobo and Smashwords.

AA_Astrology

Capricorns at night…

2 Jan

9635983330_3e6333e000_bCapricorns at night…

All I wanted for Christmas was a few days off. But my boss suggested that, if I hoped for a bonus this year, I should volunteer for holiday overtime. Our company’s next board meeting was the first week of the New Year, and they needed our year-end report. It had been hanging over our heads like Damocles’ sword since the first of December, and now it was time… Chronos, that old bastard, demanded his due.

Saturday morning, the last weekend before Christmas, four of us gathered for duty at one of our branch offices. The plan was, out here in the suburbs we would toil without distraction, finish the report by day’s end and join our fellow employees for our office party tonight in the downtown entertainment district.

5ha27z-lThere was Karen from HR, a total slave driver with an eye on the VP’s office. Since we all expected to go straight to the party afterwards, she was wearing black leather pants, little boots and a crisp white blouse with military-style epaulets. I didn’t know whether to salute or grovel at her feet. Maybe later she’d bring out a whip and clarify my options.

Capricorn_MugshotIrving from Finance had arrived in his dark blue pinstripe. An archetypal brown-noser, he worked every Saturday anyway. Rumor was, he had a specially-designed Murphy bed with a desk, and liked to work on Sunday mornings too. Many of us suspected he wore dark blue pinstripe pajamas.

Joan was there on behalf of Marketing. Whereas Karen’s hair was black as a vulture’s wing, Joan was a platinum blonde with a body modeled after a joanBarbie doll. None of it was real of course, but that was marketing for you, and we all knew that if Joan didn’t make it to the top of her ladder, she could always go into politics.

The day went by in a blur of coffee, pizza and more coffee. We convened in one of the conference rooms at six to review our draft. Multiple errors were found in the report, and fingers were pointed in a paroxysm of passive-aggressive accusations that left everyone with wounded egos, acid stomachs and looming migraines. We again hunkered down over our respective contributions and toiled until well past nine PM.

By this time we’d missed dinner with the rest of the office staff downtown. We’d be lucky now to join them for drinking and dancing at a popular club. Seeing the evening spiralling into a black hole of corporate servitude, someone from Operations (maybe me) scooted across the street and bought a few bottles of wine before it was too late to salvage any happiness from this day.

We poured a round of drinks into four of the Marketing department’s complimentary coffee mugs and pressed on into the night. Another review revealed more errors, unleashing more recriminations, more cursing, more tears of frustration and anger. I went to the bathroom and cried for a little while until Karen came in and dragged me out by the ear.

It was after midnight before we were finished. If it weren’t for the fact that we’d been drinking as steadily as we’d been working, I would have said, screw this shit, I’m going home to bed, see you Monday morning. But there was something in the fact that nietzschetogether we’d wrestled this 40-page bear of a report to the ground, and stood upon it now with leather heels on its bloodied snout, beating our breasts – both natural and enhanced – in a blood-curdling cry of defiance. We are corporate, hear us roar!

We were ready now to join the gang downtown and rip that joint. The trains had stopped by then so we had to call a cab. It was there in minutes, an Atlas taxi whose driver was a middle-aged man with a mustache the size of a gerbil. As soon as we told him our destination, he sped off toward the highway but when we got to the on-ramp, he went through the underpass instead and headed north.

“Hey, that’s not the way downtown,” I said.

“Big accident on the Metropolitan,” he said. “Alternate route.”

“North? Downtown is south of us.”

He didn’t answer me.

I examined his driver’s card posted on the door column above his shoulder. Bahman Bazouki, it said. I looked in his rear view mirror and saw him glance at me.

“You are going to a party?” he said.

“Yes,” Joan said from the rear. “We have wine.” She was a bit loaded, and was cradling the two remaining bottles of wine to her breasts like they were babies.

“Wine is proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy,” the cabbie said.

“If God wanted me to be happy, he would have let me sleep in today,” Karen said.

DSCN5701The cab pulled off the road to enter a long lane that ran through empty fields beneath a full moon. We passed through a perimeter of cedar trees, within which was a house, a barn and several sheds. There were lights in the house and dozens of people dancing around a backyard bonfire.

“What is this place?” Karen demanded.

“This is where your worldly ambitions go to die,” said the cabbie.

“Sorry,” Karen said, “I already gave at the office.”

“By going under, you shall cross over,” the cabbie insisted.

“Thus spake the lunatic?” Irving looked at our driver. “Who are you? And do you have a night pass, or does the asylum just let you out every full moon?”

“Doctor Bazouki, at your service.” The cabbie got out and opened the door for Karen.

Dance-clothing-trousersShe stepped out and walked a few steps toward the fire. I saw the curve of her thighs limned against the firelight. Her hip twitched, picking up the rhythm of an extremely loud and funky dance tune that was blasting from quadruple speakers around the courtyard. “This looks like fun.” She snapped her fingers and we all followed. Because if you can’t trust HR, who can you trust?

“Excuse me, gentlemen,” said Dr. Bazouki. “Who will pay the fare?”

“Finance,” I said, and Irving coughed up. Natural order of the corporation.

“Could I also ask of you some small assistance?” Bazouki said.

“Sure.” I could give him the name of a good barber. Or a vet. Whatever it took to trim that gerbil down to a less frightening size.

“Give me a hand with these?” He opened the trunk to reveal three cases of what I assumed was wine.

Irving and I each took a case and walked with Bazouki to the house, a big old two-story brick monstrosity from the Victorian era.

franciscogoya-saturn-eating-cronus“So you’re a doctor?” I asked to make conversation.

“In Iran I was doctor of psychiatric therapy.”

“You’ve come a long way,” Irving sniped.

“This is true.” Bazouki stopped us just outside the verandah. “Shoes off here, please.”

I could see a protest half-formed on Irving’s lips. But we looked around and saw there were rows and rows of shoes laid out on wooden planks, and each plank had a number from one to 17. We took off our shoes and left them there on plank number 13.

“Now you are grounded,” Dr. Bazouki said.

“Does that mean I can’t hang out with my friends at the mall?” Irving quipped.

Dr. Bazouki led us down a hallway to a giant kitchen which featured two of every appliance. We opened the cases and put out the bottles. I noticed that it was not wine – neither red nor white nor blush – but a smoky cream that looked like organic apple juice with a bit of milk added.

“What is this stuff?” Irving said.

“Soma,” said Dr. Bazouki.

“Which is what?” Irving shook a bottle and held it up to the light. “Some kind of shampoo?” He looked around, suddenly realizing that almost everyone around us was making out or working up to it.

saturnalia_histories_by_karzrave-d3fvud6Couples were standing in the kitchen, seated in the dining room, lying in the living room. And yet there was constant flux, people getting up and going outside to where the music was pounding like tribal war drums, and people were coming in, breathless and laughing, to grab something to drink from fridge or counter, and relax wherever they could find space, to hold hands, kiss and more…

Dr. Bazouki insisted on pouring us each a tall glass of soma. We had little choice for the moment, since Joan with our remaining two bottles of wine was out there in the crowd somewhere with her other two jugs. Irving and I took tentative sips of our new drink. It tasted like Bailey’s and milk after a trout had swum through it. Irving drained his straight off.

“Like a slightly chilled matzo broth,” he said, and poured himself another glass.

“Mazel tov,” said Dr. Bazouki, raising his own glass to Irving.

I nursed my soma. I had learned from hard experience not to dive into dark waters. Like that year in college when I’d eaten five bags of morning glory seeds and almost passed out with strychnine poisoning. Other than wine, I was now a Scotch man. Single malt and smoky, like the way the air smelled right now…

I followed my nose outside. I don’t know what they were throwing on the fire to make it smell so good. Pheromones, maybe. There were about fifty people dancing around the fire and they all looked hot. Out here in the courtyard, there was primal magic in the air. The drums thudded in my bones. The bass was doing something to my gonads.

capricorn_by_engkit-CROPI saw Karen in the middle of the dancing mob. She’d pulled the pins from her bun and was now flailing a dance-mate with her waist-length hair. This dweeb, as stoned as he was, looked a little bit frightened. As well he should be. Because when HR gets down and dirty, they’re going to rip someone a new one.

“Karen!” I called and waved.

She abandoned her dance partner and came out through the crowd to hug me. “This is fucking wild.”

“What about the office party?” I said. “The cabbie’s still here. If we want to go, we need to go now.”

“Go now? Are you insane? We just got here. What are you drinking?” She borrowed my glass and took a bold sip. “What the hell is that? A sperm smoothie?” she took another sip. “With banana and turmeric?”

“Don’t ask me, I only helped deliver the stuff. It’s called soma.”

“It’s som-a good!” Her Italian imitation was terrible, but she drained my glass.

“Where’s Joan? She has our two bottles of wine.”

“I don’t know. I think I saw her making out with two guys she just met.”

“What?”

Zodiac-Capricorn-59972“Just kidding.” She punched me in the shoulder. “What are you, stoned?” She tried to look me in the eyes but I’m sure all she could see was the reflection of dancers in the firelight. “Whoa!” she said, squeezing my bicep.

“What’s the matter?”

“I saw something in your eyes. It looked like you and me naked.”

“How would you know it’s me?” I said. “You’ve never seen me naked.”

“I’ve imagined how you look.” She corrected herself. “I mean, I can imagine…”

She paused as someone came running through the crowd, screaming like a banshee, and jumped over the bonfire.

“Holy shit!” she said. “Was that Irving?”

“I think so.”

Before we even had time to rush to the other side of the fire, to give him artificial respiration, or piss on his burning clothes, Irving came dancing around the inner ring. His jacket was on fire but he’d taken it off and was whirling it over his head as he danced clockwise around the fire. As the flames reached his lapels, he flung the jacket into the fire and screamed like a dozen women all giving birth at the same time.

museum2A huge roar went up from the crowd. People started following Irving around the fire, jumping and turning in a massive conga line. Some tore off their shirts, belts and skirts, and flung them into the flames. People poured out of the house, carrying glasses and bottles of soma. Suddenly, there was Dr. Bazouki at our sides with a bottle which he thrust into our hands.

“Dance the night away,” he said.

“You’re the doctor.” Karen poured herself a glass and gave me the bottle. She resumed dancing, and for the briefest moment I saw her as a cobra undulating in the firelight, her body a sinuously erotic mirage, her tongue flicking toward me.

I took a swig from the bottle. This felt good. Not another five-bags-of-strychnine night. I could feel the wave beginning to rise beneath me. I had my feet planted firmly on the board. I was the big kahuna and I was going to ride this monster all the way in to the breakers. I began to dance, doing the old shuffle to the left, shuffle to the right, grab your baby’s ass, it’s going to be all right.

“Ooh, what’s got into you?” Karen shimmied a little closer, holding her glass off to one side so that she could press herself up against me.

pan_childwall“The Devil,” I screamed.

“What?”

“Over there!” I pointed, but by the time she turned to look, he was gone.

“Are you hallucinating?” Karen said.

She thought I was crazy but I knew I’d seen him, just for a moment, a giant dancing goat with one of those big Pan flutes and an erection the size of a Louisville slugger. He’d scooped up two blondes – I think one of them might have been Joan – and run off into the woods behind the compound.

The music, as if it couldn’t have got any louder, rose in waves to buffet us from all sides. We danced like crazed marionettes, heaving and crashing into each other like slam-dancing punks in some testosterone-charged mosh pit of epic proportions.

I don’t remember finishing the bottle. Tell the truth, I don’t remember any other details from around the fire. I do remember Karen leading me by the hand into one of the sheds at the back of the compound. I remember tearing at each other’s clothes and collapsing onto a pile of burlap bags that smelled like potatoes or goats or both.

tumblr_mvs9nvqcx61rkkp04o1_500And I remember her saying, just before we did it, “You know what a non-disclosure agreement is, right?”

“Of course.” You could take the man out of the corporation, but you could never take the corporation out of the man.


“Well, I’m invoking one,” she said. “Right here, right now.”

“Is that a verbal commitment, or oral?”

“If you shut up, you can have both,” she said, and sealed the deal with burning lips upon mine.

In the morning, the place looked like the aftermath of a tornado, where capricious forces of nature had scooped up a Club Med party along with a business convention, mixed them violently in a giant cocktail shaker and spilled them back onto Earth. There were clothes and half-naked bodies everywhere, and a pall of hormone-scented smoke hanging over the courtyard.

capricorn_by_mavainFortunate to be early risers, we gathered up some clothes here and there, not caring if anything matched, like survivors of some inexplicable natural disaster. We found Irving and Joan naked in a corner of the barn. Unfortunately, we’d lost our phones and were unable to capture the moment for posterity and years of leverage. Maybe it was just as well.

The four of us walked to the highway where we hoped, despite our dishevelled appearances, to hitchhike a ride back into town. Along the edge of the lane, where the soil was black and muddy, I saw the prints of a giant cloven hoof. It might have been a goat, but I’m not much of a farm boy, so who knows?

~~~

Alan Annand is a writer and astrologer with the moon in Scorpio. Find his New Age Noir series and other mystery novels at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&NobleKobo and Smashwords.

Sagittarians at night…

3 Dec

arty woman horseback

Sagittarians at night

After my fiancé broke off our engagement and moved in with his Ethics professor, I joined a book club to get my mind off killing him. I immediately felt at home with this bunch of brainy gals – a librarian, magazine editor, travel agent, lawyer, pastor, romance novelist, yoga teacher, etc – whose high IQs and barely-repressed libidos offered a sapiosexual buffet of eligible women.

Out of the dozen, usually only half of us attended any given discussion night. Duality was our middle name and commitment, however much we bemoaned its absence in our male acquaintances, was thin in our ranks too. We did a survey once and counted 17 divorces among us, and only half of us had been married.

We all lived within a half-hour’s drive of each other in a large Midwest metropolis. One of the women owned a farm, a 50-acre property she’d inherited from her grandmother. All she had was a dog and two cats but we were always bugging her to get a cute little goat or a miniature pig like George Clooney’s.

clooney pigWhenever GC’s name came up, we typically lost focus. The librarian had to remind us of our agenda, asking us to refer to any notes we’d taken since reading our assigned book. We’d then discuss the merits, literary or otherwise, of whatever we’d deemed worthy of our scrutiny. Other than George and his little porcine pal.

When we met last Thursday, it was a perfect summer evening. We were gathered on the deck of our hostess’s recently renovated farmhouse. It was a full moon and everyone had brought wine. Instead of sipping coffee and sampling “I’ll have-just-one” pastries, we were getting loaded.

For once everyone was here, and all in good humor. Nobody was complaining about bladder infections, migraines, or menstrual cramps. We suffered only ennui. But WTF, we were 21st century women. Notre pays, c’est ennui.

“Drinking and driving is not an option,” our hostess reminded us. “I have two extra bedrooms with double beds. There’s a sofa-bed in the living room and I have a tent that sleeps four.”

“Actually, it’s so warm tonight,” the travel agent pointed out, “you could probably sleep in the open.”

“Naked,” the romance novelist added, and a titter ran through the group.

“There’s also the barn,” the pastor suggested.

“I’m sure someone suffers hay fever,” our hostess objected.

equestrienne“One summer when I was a kid,” one gal said, “my cousin and I slept in my uncle’s barn. We made a bed of blankets in the hayloft and told each other dirty stories all night.”

“Do you remember any of those stories?” the romance novelist said.

“Don’t get me started.”

“Fifty shades of hay,” the librarian hooted.

“We should hold tonight’s discussion in the barn,” the travel agent said.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” our hostess said.

“It’s a perfect setting,” the librarian countered. “After all, we’re discussing The Horse Whisperer.”

“There’s a motion on the floor,” the lawyer noted. “Do we have a second?”

“I second that,” the pastor said.

“All in favor of moving to the barn, raise your hands.”

Everyone but our hostess raised their hands. “It’s not… clean out there,” she protested.

“Some of us like it dirty,” said the romance novelist, followed by a group roar.

“The ayes have it,” the lawyer said. “Everybody bring a chair, a bottle, whatever you can carry.”

horsehead babeWe all trooped out to the barn, opened its double doors and settled ourselves in a circle of chairs. There were stables on both sides with haylofts above them. Each stall had a low door that functioned as a gate. Most of the doors were open, revealing empty stalls, although a few at the rear were closed. But as far as we knew, our hostess had no livestock.

A single light-bulb hung from a rafter overhead, providing sufficient light to consult the margin notes in our books. As usual, the librarian started the discussion by recapping the plot.

“The Horse Whisperer is about a teenage girl who loses a leg in a riding accident. Her horse is traumatized and becomes so temperamental that her father wants it put down. But her mom learns about a horse trainer in Montana who’s renowned for treating equine PTSD.”

sam-way-horseback-nudeThe novel is poignant, and the Robert Redford movie had rendered it an absolute tearjerker. Anticipating an emotional discussion, we’d all brought tissues. The romance novelist was already weeping, probably thinking of the huge gap between her lifetime earnings and that of the bestseller’s author.

“So mother and daughter take the horse to Montana where the horse whisperer cures its neurosis and, as a bonus, has an affair with the daughter. When mom learns this, she rides off in a huff and gets caught in a mustang stampede. In saving her, the horse whisperer is killed. Mother and daughter return East with the horse, and a bun in the daughter’s oven.”

She paused. “Who’d like to start? Any thoughts on story, character or theme?”

“What’s that smell?” the pastor said.

“What?” the librarian liked to run a tight class, and this immediately threw her off stride.

“Smells like horse.” The yoga teacher turned and looked toward the stables in the rear. As she twisted in her seat, rotating her shoulders, she crossed one leg over the other and twined her ankles together. You had to admire her form, she was a total yogini.

“It’s just the hay,” our hostess said. “It’s been so musky this summer.”

“Musty, you mean,” the editor corrected her.

nude on horsey“Say what you will, it does smell musky.” The yoga teacher stood and sniffed the air. “Horse musk.”

“Nonsense,” said our hostess. “The place just needs to be aired out. Let’s move our chairs closer to the door. Better yet, let’s return to the deck.”

“What’s that sound?” the pastor said. She was small, but had the nose and ears of a church mouse.

“I didn’t hear anything,” our hostess said. “There’s nothing out here… to hear or smell or feel…”

“Feel?” the editor said. “You mean, to see?”

“Quiet,” the librarian snapped and we all shut up.

There in the silence of the barn, a dozen women holding their collective breath, we heard a muted whinny, like a horse that needed to clear his throat in the middle of the night but didn’t want to wake you. We all looked at each other.

The travel agent looked at our hostess. “Do you have a horse?”

“A horse? No.”

From the back of the barn came another whinny and the stomp of a hoof. We rose and moved like a herd in that direction. The travel agent opened one stable door after another. We crowded behind her as she came to the last one.

daniel-radcliffe-horseA good-looking guy stood leaning against the door, half-naked and built like a football player, a tight end or something. We could only see him from the waist up but so far, so good. We all crowded in a little closer.

The scent of horse was strong. At first whiff I didn’t really like it but it quickly grew on me. I inhaled deeply. It was like your first scent of man stuff – musky, yeah, but maddeningly so. Full moon and all, it was enough to make a gal tip her head back and howl.

Everyone turned to give me a look. Even the guy in the stable looked alarmed. God knows how much our hostess had paid him to show up for this, but now he was probably wondering what he’d got himself into. Were we a coven of witches who liked to barbecue long-haul truck drivers on the full moon?

“Sorry,” I apologized to the group. “You know I have Tourette’s.”

The travel agent extended her hand to the guy. “I don’t believe we’ve met. My name’s Pam. Do you like books too?” She peered over the gate to get a better look at the rest of him.

Before he could answer, she shrieked, “Oh my God, he’s a centaur. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, where’s my phone? I’ve got to get a picture of this. Of me. With him. Or it. Definitely me and… and…”

nude-on-horse-merrygoround“No phones allowed in book discussion,” the librarian reminded us. Our phones were all back in the house, in a Rubbermaid container atop the fridge.

“Just as well,” the  yoga teacher said. “No telling what could happen here. Maybe we don’t want any evidence.”

“What happens in the barn, stays in the barn,” the lawyer said.

There was a bunch of damn-rights and no-shits from the group.

“I’m serious,” the lawyer said. “Motion on the floor for non-disclosure. All in favor, show of hands.”

With everybody holding both hands aloft, we looked like a herd of excited elk with horns erect. We pressed forward as the travel agent opened the gate.

“Whoaaaaa.” The centaur did a nervous little prance, like he’d just realized there were a dozen she-wolves in the house.

This was one fine piece of centaur. Below his sculpted six-pack the hair on his belly was thick and glossy down his legs and along his flanks to the rear. Bracing her hands against his chest, the travel agent raised herself on tiptoes to kiss him.

nude horseman“His breath smells like apple cider,” she swooned.

He whinnied and did another little prance. It was both adorable and arousing, like two Lords of the Riverdance in a horse costume at a bachelorette stag party. And the scent of him, my god, it was intoxicating, it made you just want to vault onto his back and ride off into the sunset.

“I want to ride him,” someone screamed.

We started a chant. “Ride the pony, ride the pony, ride ride ride the pony.”

“Girls, girls,” the librarian warned. “We don’t know if it’s safe.”

“Have you ridden him?” the editor asked our hostess.

newton-saddle“I’d rather not say.” She blushed with cheeks on fire.

“I’ll draft a risk waiver,” the lawyer said, “that we can all verbally agree to.”

“To which we can all agree,” the editor amended.

“Is this for real?” the pastor said, “or an out-of-body experience? I confess, I’ve prayed for something like this, but I never thought it would actually happen.”

“First dibs on the rights to his life story,” the romance novelist said. She’d made little from her books, and wanted to write a screenplay for some serious money.

We all crowded into the centaur’s stall. We didn’t care how dangerous it was. We were women. We ran with wolves. We watched vampire movies. We had periods. We could ride this pony to hell and back.

“God, feel those legs.” The travel agent ran her hands down his two forelegs and moved to his rear. She fondled his knees and worked herself up. “Oh my god, this guy is so ripped. And his butt…!”

Face-your-fearThis set off a stampede but the stall was too small for all of us to fit back there at the same time. So we adopted the typical buffet-table flight-pattern, circling clockwise like vultures, letting everyone get a taste.

The centaur was cool. He let us run our hands over his chest and legs, and kiss him on the lips. The yoga teacher mounted his back and writhed up and down his spine. It didn’t look like any yoga pose I knew, but the expression on her face was pure nirvana, so I guess she knew what she was doing.

When the pastor finally got to the rear, she’d barely touched his haunches before her eyes rolled up in her sockets like someone possessed. She seized his tail and started whipping herself with it, screaming, “You’re a naughty girl, bad girl, wicked girl. You’ll burn in hell, simmer in a cauldron of boiling semen…”

“Boiling oil,” the editor said. “You can’t boil semen or it will turn to custard.”

“That would be such a waste,” the librarian said. “Semen should only be served at womb temperature.”

After we’d been around the horse a few times, felt him up from fetlock to flank, we rushed to refill our wine glasses. Everyone knew this party wasn’t over, but it would take a lot more than a whiff of horse musk to push a bunch of classy women over the top. How much more? Nobody knew, but pretty much everyone seemed hell bent on finding out.

bush-babe & horseI lost count of how many bottles went the rounds to quench our collective thirst. But it was a hot summer night, and we’d kicked up quite a bit of barn dust, getting frisky there in the OK corral.

The yoga teacher got the pastor calmed down with some deep breathing. This wasn’t an OBE, she assured her, but the real deal. Show a little faith. Get ready to go where angels feared to tread. Her Come-to-Jesus moment was nigh.

By now, we were all lubricated to the melting point but also a little bit scared. Within the circle of sisters, we’d hefted his balls in our palms. We’d dared to run our hands along a shaft the size of a baseball bat. But after that, a shivering blank screen, a place our imaginations weren’t ready to go…

God bless her, the travel agent was the first to venture into unknown territory. Encouraged by our supportive cries of ride-’em-cowgirl, she went alone to his stall. She was gone for a long while. At one point, we heard her moaning and almost sent someone to check on her. But then we heard insane laughter and we knew it was going to be a long night…

horse-and-naked-womanIt was dawn before we were finished but eventually everybody got to ride on the pony. Even the pastor bore witness to The Second Coming. Needless to say, no one drove home that night. The beds in the house filled up. A few of us took the backyard tent. Someone slept in their car, and the romance novelist passed out naked on the lawn.

The morning after was not pretty. It’s best not to think about it. And we are certainly not going to talk about it. What happened in the barn stays in the barn.

~~~

Alan Annand is a writer and astrologer with the moon in Scorpio. Find his New Age Noir series and other mystery novels at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo and Smashwords.

The Bassman Cometh…

18 Nov

(My Night with Margaret Atwood)

Every once in a blue moon someone pops up like a demented jack-in-the-box to inflict such havoc in your life that they become elevated, for at least that short troubled time, to the status of nemesis. Briefly many years ago I had the dubious distinction of playing that role opposite none other than the reigning queen of Canadian literature, Margaret Atwood.

Nemesis. For those who lack a superlative command of Greek vocabulary, look it up in your Funk ’n’ Wagnall’s. A nemesis, from the Greek for “pain-in-the-ass”, is that worthy opponent who makes life hell for the hero(ine) and, in the downer ending that rarely cuts it in Hollywood these days, inflicts retribution or vengeance upon them. As Professor Tarzan might say, me Protagones, you Antagones, now let the drama begin.

In the fall of 1975 I was in a Master’s program at the University of New Brunswick. Thanks to respectable undergraduate marks and a handful of short stories and poems published in UNB’s literary quarterly The Fiddlehead, I’d been granted permission to write a creative thesis in lieu of an academic one.

Unfortunately this did not exempt me from taking two academic courses of incredible dryness. The only course of interest was one on Yeats, whose fascination for the occult resonated with me. But to fill out my program I was stuck taking a course on 19th Century Canadian poets, an academic field of such barren prospect (or so it seemed to my 26-year-old mind) that I feared to die of boredom.

Meanwhile, in lieu of writing a novella or a dozen short stories for my creative thesis, I was zealously pounding away at a porn novel, which a writer friend of mine had assured me was the easiest way to break into the New York publishing world. In a more-or-less continuous state of tumescence, I had little patience for Bliss Carman’s “I think that I shall never see / a poem lovely as a tree”, when what my daily page-count required was more of “He lifted her skirt and felt her plush buttocks yield to his probing fingers…” But I digress.

As a grad student I had an assistantship and a monthly stipend from the English Department to perform menial labor for an assigned professor. It was academic feudalism but it helped pay the bills and, until my porn novel breached the gates of the Big Apple smut kingdom, I was resigned to my fate. I was assigned to the Professor of Creative Writing who was responsible, along with teaching the usual academic load, for managing UNB’s Visiting Writers program. My role in the big scheme of things was to help him however he deemed suitable.

Thus far in the fall semester, I’d been obliged only to plaster the campus and a few select downtown locations with posters advertising the October visit of poet Al Purdy. Plus ensure there were two bottles of Scotch waiting in Purdy’s hotel room when he arrived. Purdy had been in great form the night of his reading, bellowing his poetry in a robust voice to a crowd of aficionados. After the reading a bunch of us trailed the literary force majeure back to the bar of the Beaverbrook Hotel, like a school of remora all wanting a ride on the shark. There Purdy commandeered a corner table and, flanked by a couple of blondes too old to be students, too provocatively dressed to be professors, and too many to be his wife, proceeded to drink everyone under the table.

In November the Professor placed all his trust in my faint abilities to be the “handler” for Margaret Atwood’s visit to UNB. A daunting and prestigious assignment! Aside from the poster campaign there were only a couple of other duties – arrange for a PA system the night of her reading, and pick Ms. Atwood up at the Fredericton airport. Unlike Purdy’s voice, conceivably strengthened in noisy bars drawing the attention of busy waiters, hers was apparently rather delicate, better suited for genteel salon discourse over tea and Peek Freans.

November passed quickly. Deeply immersed in my porn novel, I’d lost track of the date. Luckily, I remembered to get the posters up in time but neglected to deal with the PA system. The day before her reading I checked with the campus office that handled such things and was told that their only portable PA system had already been loaned out to another function. I called a downtown music store and learned I could rent a PA system for $50. I laid out the alternatives for the Professor’s executive approval – spend $50 on the PA rental, or at no cost, I could set up a microphone with my guitar amplifier. The Professor stroked his goatee, trying to dislodge some fleas he’d harbored there since the Cuban missile crisis, and said it was my call.

I tested my amplifier that night. It was a Fender Bassman tube amp that required a 10-minute warm-up before each performance. Its 100 watts were capable of driving two 15-inch speakers in a cabinet the size of a steamer trunk. I plugged in my bass guitar and gave it a fierce workout until the next-door neighbors started pounding on the walls. Philistines, they had little appreciation for the hypnotic bass riff of Iron Butterfly’s Inna Gadda Davida played over and over and over again. I plugged in my microphone, which I’d bought at Sears a few years ago for $19.95, and tested it. Aside from an annoying tendency to squeal like a butchered pig when I stood directly in front of the amp, it was good to go.

Friday morning it started snowing. I was driving a 1965 Volkswagen Bug at the time and like most students I had little money for automotive maintenance. The battery was in a fragile state and most nights I brought it to bed with me to keep it warm. The heating channels that ran from the rear engine to the front vents were rusted out, and on most winter days I had only a small space of clear window in the lower left corner of the windshield to see through. For a broader vista of the road ahead, I kept a scraper handy to clear the hoar-frost from the windshield.

But these were minor inconveniences compared to my clutch, which no longer worked. To start the car I needed to coast downhill or get a push. Once going I was able, with a skill equal to a Formula One race car driver, to shift gears, crunching and grinding as I expertly matched the engine revolutions to the transmission. Since the UNB campus was built atop a hill and I myself lived in a house whose driveway sloped to the street, gravity was on my side in most cases.

Just as nature abhors a vacuum, my VW feared the straight and level, and recently I’d declined to become involved with an attractive grad student of apparently relaxed morals simply on the grounds that she lived in an apartment complex situated in a gulag of flatness. However much I appreciated field work for my porn novel, I didn’t need the embarrassment my clutch-less car promised.

That afternoon I carried my battery out to the car, gave it a push down the driveway and headed off to the airport to fetch Margaret Atwood. En route I cleverly gauged the flow of traffic approaching intersections and managed to slow or speed up as the situation required, such that I never came to a dead stop and risked stalling my vehicle. At the airport I was relieved to see the parking lot built on a slight incline. Although snow was still falling, I figured that with a push I would become mobile again.

Inside the terminal I checked the flight schedule. Ms. Atwood’s plane had apparently just arrived. I wandered around the arrivals lounge, her face still fresh in my mind after all the posters I’d put up. But all along, I’d imagined I was looking for someone of considerable stature, as befitted the Queen of CanLit. Probably five foot nine or ten, I figured, she was that BIG. I kept looking, but nowhere did I see her. Finally, there was no one left in the arrivals lounge but me and this petite woman with curly hair, who finally came up to me and said, are you from UNB?

Ohmygod! The light went on with such a blinding flash that I must have stood there stunned for several seconds, immobilized like a moose on a dark highway when two drag-racing tractor trailers come tearing around Dead Moose Curve, bearing down on him…

She must have snapped her fingers. I yanked my consciousness back to the arrivals lounge and saw her standing there with her paisley suitcase, looking very impatient like she had somewhere to go in a hurry. Probably forgot to use the facilities on the plane, couldn’t go to the washroom when she arrived because she was afraid she’d miss her ride, and was now just plain anxious to get to the hotel. I offered to carry her bag but she wouldn’t let me touch it.

We went out to the parking lot where I explained the situation. I would put the car in neutral and we’d both push until it got a bit of a running start down the inclined parking lot. Then I’d jump in, hit the ignition and, God willing, the clutch-bone connected to the tranny-bone connected to the wheel-bone would turn at just the right speed to allow the engine to start with the stick-bone in first gear. She stared at me like I was kidding. She soon found out that wasn’t going to get her anywhere.

I had to give her credit, she was game. A lesser woman would have said, to hell with this backwoods horseshit, I’m taking a taxi into town and sticking UNB with the fare. But no, she was cool. She put her suitcase in the back seat of the car and pulled on her gloves like she really meant to get a grip on things. Now that’s a poet. You could tell just by the color of her gloves, red like boxing gloves, that she was a fighter and Governor General’s Award material to boot.

We got the Bug rolling in short order, and I was thinking we probably looked like the Wright Brothers trying to get the Kitty Hawk airborne. But when I jumped into the car, Ms. Atwood didn’t have the horsepower to continue its momentum. Before we ran out of incline, I hit the brakes and we changed sides. I’d push from the rear and she’d push at the driver’s side with one hand holding the door open and the other hand on the steering wheel. Off we went. When we were up to speed, I yelled at her to jump inside but she yelled back it was going too fast and she was scared, and I yelled back at her that she’d better, or we were walking to Fredericton, and she’d be late for her poetry reading.

At that, she jumped in, hit the ignition, and the engine caught. I ran to catch up with her. We couldn’t stop the car for fear of stalling the engine so I had to yank open the driver’s door and stand on the running board while she climbed over the gearshift into the passenger seat. As I slide behind the wheel I grabbed the gearshift to shove it into second gear. She gave a little yelp and I realized that I’d grabbed her knee because her dress was still caught on the gearshift and I couldn’t see, honest, what I was putting my hands on. She struggled to get her leg over and I heard a rip and then the gear dropped into fourth and we almost stalled before I could get my hand on the gearshift for real and pull it back into second where it belonged.

We didn’t talk much until we were downtown, coasting into the driveway of the Beaverbrook Hotel. Because I couldn’t really stop, not on a little incline like that, we had to circle through once and she opened the door and tossed out her carpetbag suitcase like a UNICEF plane doing a supply drop for some culturally-starved hamlet deep in the interior of Sticksville. Then we went around once more and she opened the door and perched on the passenger running board, her beret cocked over one eye like some French Resistance fighter parachuting behind enemy lines.

I asked her if she wanted me to come back and pick her up at seven to go to the Professor’s for dinner. She said no, rather tersely, and jumped. What a trooper. I slowed as much as I could but she hit the ground on her wrong foot, I think, and staggered several yards before she ran into a parked Lincoln Continental. I heard a curse, although I don’t know whether it was from her or the guy whose ride she’d plowed into.

I went back to my place and, by making a sharp U-turn on my snow-slick street, spun around in the road and shifted gears from first to reverse as I slid backwards up my inclined driveway. I cut the engine and went in to my bed-sit apartment where I had a joint and a beer to calm my nerves after that exciting encounter with the Queen of CanLit. I got my bass guitar out from under the bed and checked my amp. Sixteen bars of Inna Gadda Davidda later, I figured everything was fine. I plugged in my Sears microphone. Testing, testing, testing…

At seven o’clock I packed my gear into the Bug, got a running start down the driveway and cruised over to the Professor’s house. He lived on the side of the hill so, even though I had to park a block away, I was set for the next leg of the evening. I arrived at the Professor’s place to find him and the missus in a testy mood. His wife was a handsome woman with thick eyebrows and ample breasts and whenever I saw her I thought of James Joyce’s character Nora in Ulysses, an earth mother with a vibrant passion for life. She gave me a wet kiss when I arrived and asked me what I wanted to drink. Knowing I was now in genteel company, I accepted a glass of wine.

Ms. Atwood arrived ten minutes later. The Professor and his wife gushed over her, taking her coat and asking about her flight, and whether she found the Beaverbrook Hotel to her liking. Ms. Atwood wasn’t very forthcoming in the travelogue department, providing only monosyllabic responses, which I thought was kind of pathetic for a woman with her alleged command of the language. Maybe she was just saving her bon mots for her reading later tonight. As she entered the living room with a slight limp, she glanced my way and I thought I caught a glimpse of something malign there, as if she suspected I might have been regaling the Professor and his wife with tales of airport follies.

Ms. Atwood and I sat in the living room while the Professor and his wife alternated playing host/hostess while the other scurried off to the kitchen where some culinary crisis seemed to be brewing. The Professor had a senile golden retriever named Shaggy that, however much she seemed to discourage it, took quite a liking to Ms. Atwood. I had to admit, there was a poetic ring to it – Shaggy and Maggie.

In any event, Shaggy was well-named because every time you touched him, a huge mitt-full of his hair came away in your hand. In moments Ms. Atwood’s other ankle-length dress, a tartan thing of dark colors, was covered with mustard-colored hair. In short order she was sniffling and sneezing and trying to push Shaggy away. He misinterpreted this as rough-house play and came bounding back each time to paw her all over. The Professor eventually saw that Ms. Atwood, clearly more of a cat person, had had enough of this fun and banished Shaggy to the basement where we listened to him growl and howl for the rest of the evening.

Eventually whatever had been on fire in the kitchen was put out and we convened to the dinner table where Nora brought out a blackened dish of casserole with apologies that the Professor had read the recipe wrong to her and she’d cooked it at 450 instead of 350. He scowled and denied it, but to make up for whoever had allowed such a thing to happen, opened a bottle of the “good wine” for dinner. Nora dished out generous helpings of blackened casserole, what might have sounded appetizing on a Cajun menu, with side orders of over-cooked broccoli and under-cooked carrots. Finding no topic worthy of conversation, we all drank a toast to the brave men and women of Canadian letters, and wielded our utensils to attack dinner.

After a brief foray between the layers of her lasagna, Ms. Atwood muttered that her lasagna contained meat. The Professor laughed heartily at that, saying of course there’s meat, that’s how we make lasagna, what were you expecting – tofu? And there was this dead silence, relatively speaking, except for the low moan of a desolate dog down in the dungeon, and Ms. Atwood said, but I’m a vegetarian.

Well, you could have heard a participle drop. But secretly I was thrilled. After the logistical nightmare of transporting Ms. Atwood from airport to hotel in my clutch-less car, my ears had been burning all evening just thinking of the polysyllabic cuss words she must have invoked as she mended her torn dress, applied liniment to a strained muscle, or examined the bruise on her hip where she’d collided with a Lincoln. I was relieved to see that a little of the shit going through the fan would be spread liberally around. Nobody could accuse me of having dumped a burned meat offering on her plate.

We all looked at each other. The Professor was aghast. No one had told him. He’d read every word of Northrop Frye, he assured us, and not once had that esteemed critic of Canadian literature mentioned that Margaret Atwood was a vegetarian. She fixed him with a squinty eye and said in a frosty tone whose spirit flatly contradicted the words she chose, it’s all right, I’ll just eat around it.

For a moment there, I struggled to recall a joke that might lighten the atmosphere. But a glance at Ms. Atwood, seeing a bright spot on her cheekbone, cautioned me that this was a situation where belly laughs would not be readily forthcoming. So I bit my tongue, diplomat that I am, and chewed silently on my blackened lasagna leather.

Again I had to tip my hat to Ms. Atwood. She could have stood up, knocked over the table and stormed off into the wintry night to flag a taxi whose driver might have guided her to a Chinese restaurant with a nice bean curd soup and vegetarian spring roll to tide her over. But no, she hung tough. Using her utensils as deftly as a surgeon, she quickly dissected the lasagna, pushing the meat off to one side, the pasta off to another, and grimly ate her meal, her face reflecting the same gusto with which Russian soldiers during the Stalingrad siege controlled their gag reflex to swallow a rat drumstick and a side order of rotten potato.

The rest of us pretended not to notice how picky she was, when I know we were really all thinking, what the hell’s the matter with a bit of Grade A ground beef? The Professor opened another bottle of the “good wine” and deftly steered the conversation boat toward the shores of Canadian Literature, prattling on about how The Fiddlehead was publishing reams of good stuff this year, some of it contributed by very promising young writers, like Alan sitting right here at the table. Ms. Atwood turned her head a couple of degrees in my direction, and one of her eyes regarded me warily, reminding me of the way horses watch you nervously when you sneak up on them with the gelding shears.

Showing the first glimmer of sympathy I’d seen all evening, Ms. Atwood sought to relieve the Professor of his lasagna faux pas by asking him kindly, how fared dear old Fred Cogswell. This was another English Faculty professor of great geniality who had for many years offered a heavy load of “bird” courses in which every student, no matter how densely illiterate, stood assured of getting at least a B-grade, while he simultaneously shepherded to print the quarterly edition of UNB’s literary magazine, The Fiddlehead, whose literary output was second only to what was coming out of Kingston via The Queen’s Quarterly.

Well, given a nudge in the right direction, the Professor was off and running like a horse with the bit between his teeth. We got treated to a complete rundown on every other academic in the English Department. An ex-patriate American, the Professor had once mentioned in class that, instead of going to Korea, he’d served stateside in Military Intelligence, implying that he was pretty hot stuff, and that he’d been in a serious quandary at one point as to whether he should take a job with the CIA and become an assassin of Commie agents or continue his graduate studies to become a professor. Lucky for those Commies he’d made the wrong choice.

You could tell, however doubtful his story was, that there was indeed something of the spy in him, the way he’d built a dossier on the whole English Faculty, just in case Canada, as left-wing as it was, turned Commie too and he’d have to squeal on his associates in order to protect his own tenure.

Dessert was offered but Ms. Atwood, as anxious as any sane visitor to escape from a nut-house back into normal society, said maybe it was best to forego that pleasure and head off to the university for her reading. The Professor would drive her, she made that clear, so I headed off on my own. The Bug was parked on a steep street so it was a breeze to get started and drive over to UNB, whose campus itself was built on the summit of a considerable hill. I parked at the highest point I could find in the lot of the Memorial Hall Building, and made two trips to carry into the lecture hall my Fender Bassman amp with its huge speaker cabinet and the 100-watt amplifier head along with my Sears microphone and assorted cables.

The lecture hall, which the Drama Club used for its monthly productions, had a good-sized stage and mezzanine section, behind which a spectator gallery with built-in wooden seats rose at a steep incline. I imagined this was something like the design of old-style English theatres, where the gentry looked down over the heads of the riff-raff. Little did I know that a Shakespearean drama of minute proportions was about to unfold this evening, and that I would play such a villainous, albeit petty, role.

As the spectator gallery filled up, I went about my business as poet roadie. I plugged in my amp and cabled it up to the speaker cabinet. I ran the microphone cable up onto the stage where a wooden lectern faced the gallery. In those days, living on the shoestring of a graduate student’s assistantship, I’d never known the luxury of a microphone stand. During jam sessions in my apartment with my brother or some other amateur, I’d made do with a broomstick handle taped to a chair, and the microphone taped to the broomstick. Tonight in my haste I had forgotten to bring my broomstick.

But as Frank Zappa used to say, necessity is the motherfucker of invention, and I wasn’t going to let a little thing like this spoil Ms. Atwood’s big night in Fredericton. I hustled out to the cloak room where I found a wire coat hanger. I bent it into an appropriate shape and anchored one end of it around the lectern’s reading light and, with a generous quantity of electrical tape, secured the Sears microphone to the other end of the coat hanger. I switched on the amp and gave it a few minutes to warm up.

Although the Bassman was a classic piece of rock ’n’ roll equipment, practically a collector’s item, it was a tube amplifier. There were about half a dozen of those tubes, each one looking like a little miniature city under a dome of glass, the lights slowly coming on in the little cathode skyscrapers. Compared to today’s modern electronics, this was almost Soviet-era technology, but if it was good enough for Jimi Hendrix, I figured, it was good enough for Margaret Atwood.

In a few minutes, the Bassman was humming happily, a steady low-decibel drone like a distant airplane that could be heard throughout the lecture hall. I thought this might be a little distracting so I tried reversing the polarity on the power plug, but that only sent it into overdrive, like the sound of a kamikaze plane beginning its dive into some hapless troop ship. I quickly returned the plug to its earlier position.

By now the lecture hall was filled to capacity. Ms. Atwood was chatting with a few of the English Faculty and at one point I actually heard her laugh, and I could see that everyone was squirming with excitement and that the evening was shaping up to be one of those great cultural events everyone would fondly remember years after. A few minutes later the Professor started shushing people and urging them to take their seats. He and Ms. Atwood mounted the stage where he fumbled his way through her introduction, getting the name of one of her novels wrong, calling it The Inedible Woman, probably still thinking of the food she’d left on her plate. Finally, he finished and left the stage to her.

There was a hushed silence in which the audience was clearly perplexed to hear the drone of a distant airplane. I crept from my seat in the front row and thumped the Bassman with the heel of my hand. A low rumble echoed from the back of the hall. Now it sounded like an airplane flying through a thunderstorm. I passed my hand over the amplifier and discovered that if I kept it within a few inches of the biggest tube, the sound of the distant airplane diminished from that of a four-engine cargo plane to that of a single-engine Cessna. I crouched there, my hand in place like a Reiki master administering healing vibes to a sick client, and nodded to Ms. Atwood that it was safe to proceed.

She began to read her poetry. She had a small breathless voice like an asthmatic child and it was clearly evident why amplification was mandatory for her. Things went well for another poem or two and then it all went to hell in a handcart. She was in the middle of a poem when the Bassman suddenly cut loose with a terrible yowl, like a cat “getting fixed” without benefit of anesthesia. She stopped in mid-sentence and glanced in my direction, and the look in her eyes was like a hail of bullets in a drive-by shooting. I be wastin’ yo ass, muthahfuckah, if’n I hear dat again.

I withdrew to the side of the amplifier. On other occasions before this, I’d noticed that if you approached it too closely from the front, the amplifier would start to squeal with feedback. Jimi liked that sort of thing, but Maggie didn’t. I stroked the Bassman with my Reiki technique but it wouldn’t behave.

Up on stage, thinking maybe it was her end of things that had gone awry, Ms. Atwood tried to adjust the microphone at the end of the coat hanger. The electrical tape peeled off and the microphone fell with an amplified “thunk” to the lectern. I heard titters and sighs from the peanut gallery as I vaulted up onto the stage and went to her rescue. I wrapped the microphone back into place with some extra tape and hissed at her to stick to the poetry and leave the sound system to me, at which point I realized my harsh words were being amplified for all to hear. More titters and sympathetic groans of outrage from the gallery. I slunk back to my post beside the Bassman.

To reduce an epic story to a haiku, hell hath no fury like a feedback-prone amplifier. Maybe all those old Marconi tubes, even as they teetered on the verge of electronic Alzheimer’s, still harbored some kind of primordial intelligence like the computer Hal in the movie 2001. And in the heart of its circuits the Bassman probably suspected it’d been pressed into service, not to hasten the revolution via rock ’n’ roll, but to propagate mere poetry without the force of power chords and killer riffs.

No matter how I cajoled him, Bassman wouldn’t behave. He growled and howled, drowning out every word Ms. Atwood tried to share with her audience. I twirled his dials and flicked his switches, punched and kicked him, and rocked him back and forth. Bassman would not be controlled, so in the end he had to be silenced. I pulled the plug.

Ms. Atwood looked at me, as if to say, are we done now? I shrugged helplessly, feeling like the village idiot in a room full of professors, students and Faculty wives. In a less evolved society they probably would have brought out the tar and feathers for a brief intermission, but I was fortunate to have been born in genteel times, and was allowed to slink back to my seat without anyone throwing more than dirty looks my way.

The rest of the poetry reading was rather uncomfortable, like watching a blind person walk barefoot through a room littered with broken glass. Ms. Atwood, still the trooper in a situation that only electro-shock or several years of scream therapy would likely erase from her memory, soldiered on. She read her poetry just like they must have done in the old days, her naked voice against the crowd, while back in the upper reaches of the peanut gallery, people asked her to speak up, please, they couldn’t hear her. And she would say, I’m sorry but I’m speaking as loudly as I can, and then she would cough to clear her throat and in a thin reed-like voice, she would continue to read her poetry.

There was a lot of applause when it was over. Mostly relief, I felt, but there was admiration too, the kind we reserve for marathon runners who come straggling in at the end of the race, wobbling and half-blind with fatigue, garnering applause not because they have beat anyone’s time but because they have, against all apparent odds, finished the job they set out to do.

As the crowd evacuated the lecture hall, I dismantled my equipment and humped it out through a side door to the car, studiously avoiding the eyes of anyone who crossed my path. There was a wine and cheese reception in the salon down the hall in Ms. Atwood’s honor, and although I had played a significant part in making this a memorable evening, I humbly felt that it was not the place for me to make an appearance and draw any undue attention. I walked out to the Bug, released the hand brake and coasted out of the parking lot. Once I was safely out of earshot I switched on the ignition and descended into the wintry night, swallowed up in the bowels of my quiet provincial town.

For awhile on campus I was quite notorious for the role I’d played that night at the aptly-named Memorial Hall. Several of my crueler fellow graduate students, doubtlessly honing the skills with which they would later denigrate their associates in competing for tenure, took to calling me The Bassman. And each time this elicited raised eyebrows among fresh company, someone would tell the story of how I’d ruined Margaret Atwood’s poetry reading.

The irony was that they barely knew a fraction of the story, but I was in no mood to provide more hoist for my own petard. Eventually I tired of this teasing and, like a lion tormented by dogs, in one pivotal week around the time of the Winter Solstice, announced my withdrawal from graduate school and burned the manuscript of my porn novel in a desolate section of the New Brunswick backwoods.

Since then, I’ve had many occasions to reflect upon my freshman-like approach to graduate-level responsibilities those many years ago. Still, it’s spilled milk under the bridge, and no amount of groveling would suffice to earn Ms. Atwood’s forgiveness. To broach the subject with her now, even via an abject letter of apology, might precipitate a flashback, the magnitude of which could plunge her into who knows what state of psychological imbalance. Worse still, she might write vilifying letters to the Canada Council and every publisher she knows, nipping in the bud any hopes I might have had to forge my own literary career. No, if I’ve learned one thing after all these years, it’s best to fly under the radar.

~~~~~~~

Alan Annand is a Canadian astrologer and writer. You can find his mystery novels and books on astrology at Amazon, Apple, Barnes&Noble, Kobo and Smashwords.

dirty-dozen

Neil Gaiman (b. November 10): “You get ideas from being bored” & other quotes on writing

10 Nov
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Neil Gaiman, born 10 November 1960, is an English author who writes short stories, novels, comic books, graphic novels and films. His novels include Stardust, American Gods, Coraline, and The Graveyard Book.

Quotes on writing

  1. Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.
  2. Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
  3. You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we’re doing it.
  4. Fiction allows us to slide into these other heads, these other places, and look out through other eyes. And then in the tale we stop before we die, or we die vicariously and unharmed, and in the world beyond the tale we turn the page or close the book, and we resume our lives.
  5. Stories you read when you’re the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you’ll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit.

Yiyun Li (b. November 4): “One should be able to imagine being somebody else”

4 Nov
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Yiyun Li, born 4 November 1972, is a Chinese American writer whose works include the short story collections A Thousand Years of Good Prayers, Gold Boy, Emerald Girl, and the novel The Vagrants

Quotes on writing:

  1. I think I’m just writing about human nature and it just so happens that my characters are Chinese.
  2. To write about a struggle amidst the struggling: one must hope that the muddling will end someday.
  3. What a long way it is from one life to another: yet why write if not for that distance; if things can be let go, every before replaced by an after.
  4. Oftentimes if a story didn’t work, I would rescue one character or two characters—or one paragraph—from the story and start all over. Which actually was very efficient for me, I think. You can spend so much time revising.
  5. When I first started writing, I thought a lot about the shape of the stories—do you have a triangle or a rectangle, or do you have a mirror image? Is one character a mirror image of the other? What variation did you do with the characters to make that interesting? 
  6. I wish people would ask me about the importance of the imagination. I really believe that one should be able to imagine being somebody else. This is important for writers, but it’s also important for readers, and for all human beings to be able to imagine being somebody else.