Something Wanton This Way Comes

20 Oct

Ever since the runaway success of Fifty Shades of Grey, reading glasses the world over have been fogging up with heavy breathing. Publishers, having taken the pulse of this phenomenon and found it throbbing, are now trolling through their backlists, looking for something salacious to satisfy the public’s new appetite for literary erotica.

Lacking fresh product to satisfy growing demand, book marketers are now desperate to put new lipstick on old tarts. A major search portal and a men’s magazine are rumored to have joined forces, and are buying up the rights to hundreds of literary classics. After tweaking the titles, a small army of hacks will then refurbish the story lines with just enough romance and raunchy sex to make readers come back for more.

Expect to see some of these titillating titles appearing as stocking-stuffers for mommies everywhere this Xmas:

  1. A Massage in India ~ E.M. Forster
  2. A Whore’s House ~ Heinrik Ibsen
  3. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderlust ~ Lewis Carroll
  4. All the King’s Women ~ Robert Penn Warren
  5. As I Lay Coming ~ William Faulkner
  6. Briefing for a Descent into Her ~ Doris Lessing
  7. Chiquita ~ Vladimir Nabokov
  8. Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
  9. Fagtime ~ E.L. Doctorow
  10. Girl Farm ~ George Orwell
  11. Hot Little Women ~ Louisa May Alcott
  12. I, Priapus ~ Robert Graves
  13. In Search of Lust Time ~ Marcel Proust
  14. King Leer ~ William Shakespeare
  15. Lady Oral ~ Margaret Atwood
  16. Midnight’s Chicken ~ Salman Rushdie
  17. Native Bastard ~ Richard Wright
  18. Necromancer ~ William Gibson
  19. Never Let Me Come ~ Kazuo Ishiguro
  20. Obsession ~ A.S. Byatt
  21. On the Broad ~ Jack Kerouac
  22. Play Her As She Lays ~ Joan Didion
  23. Sluthouse Five ~ Kurt Vonnegut
  24. Something Wanton This Way Comes ~ Ray Bradbury
  25. Son and Lover ~ D.H. Lawrence
  26. The Executioner’s Thong ~ Norman Mailer
  27. The French Lieutenant’s Boy ~ John Fowles
  28. The Lord Of The Cock Rings ~ J. R. R. Tolkien
  29. The Penis is A Lonely Hunter ~ Carson McCullers
  30. The Portrait of a Ladyboy ~ Henry James
  31. The Pot-Weed Factor ~ John Barth
  32. The Sex Adventures of Augie March ~ Saul Bellow
  33. The Sex Tourist’s Guide to the Galaxy ~ Douglas Adams
  34. The Way of All Flesh ~ Samuel Butler
  35. The Way We Love Now ~ Anthony Trollope
  36. Uranus is a Harsh Mistress ~ Robert Heinlein

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